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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27632702">HER.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/annaiva_v/pseuds/annaiva_v'>annaiva_v</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Albus Dumbledore Bashing, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Sexual Situations, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Blow Jobs, Canon Divergence - Post-Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Character Death, Childhood Trauma, Declarations Of Love, Denial of Feelings, Depressed Remus Lupin, Dolores Umbridge Being an Asshole, Eating Disorders, F/M, Gay Sirius Black, Getting Back Together, Graphic Depictions of Illness, M/M, Manipulative Albus Dumbledore, Mildly Dubious Consent, Mind Manipulation, Minor Character Death, Original Character(s), Past Abuse, Post-Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Remus Lupin Lives, Remus Lupin Loves Sirius Black, Sad Remus Lupin, Sirius Black Lives, Sirius Black Loves Remus Lupin, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Temporary Character Death, Unethical Experimentation, Unethical Medicine, Unhealthy Relationships, Vaginal Sex</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:55:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>80,426</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27632702</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/annaiva_v/pseuds/annaiva_v</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black wasn't and idiot, he knew that after coming back form Azkaban things wouldn't be the same between him and Remus. But he never foresaw the wedge that would tear them apart, he never foresaw HER.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Sirius Black/Original Male Character(s), Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>63</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>133</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The fear</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>All of the song lyrics are from Ben Howards album Every Kingdom.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Who am I, darling for you?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Who am I?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Going to be a burden</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Who am I, darling to you?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Who am I?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>After Azkaban, after the shack, things with Remus were rocky. Some days they were amazing, other days they could hardly stand to look at each other. Sirius suspected that the mistrust and twelve years of absence had a lot to do with it, some nights he thought that he was too different from the man Remus loved. When he looked in the mirror he didn’t see himself, he saw a prisoner, a shell of the boy he used to be. He sees himself as unlovable because so much of him has withered away, so much of who he was is now gone.</p><p>“Sirius?” He looks up to Remus, who’s just walked into his room.</p><p>“What’re you doing?” Sirius looks down to the piece of paper covered in ink splotches and messy writing.</p><p>“Nothing.” He folds it and turns to Remus, who’s got a concerned look on his face.</p><p>“Dinner’s ready, and Harry’s coming tonight.” He perks up at the mention of his godson, but the thought of sitting around all those people and eating makes his stomach turn.</p><p>“It’ll be good for you to socialize.” <em>It’ll be good for you</em>, the notion makes him want to laugh. Who is Remus to talk to him like he’s some introverted child? But he guesses that’s how everyone sees him, in everyone’s eyes he’s still twenty-one.</p><p>“Do it for me, please.” He’d do anything for Remus, so he sighs and gets up. If he revels in the small smile that Remus gives him, that’s for him to know. His mood instantly sours when he sees Severus Snape sitting at his dining table. Dumbledore has complete trust in him, but Sirius isn’t sure. The last time he saw him, he had no problems torturing and killing on Voldemort’s orders.</p><p>“Nice of you to join us, Black.” Sirius wants to flinch back at the harsh tone of Snape’s voice, but his mother didn’t raise him to be a doormat. <em>Keep your head up, keep your heart strong</em>. </p><p>“Snape.” He nods in his direction and sits as far away as possible, Remus takes the seat next to him.</p><p>“That was very civil.” No matter how small the praise, Sirius feels his cheeks tinge red. Remus notices this and pats him on the knee, Sirius swears he can still feel the heat of his palm even after it’s left. Molly sets plate after plate of hearty food on the table in front of him, he has to look away. <em>You look disgusting, the heir of the most ancient and noble house of Black has an image to uphold. No son of mine will be </em>fat. He shudders at the memory of his mother’s words and pushes the food around his plate, Remus gives him a look but says nothing. Remus glances up and a second later a group walks into the kitchen, Harry right at the front. Sirius abandons his plate and runs to give Harry a hug, the boy smells of rain and freedom. </p><p>“I’m so glad to see you, Sirius.” A sense of Responsibility floods Sirius and he finally feels useful, he’s here for Harry. </p><p>“How was the trip?” He asks.</p><p>“Brilliant, though Moody almost froze us half to death.” Sirius laughs a real laugh and leads Harry to the table. He goes to sit by Remus, but Nymphadora comes out of nowhere and takes his spot. His cousin has been a constant fixture at his house, at Remus’s side.</p><p>“How’s your day been, Rem?” Sirius grits his teeth at the nickname She’s using, that’s <em>his</em> nickname. Sirius tunes out their conversation and brings his full attention the Harry.</p><p>“what’s going on with Voldemort?” Everyone goes quiet and Sirius finds that all eyes are on him, he hates it. When he was younger he wanted everyone to be looking at him, but now those eyes felt prying and judgmental.</p><p>“Well,” Molly cuts him off.</p><p>“No. He’s too young to know all this war stuff.” Others seem to agree with her, but Sirius can’t help but argue.</p><p>“He’s in the middle of the war! He has to know what’s going on.” He and his friends didn’t know enough, and look where they ended up.</p><p>“He’s just a boy! He’s not James, Sirius.” Sirius bristles and colour fills his cheeks.</p><p>“I’m perfectly clear about who he is, thanks, Molly.” He wants to lunge across the table and throttle some sense into her.</p><p>“I’m not sure you are!” Sirius rolls his eyes as Molly continues,</p><p>“Sometimes, the way you talk about him, it's as though you think you've got your best friend back.” Sirius is seething, and he’s clenching his hands trying to think rationally about the situation.</p><p>“What’s wrong with that?” Harry asks, genuine curiosity displayed on his face.</p><p>“What's wrong, Harry, is that you are not your father, however much you might look like him!” said Mrs. Weasley, her eyes still boring into Sirius. </p><p>“You are still at school and adults responsible for you should not forget it!” Who the hell does this woman think she is?</p><p>“Meaning I’m an irresponsible Godfather?” Sirius quirks an eyebrow.</p><p>“Meaning you’ve been known to act rashly, Sirius, need I remind you of what happened between Remus and you.” Sirius clenches his fork in his hand and debates pushing it into Molly’s thick stomach.</p><p>“What happened?” Sirius ignores Hermione’s question.</p><p>“Don’t you <em>dare</em> bring that up, it has nothing to do with this.” Sirius looks to Remus for help, but he’s staring right at Molly.</p><p>“Personally,” He begins quietly, as Mrs. Weasley turned quickly to him, hopeful that finally, she was about to get an ally, </p><p>“I think it better that Harry gets the facts, not all the facts, Molly, but the general picture, from us, rather than a garbled version from... others,” Sirius notes that he doesn’t even mention the incident.</p><p>“Well,” Molly says, breathing deeply and looking around the table for support that did not come, </p><p>“well...I can see I'm going to be overruled. I'll just say this: Dumbledore must have had his reasons for not wanting Harry to know too much, and speaking as someone who has got Harry's best interests at heart,”</p><p>“He’s not your son,” Sirius says quietly, looking down at his plate.</p><p>“He’s as good as,” She says, a hard look in her eyes.</p><p>“Who else has he got?” Sirius breathes in deeply.</p><p>“He’s got me.” Molly looks at him.</p><p>“Yes,” Mrs. Weasley says, her lip curling. </p><p>“The thing is, it's been rather difficult for you to look after him while you've been locked up in Azkaban, hasn't it?” Sirius slams his fit on the table and rises from his chair, staring her down.</p><p>“Molly, you're not the only person at this table who cares about Harry,” Remus doesn’t take his eyes from Sirius. </p><p>“Sirius, sit <em>down</em>.” Sirius finds himself obeying the command and sits, white-faced and breathing heavy. Severus snickers and Sirius rises again, almost throwing himself across the table, but Remus’ voice stops him.</p><p>“Out, <em>now</em>.” He looks at the coldness in his eyes, and wordlessly makes his way out of the kitchen. When he’s out of eyeshot he drives his fist into the wall and gives it a kick for good measure. </p><p> </p><p>Remus comes to find him after everyone has left, and tsks disapprovingly at his damaged hand.</p><p>“Harry’s going to be staying until school starts.” He says as he carefully takes Sirius’ hand into his own.</p><p>“Muggle or magic?” He needs to feel the pain to be grounded in his body.</p><p>“Muggle.” Remus sighs and retrieves the muggle first aid kit from under the bed. He takes great care in cleaning the small cuts and wrapping gauze soaked with Murtlap essence around his knuckles.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” He places a soft kiss on the knuckle and it makes his stomach flutter.</p><p>“It’s not your fault, tensions are high right now.” He knows Remus is just trying to be nice, he knows it is his fault for loosing his temper like that.</p><p>“Molly shouldn’t have said that, about you and I, and Azkaban.” A shudder passes through him and Remus looks at him with worry etched onto his features.</p><p>“I hate that I missed <em>so much</em>.” Embarrassingly he senses tears build up in his eyes, he wipes roughly at them.</p><p>“It’s <em>not</em> your fault.” Sirius averts his eyes and looks to the floor.</p><p>“Tomorrow’s a new day, yeah?” He breathes deeply and closes his eyes.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I been worryin' that my time is a little unclear</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I been worryin' that I'm losing the one's I hold dear</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I been worryin' that we all live our lives in the confines of fear</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Harry finds him the next day staring at the tapestry of his family, he hadn’t realized that the others had begun to clean this room. He watches as Kreacher shuffles in and mutters insults that everyone can hear.</p><p>“Filthy half-bloods and blood traitors alike, Oh my poor Mistress, if she knew, if she knew the scum they’ve let into her house.” Sirius looks at the hunched over house elf with pity.</p><p>“Can you clean somewhere else, Kreacher?” He’s been trying his hardest to be gentle with Kreacher, cause he thinks he wouldn’t like it very much if someone yelled at him for talking.</p><p>“Kreacher lives to serve the noble and most ancient house of Black.” He shuffles away with a few disdainful looks from the other occupants. Sirius watches as Harry studies this family tapestry.</p><p>“You’re not on here!” He says at last.</p><p>“I used to be,” He points to a small, round, charred spot on the wall, almost like a cigarette burn.</p><p>“My sweet old mother blasted me off when I ran away from home.” Looking back, it had probably been the best and worst year of his life.</p><p>“You ran away from home?” He looks at Harry’s curious face and smiles.</p><p>“When I was sixteen.” He takes a breath,</p><p>“I’d had enough.” He’s sure he’d had enough almost his whole life, but that was the breaking moment.</p><p>“Where did you go?” Harry asks, staring at him.</p><p>“Your dad’s.” He smiles for the first time in a while at the memory.</p><p>“Fleamont and Euphemia, your grandparents, essentials adopted me. They treated me like a second son. And when I was seventeen I got a place of my own, though I was always welcome at the Potter’s” He doesn’t mention that it was him and Remus who’d moved in together, because he wasn’t sure where he stood with the man. Did Remus want people to know they used to live together? Or did he just want them to believe they were school friends and nothing more?</p><p>“Why, uh, why did you,” Harry stammers.</p><p>“Leave?” He nods, Sirius smiles bitterly and runs his hands through his knotted hair, he hasn’t brushed it in weeks.</p><p>“Because I hated the whole lot of them: my parents with their pure-blood mania, convinced that being a Black made you practically royal. . . my idiot brother, soft enough to believe them.” He looks to Regulus’s portrait and runs his finger over his face.</p><p>“That’s him. He died fifteen some years ago.” He was only eighteen, a fucking child.</p><p>“Did the Aurors kill him?” He sometimes wished they did, then he would have had closer, he would have known what side he was on.</p><p>“No, I’ve heard that Voldemort killed him, or ordered someone to.” He shrugs, feeling sombre. </p><p>“Lunch!” Molly walks in levitating a huge tray of sandwiches, Harry glances at her but looks back to Sirius. Sirius studies the tapestry he thought he would never have to see again.</p><p>“Anytime the family produced someone halfway decent, they were disowned.” He points to more burn marks, littered around the canvas.</p><p>“There’s Andromeda, my favourite cousin. And I see Tonks isn’t on here.” Harry looks surprised.</p><p>“You’re related to Tonks?” Sirius nods.</p><p>“Yeah, Andromeda’s her mother. She married a muggle-born.” Sirius fights the urge to roll his eyes, he never liked talking about his family. He sees that Harry’s eyeshade strayed to Bellatrix’s picture.</p><p>“You never said she was,” </p><p>“Does it matter if she’s my cousin?” He snaps, and Molly looks over at him. He pinches the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes, taking a deep breath</p><p>“Sorry.” Sirius turns to Harry and shoves his hands into the pocket of his hoodie.</p><p>“No, don’t apologize.” Harry eyes him warily but smiles at him nonetheless.</p><p>“I hate being back here. But it’s ideal for headquarters, my father put every security measure known to wizardkind on it.” He knew it was the best place for a wanted criminal to hide out, but he couldn't help but feel absolutely trapped. It wasn’t fair that at the end of the day everyone got to go home and out in the world. But he was stuck in this dark and gloomy place.</p><p>“Hurry up you two, or there won’t be any food left!” Harry breaks off from him and starts to chat with Ron and Hermione. Instead of grabbing a sandwich Sirius leaves the room and goes to find Remus. Remus is in the sitting room spread out on a plush couch reading a muggle book.</p><p>“Hey, Rem.” He marks his page and smiles up at Sirius, he pats the seat next to him. Sirius, like an obedient dog, sits down next to him.</p><p>“Moon’s tomorrow,” He says, nonchalant like he hasn’t been keeping track of it all these years like he hasn’t missed twelve years' worth of them.</p><p>“There’s a nice forest in Scotland that Dumbledore’s told me about.” Sirius so badly wants to lay his head on Remus’ shoulder and takes his hands in his own, but he doesn’t.</p><p>“Do you want me there?” Sirius doesn’t know what he’ll do if Remus rejects him.</p><p>“Of course.” He looks down at Sirius and gestures with his head for Sirius to lay down. Sirius lays his head in Remus’ lap and his fingers instantly go to his hair, gently untangling the knots.</p><p>“You should start taking care of yourself.” He says, then he reopens his book, all the while his fingers brush through Sirius’ hair.</p><p> </p><p>Sirius, unable to disobey Remus, decides to take a bath. He takes care in filling the bath with essential oils and charming multicoloured bubbles. He refuses to look in the mirror once he’s fully stripped down, too scared of the haunted eyes and protruding bones. He steps into the hot water and hisses when it burns his skin. Once he’s seated he shuts his eyes tight and submerges himself in the water.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Cause I, I adore you so when it all comes clear</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The wind is settled, I'll be here, you know</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Cause you said ours were the lighthouse towers</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The sand upon that place darling I'll grow weary, happy still</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With just the memory of your face</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Gracious goes the ghost of you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I will never forget the plans and the</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Silhouettes you drew here and</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Gracious goes the ghost of you, my dear</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He resurfaces and wipes the water from his eyes. He reaches to the side and pumps a healthy amount of shampoo into his palm, and carefully lathers it through his hair. He lets out a quiet moan as his weathered fingers massage the product onto his scalp. When Remus and he had lived together Remus would wash his hair from him. His long nimble figures were able to release all the tension until Sirius was putty in his hands. But that was then and this is now, and he has to do it on his own. Now, he grabs the conditioner and watches the bubbles as it soaks into his strands. When he is done the mirror is fogged and he can only see the blurred shape of himself, and the blurred colours of himself. The coldness of the tiles sends a jolt through his body and he involuntarily cries out.</p><p><br/>The coldness chills his bones, but not as much as the fear. The freezing fear that penetrates every surface of his cell, which seeps deep into his soul. He feels as if all he ever knew was fear, and that was all he ever would know.</p><p> </p><p>Sirius finds himself curled up on the floor clutching his knees to his chest, breathing rapidly. He screws his eyes shut and tries to tell himself that he’s not back in that cell, that he’s not chained and gagged. </p><p>“Remus!” He feels like his voice isn’t his own, and he wasn’t the one that called for Remus’ aide. He’d been dealing with all his <em>memories</em> alone, he didn’t want to burden Remus with his fucked up head and broken body.</p><p>“Remus!” There are quick footsteps and the door opens, letting in a rush of cold air that makes him curl deeper into himself.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Unable to speak he just whimpers and buries his head into his crossed arms.</p><p>“It’s okay, I’m right here.” Something soft traps over his shoulders and suddenly Remus is kneeling right in front of him. He’s taking his head in his hands and forcing him to meet his eyes.</p><p>“Look at me, Sirius. You’re safe here, with me.” Remus brushes back the soaked hair from his eyes and looks at him fondly.</p><p>“I’m right here, I’m right here.” Remus pulls Sirius’ prone figure into his chest and rubs his hands up and down his back. After a few minutes, Sirius finally feels calm enough to speak again.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Remus shushes him and moves the towel to his hair, gently rubbing it dry.</p><p>“There’s no need to apologize, you’ve done nothing wrong.” He wipes away the tears from Sirius’ face and after a moment of stillness, he presses a kiss to his forehead.</p><p>“Let’s get you dry and dressed.” He helps Sirius up and towels him dry, trying to be as respectful as possible by avoiding his groin. Once he’s dry Remus brings him a worn hoodie and a pair of sweats, they smell like Remus. They completely dwarf him but the small smile Remus gives him is with the pain.</p><p>“It’s late, you should get some rest.” He pulls back to covers and crawls in, pausing before asking.</p><p>“Can you stay with me, please?” Remus considers for a moment and eventually relents, crawling beside him. It’s awkward for a few moments but then Remus turns to face him and wraps his arms around Sirius, bring him into the safety of his chest.</p><p>“Goodnight.”</p><p>“G’night.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Keep your head up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Oh there ain't no diamonds in the boredom</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh there ain't no darkness that I fear</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh there ain't no way to say I love you more</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So be clear, just to be clear</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So be clear, be clear</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Waking up the next morning wasn’t as awkward as he thought it would be. He was still wrapped in the warmth of Remus’ arms, and the gentle tickle of his breath against his cheek. Sirius let himself close his eyes for a few more moments and bask in the feeling. But he knows as soon as Remus is awake he’ll push Sirius away and disappear to his room. Before he gets too lost in his head thinking of the what-ifs, he sits up and gazes down at Remus. When they were younger Remus only looked fully at ease when he was asleep, but now worry lines crease his face and his brow is furrowed. Sirius wants to brush his finger over the lines to smooth them out, but he’s not allowed to do that now. He carefully pulls the sheets back and quietly gets out of bed, taking care to not disturb Remus. Sirius goes to the bathroom and studies the reflection looking back at him, he can hardly recognize it. In his youth, his face was full, not overly so, but there was life beneath the skin. Now, His skin is a dull grey and his cheeks are hollow. Eyes that were once so bright and alive, are now dull and grey. In his youth, he thought of himself as beautiful, and elegant, but his years in Azkaban have stripped him of that. Maybe that’s why Remus can hardly stand to look at him.</p><p>“Sirius?” He almost jumps out of his skin when Remus appears in the mirror behind him.</p><p>“Morning.” He mumbles, still not looking away from his reflection.</p><p>“Are you alright?” Sirius wants to laugh, he thinks it’s quite obvious that he is not alright.</p><p>“I don’t recognize him.” Sirius points to himself in the mirror, Remus only looks sad.</p><p>“Give it time, then you’ll you wish a stranger was looking back at you.” Remus pulls Sirius from the mirror and has him sit down on the bed.</p><p>“What do you want to wear today?” In his Hogwarts years, he would have hated this, but now, it’s comforting to have someone act as a mother should towards him.</p><p>“Can I wear your clothes?” He asks it quietly, almost hoping that Remus hadn’t heard him. It’s embarrassing to admit he loves the smell of Remus enveloping him, that he only feels calm around the scent.</p><p>“They’re going to be too big.” Sirius feels a tinge of disappointment when Remus leaves his room, but it’s replaced with a warm feeling when Remus returns clutching fabric to his chest.</p><p>“I don’t really wear these anymore, so you can keep them.” Remus lays them on the bed and picks three items from the pile, a brown cardigan, a worn pink Floyd t-shirt, and loose ripped jeans. Remus doesn’t even leave when Sirius begins to undress, just stares sadly at his protruding ribs.</p><p>“Please don’t stare.” Is what he says, but what he means is ‘Please never stop looking at me.’</p><p>“I never thought I’d hear <em>the</em> Sirius Black say that. I’m sorry.” He pulls the cardigan over his head and doesn’t bother to fix his mussed hair.</p><p>“There’s nothing to be sorry about.” Sirius doesn’t want to talk about this, he can’t take about this.</p><p>“Yes, there is, I did nothing for thirteen years. I fucking believed that you were the traitor, and I never once believed in you.” Sirius just shrugs.</p><p>“How could you not, I’m a Black. Evil runs through my veins.” Sirius tries to walk away but Remus grips his arm.</p><p>“Don’t say that about yourself. You’re so good, Sirius.” </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“What if I’m just like them, James? I mean, what if one day I do something really bad, and you can never forgive me for it?” James scoffs and flicks a jelly bean at him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“That’s never going to happen.” Sirius resists the urge to physically shake James.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“How are you so sure? How do you know I won’t hurt you?” The smile slips off his face, but there’s still a tender look in his eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Because you’re my brother, and you’re so good.” He leans over and pulls Sirius into his arms, cocooning him in a warm feeling.</em>
</p><p><em>“And I’ll always be by your side to remind you if one day you ever forget.”</em> </p><p> </p><p>“Shut up!” Remus flinches back and Sirius wants to hit himself.</p><p>“Shit, I didn’t mean to yell.” He harshly pulls on his hair as Remus looks down at his feet.</p><p>“You were lost in your head, for a second there. Who were you thinking of?” Sirius thinks Remus already knows the answer, but he gives it to him anyway.</p><p>“James, a few weeks before I ran away.” That was the month that everything piled up and then spilled over, in a messy and dangerous spill.</p><p>“I’m going down to make breakfast,” Remus says suddenly and gets up, leaving Sirius in a fog of memories.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I spent my time, watching</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The spaces that have grown between us</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I cut my mind on second best</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh the scars that come with the greenness</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I gave my eyes to the boredom</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Still, the seabed wouldn't let me in</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I try my best to embrace the darkness</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In which I swim</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Of course, to make his day even better, when he finally comes down for breakfast Nymphadora is saddled up to Remus. He hates the way she smiliest him and hates the way she pitches her voice just a little higher when she talks to him. If she really cared to get to know him, she would know that he likes deeper voices and long hair.</p><p>“I made french toast.” Sirius wrinkles his nose and decides to grab the bottle of whiskey. He pours himself two fingers, considers it for a moment and fills the glass halfway. Remus Tsks behind him but Sirius resolutely ignores him and heads to the sitting room. He startles when he hears the voices of Harry, Ron, and Hermione, not wanting Harry to see him like this he quickly vanishes his drink.</p><p>“Morning, Sirius.” He nods his head to the kids as they head into the kitchen, he distantly hears them conversing with Remus and Nymphadora.</p><p>“Is that a Pink Floyd shirt?” Hermione sits across from him with a tasteful amount of French toast on her plate.</p><p>“Yeah, I guess it is.” He pinches the fabric between his fingers and looks down at it.</p><p>“My dad listens to them, he’s a muggle.” Right, Hermione is muggle-born, just like Lily.</p><p>“Do you have a favourite song?” He commends her for trying to make conversation, he’s sure it’s a difficult thing to do, with the state he’s in. When he tries to think of the album’s nothing comes to mind.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten.” It shouldn’t surprise him, that his memories aren’t fully intact, but it does. It seems he’s lost more than initially realized.</p><p>“Have a cigar.” Remus comes in, leaning heavily on his cane, he used to only ever use it when the moon was bad.</p><p>“What?” Sirius tilts his head in confusion.</p><p>“That’s your favourite song.” He finds it nice that Remus knows that, even after all these years.</p><p>“The Dursley’s don’t let me listen to music.” Ron looks positively livid at the mention of Harry’s Aunt and Uncle, Sirius finds himself sharing the sentiment. Harry hadn’t talked much about his relatives with Sirius while he was on the run, but from how eager he’d been to live with a fugitive Sirius can guess the type of people they are.</p><p>“Why can’t you just live here with Sirius? I mean he’s got a massive house, I’m sure there’s room for you.” Sirius avoids looking at the Weasley boy and instead studies the dry skin surrounding his fingernails. When he’d asked Harry to come to live with him he had been expecting to be a free man by the end of the night, but of course, it didn’t work out that way. The night Dumbledore had sent him to his prison of a home he’d told Sirius, not unkindly, that he didn’t think it was a good idea to have Harry live with him. Dumbledore’d apparated before Sirius could even get a word in.</p><p>“Ron, you know Harry has to stay with his legal guardians until he’s of age.” Of course, Dumbledore’s fed them some bullshit half-truth to subdue them.</p><p>“That’s rubbish, they treat him like shite.” Hermione has half a mind to look extremely offended at Ron’s crude language, Harry just stares blankly at the ornate carpet.</p><p>“Molly said she’d need some help getting rid of some pixies upstairs, why don’t you three go up there?” It’s more so Remus telling than suggesting. Hermione grabs their plates and places them in the kitchen before following the boys.</p><p>“Dumbledore thinks you should stay here tonight.” He balls up his fists and chews aggressively on his bottom lip.</p><p>“Does he now? What do you reckon I should do?” He doesn’t mean to be snippy at Remus, but the mention of the old man always sets his teeth on edge.</p><p>“I think you need fresh air, and I wouldn’t mind the company.” He’s glad Remus agrees with him on this matter, he doesn’t have it in him to start a fight.</p><p>“What’s your favourite song, Rem?” He wished he still knew.</p><p>“Comfortably numb.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Hogwarts 1976</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The poem is from the book Love is a dog from hell.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Where you been hiding lately</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Where you been hiding from the news?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Because we've been fighting lately</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We've been fighting with the wolves</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With the wolves</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Red tongues and hands</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Hogwarts 1976: sixth year</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sirius eats breakfast alone today, just as he’s been doing for the past three days. The moon was four days ago, Sirius had had friends four days ago. He pushes the food around his plate, unable to actually bring it to his mouth, it’d taste like mush anyway. He’s one of the few students scattered around Gryffindor table, it’s only six in the morning. He’s made the effort to get up before everyone else and go to sleep before them. It’s his own perfectly constructed torture, He’s isolated himself from his friends and his own mind, so he’s let numb, trapped in an empty shell that is his body. He’d done what he knew would hurt the most, what he knew would be unforgivable. Even James who was always ready to jump to his defence has torn into him and is now resolutely ignoring him. He wants to laugh at himself, this is the outcome he wanted, so why did it feel this fucking awful? Maybe it would have been better if one of them had beaten him up, the silence is pure torture. He pushes his plate back and the food vanishes. He looks around the great hall and catches his brothers’ eye, Regulus quickly looks away. He stands up and makes his way out of the great hall, accidentally bumping into someone.</p><p>“Sorry.” He mumbles, trying to get away as fast as possible. But the other person doesn’t seem to care about what he wants.</p><p>“Where are your merry band of idiots today, Black?” The news still hadn’t spread, that it was because of Sirius that Remus was in such a bad state.</p><p>“Sod off, Evans.” He brushes past her but her fingers close around his boney wrist.</p><p>“What’s up with you boys? I haven’t seen you together in almost a week.” Sirius bristles and pulls his arm away none too gently. She frowns at him, but she doesn’t actually get mad, it infuriates him.</p><p>“Is your life so fucking boring you’ve got to pry into mine?” She doesn’t rise to the bait like he’d hoped she would.</p><p>“I’m just trying to make conversation.” She holds up her hands in surrender and passes by him. Sirius decides to head to his first class, eager to avoid any more conversations. He’s got Alchemy first thing, a class which none of his friends -former friends- share with him. he sets his things down and lowers his head onto his arms, professor Pollyworth won’t be there for another hour.</p><p> </p><p>He’s jerked awake by a thud on the desk, and he looks up to see Marlene sitting down next to him. He generally likes Marlene, she’s got the same music taste as him, and she doesn’t pry.</p><p>“Wotcher, Sirius.” She greets and he musters a half-smile. Marlene doesn’t ask about his foul mood and he’s grateful for it. The lesson begins and he only half pays attention, mindlessly writing down the notes from the board. When the bell rings the dread that had been building up makes him feel sick. He’s got Transfiguration next, which means assigned seats, which means sitting right beside Remus. Sirius drags his feet all the way there and it ends up making him a few minutes late. Everyone is already in their seats and he notices with bile rising in his throat that the only seat available is next to Remus. The man in question doesn’t even look at him or acknowledge his presence, and he doesn’t know if it makes him feel worse.</p><p> </p><p>Another week goes by and Sirius sits alone every day. His hair lies flat on his head and his robes seem to be too big on his almost skeletal frame. Regulus will occasionally look back at him with a pinched look on his face, Sirius tries not to let it get to him. Ever since the summer, his relationship with his brother has gotten even worse, and this time it wasn’t even his doing, at least not on purpose. He did what he had to do to protect his little brother, so be it if Regulus doesn't understand that. They’re set to leave for Christmas break today, he’s sure Remus can’t wait to get out of his presence, even James must be glad. Regulus looks over at him one more time before gathering his things and leaving.</p><p>“Hey, Sirius.” He startles and turns to see Marlene settling down next to him, accompanied by Lily and Dorcas.</p><p>“You’re up early,” Lily remarks like she hasn’t seen him down here every morning at six. </p><p>“Are you going home for the holidays?” He realizes that this is her extending an olive branch, and choosing to ignore his attitude towards her yesterday.</p><p>“Yes, and I assume you’re staying here?” Lily nods, looking grim. Surprisingly he and Lily got on well, much to the dismay of James. And when they got back from summer he had found her crying in the common room late at night. She spilled to him all the problems with her sister and they’d bonded over the fact that their siblings seemed to despise them.</p><p>“Dorcas and I are going camping!” Last year Marlene and Dorcas had started dating almost immediately after she and Sirius had broken up. He’d taken it quite hard and had lashed out at Marlene, saying some really shitty things, but she’d talked to him the entire night and explained to him that there was nothing wrong with being attracted to the same sex. </p><p>“You should come with us, Lily.” Lily scrunches her face up and laughs.</p><p>“I’m flattered, but I’m not too keen on third-wheeling the entire time.” Dorcas shrugs and scoops some egg into her mouth, while Marlene looks at her fondly. Sirius pushes his uneaten food away and gathers his things.</p><p>“I’m going to start packing, maybe I’ll see you before I go?” Lily nods and the others wave goodbye. On his way out Sirius passes by James and ducks his head to avoid making eye contact. James slows for a moment and it seems as if he’s going to talk to him. But the moment is short and James continues on, going back to pretending he doesn’t exist.</p><p>On the train home, he sits alone, not even his brother will sit with him. Merlin, he must look pathetic. He spends his time reading a muggle poetry book he nicked from Remus at the beginning of the year.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>there is a loneliness in this world so great</em>
</p><p>
  <em>that you can see it in the slow movement of</em>
</p><p>
  <em>the hands of a clock.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>people so tired</em>
</p><p>
  <em>mutilated</em>
</p><p>
  <em>either by love or no love.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>people just are not good to each other</em>
</p><p>
  <em>one on one.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>the rich are not good to the rich</em>
</p><p>
  <em>the poor are not good to the poor.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>we are afraid.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>our educational system tells us</em>
</p><p>
  <em>that we can all be</em>
</p><p>
  <em>big-ass winners.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>it hasn't told us</em>
</p><p>
  <em>about the gutters</em>
</p><p>
  <em>or the suicides.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>or the terror of one person</em>
</p><p>
  <em>aching in one place</em>
</p><p>
  <em>alone</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>untouched</em>
</p><p>
  <em>unspoken to</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>watering a plant.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>His tears fall onto the pages and he hastily wipes them away, fearing that someone is watching him. He longs for his friends and he wishes that it didn’t have to come down to this, but he has to protect them. All to soon the train pulls into the station and he has to gather his things and get up. He makes sure the book is secure in between his folded robes, his mother will surely burn it if she sees it. He meets his Mother on the platform and greets her with a kiss on her cold cheek.</p><p>“Where’s your brother?” Sirius looks around and sees that Regulus isn’t there yet.</p><p>“He must still be on the train.” Sirius glances at the train but he sees that the doors are closed and the train is already pulling away.</p><p>“Hello, Mother.” He turns around and Regulus is walking up to them.</p><p>“Let's go.” She holds out her arms for her sons to take and she Apparates them to 12 Grimmauld place. Sirius has to steady himself on the nearby wall and take a few deep breaths, Regulus seems to be in the same situation. His mother seems unbothered and disappears into their father's study. Kreacher takes the brother's things to their respective rooms and Orion Black steps in front of them.</p><p>“Tomorrow is the day you will get your mark, Sirius. Don’t look so glum, this is the highest honour.” His father claps him on the shoulder and Sirius thinks he may buckle under the weight of it, but he doesn’t.</p><p>“Put on your best robes, tonight we will be celebrating!” Sirius walks to his room with lead in his gut, he has to remind himself that this is the right thing to do. It’s uncustomary for the dark lord's followers to get their marks before they are of the age, but Sirius is a special case. He is the heir of the house of Black and he needs to be controlled, needs to be subdued.</p><p>“Are you really going to go through with this?” He startles at his brother’s voice.</p><p>“Yes, you know I have to.” regulus looks down at his feet and back up at him.</p><p>“This isn’t the life you want, I can see that.” This is probably the longest conversation they’ve had in a month.</p><p>“It’s the life that was chosen for me, Reg. You’re still young, you still have so many good things going for you. I can’t let you go down this path.” Regulus looks thoughtful for a moment.</p><p>“Have you considered that I can make decisions for myself?” Sirius has considered that, but he’s also considered that Regulus has been influenced by his parents their whole lives.</p><p>“Trust me, you don’t want this.” Regulus scoffs and turns away, leaving Sirius alone.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Now walking back, down this mountain</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The strength of a turnin' tide</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh the wind so soft, and my skin</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yeah the sun so hot upon my side</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh lookin' out at this happiness</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I searched for between the sheets</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh feelin' blind, I realize</em>
</p><p>
  <em>All I was searchin' for, was me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh oh-oh, all I was searchin' for was me</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Today is the day he’s supposed to sign his life away to the dark lord. He is by no means ready as he dresses in his best robes, he is not ready when he combs his hair back, he is not ready when he takes his father’s outstretched arms.</p><p>“You are making us proud, Sirius.” He is not ready.</p><p>“Wait!” regulus calls and they both turn to look at him.</p><p>“I wanted to give you something, can you come with me to my room?” Sirius looks to his father for permission and he nods. He follows Regulus up the stars with thousands of questions running through his mind. When they step into his room and there is nothing there Sirius turns to his brother.</p><p>“What’s going on?” Regulus meets his eyes and tilts his chin up.</p><p>“I’m not going to let you do this. I told your friends what you were planning to do, and they’re waiting for you.” Sirius shakes his head.</p><p>“No, I won’t go, I won’t leave you here!” He doesn’t care that he’s raising his voice, or that his parents may be able to hear him.</p><p>“Stop being so stubborn, I’m fine here, you aren’t! So you’re going to go now, while you still can.” Sirius realizes the flames in the fireplace are shimmering emerald green.</p><p>“No, I’m not going to leave without you!” Regulus doesn’t listen to him and shoves his hard into the fireplace, and before the flames engulf him he sees Regulus smile.</p><p>“Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.”</p><p> </p><p>He falls out of the fireplace at the Potter manor, utterly confused and hurt. James must have been waiting for him because Strong arms grab him and haul him up into a hug.</p><p>“I’m so sorry Sirius, I’m so sorry.” They stay like that for a while, James hugging him and Sirius crying into his shoulder.</p><p>“Where’s Remus, I have to talk to him.” </p><p>“I’m right here.” He and James finally pull away and Sirius makes eye contact with Remus. He jerks his head to the bedroom and Sirius nods. James doesn’t follow them, probably sensing that they need to talk through this alone.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Merlin Remus, I’m so sorry.”Sirius sits heavy on the bed and lays his head in his hands, he can feel the bed dip beside him and a warm hand soothes up his back.</p><p>“I’m still mad at you, but not for the same reasons. I mean, why couldn’t you tell us what was going on? Do you not trust me, us?” Sirius jerks his head up and looks Remus in the eye.</p><p>“Of course I trust you, but I couldn’t put you in danger. My parents, they threatened you guys and I needed you to be as far away as possible from me.” Remus pushes the stray hair back from his face, something tender in his eyes.</p><p> “Promise me, that you’ll never lie to me again.” Sirius quickly glances down at his lips then back at his eyes, Remus Shirley notices.</p><p>“I promise.” Then he leans in and kisses him. Remus stiffens for a moment and then relaxes into his lips. His hand comes to cup the side of Sirius’s face and he brushes his thumb up and down. Sirius pulls away for air and looks at Remus’ flushed face.</p><p>“What does this mean?” Sirius takes time to consider this.</p><p>
  <em>“I drive around the streets</em>
</p><p>
  <em>an inch away from weeping,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>ashamed of my sentimentality and</em>
</p><p><em>possible love” </em>Remus sucks in a breath and pulls Sirius against his chest.</p><p>“You love me?” He asks cautiously.</p><p>“Yes, I always have.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The wolves</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Once again the poem is from Love is a dog from hell.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Now I saw a friend of mine, the other day</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And he told me that my eyes were gleamin'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh I said I'd been away, and he knew</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh he knew the depths I was meanin'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And it felt so good to see his face</em>
</p><p>
  <em>All the comfort invested in my soul</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh to feel the warmth, of his smile</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When he said, 'I'm happy to have you home.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh oh-oh, I'm happy to have you home</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It was nice to slip into the mindset of Padfoot, where all his human worries melted into the background. He wondered what it felt like to be inside the wolf’s mind. Remus often said that when they were with him he could remember more, and he felt as if he had more control. He wishes he could’ve been there to ease the pain of the moon, he hates that his Moony had to go through it all alone.</p><p>“You should change now, it’s gonna happen soon.” He shifts to the mind of the dog and circles Remus as he writhes in agony. Padfoot whines and licks at the wolf’s muzzle as it becomes aware of its surroundings. The wolf regards the dog with bright yellow eyes and greets him like an old friend.</p><p> </p><p>When the moon finally releases it’s hold on Remus, Sirius apparates them back to Grimmauld place and lays him down on the bed. He coats some small cuts and scraps with Murtlap and wandlessly heals his bruises.</p><p>“Thanks.” Remus’s voice is rough from howling and Sirius hands him a glass of water, Remus gulps it down eagerly, thanking him one more time. While Remus closes his eyes again Sirius takes the opportunity to run his eyes over his body. thirteen years he’s missed, thirteen years he could have spent looking after Remus and raising Harry.</p><p>“Why are you crying?” Remus raises a shaky hand but lowers it before touching Sirius’s face, he tries not to let his hurt show.</p><p>“Just thinking of what could have been.” Remus shakes his head and pulls himself into a sitting position.</p><p>“There’s no good in doing that, it’ll only make you sad. Focus on what we have now, Sirius. Think of what will be.” It’s awful that Remus is right in front of him, alive and breathing, yet he cannot touch him. Because Remus has not been his for so long, and Sirius fears that the crack between them is now an endless depth. He’s got nothing to bridge the gap between them and if he leaps he knows he will fall, and then he’ll have nothing left.</p><p>“Don’t kid yourself, Remus, there is nothing for me. Dumbledore will keep me trapped in this house until I’ve gone mad. You’re free to leave, you’re free to have a future, so I can’t help but dwell on the life I could have had.” Remus looks stricken and Sirius hates that he’s the cause of it, but he needed to get that off his chest.</p><p>“I can’t even begin to comprehend what goes on in that man's mind, but we have to trust he’s got a plan.” Sirius rolls his eyes.</p><p>“We thought he had a plan last time, and our friends ended up dead! How many more people do we have to lose for you to understand that we’re all just fucking pawns in his game!” Remus’s cheeks colour in anger and he turns away from Sirius.</p><p>“I can’t have this argument again, Sirius. Who cares if we’re pawns? You know just as well as I that we’re not good for anything else. I am never going to have a normal life, a normal job and neither are you. We're lucky that we have a purpose, so just shut your mouth and follow orders.” This isn’t a new argument and it feels his body with resentment. Deep down he knows that this is his purpose, this war is the only thing keeping him from giving up. But he hates how powerless it feels, he hates how everything reminds him of his family and how he can’t escape, not like last time. </p><p>“I’m so tired, Remus. I can’t keep going on like this.” The anger seems to have left Remus’s body and he sags deep into the bed.</p><p>“<em>our educational system tells us</em></p><p>
  <em>that we can all be</em>
</p><p>
  <em>big-ass winners.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>it hasn't told us</em>
</p><p>
  <em>about the gutters</em>
</p><p>
  <em>or the suicides.<br/></em>
</p><p>
  <em>or the terror of one person</em>
</p><p>
  <em>aching in one place</em>
</p><p>
  <em>alone</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>untouched</em>
</p><p><em>unspoken to</em>” Remus reaches out to him again and actually takes his hand in his, stroking his thumb back and forth.</p><p>“I’m tired too, but we have to see this through until the end.” Remus drops his hand and turns over in the bed. Sirius takes this as his cue to leave, but he lingers at the door.</p><p>
  <em>“I drive around the streets</em>
</p><p>
  <em>an inch away from weeping,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>ashamed of my sentimentality and</em>
</p><p><em>possible love” </em> He whispers into the suffocating silence between them, Remus does not answer.</p><p> </p><p>Harry and his friends, accompanied by Remus are heading out to dragon alley. Sirius, of course, isn’t allowed to come. He had almost thrown a fit, but Remus had laid a hand on his shoulder and quieted him instantly.</p><p>“Do you want anything?” Remus asks him before they are going to leave.</p><p>“I want to go with you.” He realizes he’s pouting like a child, but he’s been cooped up for too long.</p><p>“You know that won’t happen.” Sirius wants to scream and stomp his foot, demanding he be let out. But Harry is watching him with big eyes, and Sirius is the adult.</p><p>“I want Butterbeer.” Remus nods and finally turns his attention to the kids.</p><p>“I’ll go out first and then let you guys know when it’s safe.” He disappears out the door and Sirius gets a glimpse of the outside world. Due to all the protective charms on the building 12 Grimmauld place doesn’t exist once you’re out of it, so he can stand in the doorframe and breath in the air. Ron steps out of the doorway and Sirius’ eyes longingly follow him. Hermione steps out next and she looks at Sirius, giving him a sad smile.</p><p>“Can you come as Snuffles?” Harry asks, hopeful.</p><p>“We’re not in the position to be taking risks.” He repeats the words Dumbledore has said over and over, anytime he’s asked to go out.</p><p>“Come on, Harry.” Remus calls and Harry hesitates.</p><p>“Don’t worry about me, go have fun.” He lightly shoves Harry out the door, and waves at him. Once he’s stepped off the landing the door shuts and the deadbolts fasten in place. Dumbledore’s placed a special charm so that anyone but him can open them, it’s a cruel reminder that he is still a prisoner. There are no Order members present in the house, so now Sirius the only living thing, except Kreacher, but he’s not good for company. Sirius busies himself in the kitchen by making a pot of coffee, it only kills about five minutes. He goes into the tapestry room and runs his hands along the walls, his fingers halting where his burn mark is. His fingers now slid over to Regulus’s face.</p><p>“You were so naive.” He brushes away an absent tear and quickly exits the room, locking the door behind him. After looking at the family tapestry he has a week moment, so he calls on Kreacher.</p><p>“Kreacher. Bring me the key to Regulus’s room.” The wizened house elf appears with a heavy brass key clutched in his hands.</p><p>“Master Regulus’s key, Kreacher’s been keeping it safe. Master Regulus told Kreacher that only Master Sirius could open his room.” Kreacher hands it over and it instantly warms in Sirius’ palm, it’s almost as heavy as his heart. The steps leading up to the third floor seem to stretch on for miles and Sirius considers turning back and leaving this for another day. But he miraculously gets to the landing and is standing in front of his brother's room. He doesn’t even need the key to unlock the door, because it swings open at the touch of his fingers. It’s exactly as it was the last time he saw it, his heart aches with the scattered images his broken memory provides. Keep your head up, keep your heart strong. Not even a layer of dust has settled over the room, he guesses Kreacher has been cleaning it. The emerald sheets are pulled taught over the bed and a cream envelope is perched on the silver pillow. Sirius cautiously picks it up and sees that it is addressed to him. With shaking fingers he pries it open and carefully unfolds the note.</p><p>Dear Sirius,</p><p> </p><p>I know I will be long dead by the time you read this, and I want to say I am sorry. I am sorry that we grew apart, I am sorry that we didn’t have more time together. You are probably wondering how I died, are you not? I discovered that the dark lord was making Horcrux’s, splitting apart pieces of his soul so that he will no longer be mortal. I have seen the dark lord's plans, and I know I will no longer stand for his ideals. Maybe it would have turned out differently if I had run away with you that night. How I wish we could revisit the past and change the future. I hope that by the time the dark lord has discovered my betrayal he is mortal, and I hope you have found peace. We were too young to have lived through what we have been through. Please tell me that you have found happiness in these dark times. Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.</p><p> </p><p>Your brother,</p><p>Regulus A. Black</p><p> </p><p>The tears that drop onto the page make the words bleed, he quickly sets it down to protect it from further damage. He reinspects the envelope and the Black family ring falls out. Just before he was supposed to get his mark, Orion Black had offered the ring to Sirius, but he could sense the dark magic emanating from it. Regulus had taken it instead and worn it with pride, and now it falls back to Sirius. Instead of the dark magic it once housed, he can only feel the energy of his brother. He slips it onto his finger and it almost feels like his brother is right there beside him.</p><p>“I should have come back for you.” He whispers into the stifling silence, his words cut the air like a knife and the spell is broken. He wipes the tears from his eyes and places the letter back on the pillow. He longs for the return of Remus, and Harry. He can’t stand to live in the silence of this house anymore, he can’t stand to be held prisoner by his mind. Though his mind is not his sole prison guard, Dumbledore holds the key to his cell.</p><p>“Fuck you!” He yells and kicks the wall, leaving a sizeable indent. </p><p>“Is Master Sirius ok?” It’s the first time Kreacher has ever shown concern over his well being, it catches him off guard.</p><p>“No, I’m not ok.” He shuts the door to his brother's room, effectively cutting off the unwelcome memories. He checks his wristwatch and sees that only an hour has passed, Remus is not due to return for two more.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I hope that death contains</em>
</p><p>
  <em>less than this.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. 7 bottles</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Am I making history, am I working out?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Only what the moon does to the devout</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I may be floating through memories</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With maybe the broken wings on a butterfly</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But didn't we dream big once or twice?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And that's just fine</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Remus comes home almost three hours later, to a drunk Sirius. Sirius only gets a glimpse of the kid's faces before Remus ushers them to their room. He watches with disdain and takes another sip of his aged whiskey.</p><p>“Really?” Remus raises a brow and Sirius has to look away from the disappointment etched onto his features. He hadn’t really meant to get drunk, he’d just gotten out the bottle and hadn’t stopped until he reached the bottom. Remus is looking at said bottle and vanishes it with a frown.</p><p>“How much was that bottle worth?” Sirius shrugs, probably more money than Remus has ever seen. He’s started to make a dent in his parent's liquor collection, it brings him a small amount of joy that the expensive liquids usually end up in the toilet the morning after.</p><p>“If you can’t control yourself I’m pouring them all downtime drain.” Sirius mustn’t react the way that Remus wanted, because he sighs and walks out of the room. Somehow that feels worse than Remus pouring the alcohol down the drains. He sets his glass down and follows Remus to the sitting room, where he’s unwrapping some books.</p><p>“Those for school?” He gestures sloppily to the pile, he sees Remus take a deep breath.</p><p>“No, they’re personal.” When he doesn’t say anything else and pulls the books closer to his chest, Sirius gets the message.</p><p>“Oh, sorry, I’ll just go.” He goes to his room on the third floor and locks the door behind him. There are vulgar muggle posters permanently stuck to the wall, to piss off his mom. Almost naked girls are posed on bikes, their skin oiled up and shiny. His old Gryffindor scarf is pinned to the wall as well, he reaches out his hand and brushes his fingers against it. He vaguely remembers wearing it in the quidditch stadium, watching James flying around the pitch. He can almost remember the warmth of Remus beside him. He reaches to his side and his palm lands on the cold bedsheet. </p><p>“What happened?” It’s a stupid question, he knows what happened. He lost faith in Remus and went to Azkaban for twelve years. It’s so stupid looking back, he was so stupid. The war had put so much tension on their relationship and Sirius couldn’t handle it.</p><p>“How could you be so stupid?” He must sound crazy, talking to himself.</p><p><em>You are crazy.</em> That voice was most definitely not his and he turns around expecting to see Remus, but no one is there and his door is still closed.</p><p><em>Poor Sirius Black, God do you hear yourself?</em> Sirius shakes his head to try and rid it of the voice, it doesn’t work. It’s just the alcohol, he tells himself. There’s nothing more or less to it, it’s just the booze in his system.</p><p><em>Are you sure about that? Crazy’s in the blood, isn’t it?</em> He smacks his hand against his head and it rattles him enough that the voice is gone. The last thing he needs right now is a voice in his head.</p><p>“Sirius?” There is a knock and the sound of Harry’s voice. Sirius curses and unlocks the door with his wand.</p><p>“Come in.” He has a second to feel embarrassed about the posters on his walls before Harry steps in. He glances around the room with a small smile on his face, studying each of the things on the wall. Harry stops in front of a letter pinned next to a moving photo.</p><p>“Are those my parents?” The picture in question is of Lily and James holding a smiling Harry in their arms.</p><p>“Yes, and that’s you.” Harry’s eyes are sad but a smile plays at his lips.</p><p>“Your mother wrote me that letter the night they went into hiding.” He was surprised to find it in a box placed on his bed at Remus and his old apartment. After the debacle in the shack, he had gone to the apartment that Remus and he had called home, and had found boxes of all his things. <em>I didn’t have the heart to throw your stuff out.</em> Is what Remus had said. </p><p>“Is it alright if I read it?” Sirius looks back up to Harry, almost forgetting that he was there.</p><p>“Of course.” </p><p>Dear Sirius,</p><p> </p><p>Harry is asking where Padfoot and Moony are, I don’t have the heart t tell him that I don’t know if we will see them again. James is getting a bit stir crazy, even though we’ve only been on lockdown for a few hours. He misses you terribly. How are things going with Remus? The last time we talked you mentioned that you suspected him, do you really think that? He’s Remus Lupin, he folds his socks for Merlin’s sake! But please tell me that you are not serious (I didn’t mean it like that) He loves you, he loves us all, he could never be the traitor. Peter has been saying strange things about you, he mentioned seeing you in knockturn Alley. I’m afraid I must end this letter, Harry is crying and only my hugs will soothe him</p><p> </p><p>With love,</p><p>Lily</p><p> </p><p>Both Sirius and Harry have tears in their eyes once the letter is finished.</p><p>“What were you doing in knockturn Alley?” Harry is looking at him expectantly. <em>It’s not too late for you, Sirius. If you join us the dark lord will assure your pets’ safety. </em>Sirius has to close his eyes against the voice of his cousin.</p><p>“I don’t remember.” He lies. Harry shrugs and places the letter back on the wall.</p><p>“We went to some Muggle stores, Remus kept staring at this leather jacket. I didn’t think he would be interested in things like that.” There’s only one store in downtown London that sells jackets like those, they used to go there together. His heart aches with the thought of Remus standing there alone, Sirius hopes he was thinking of him.</p><p>“Did my parents write you any other letters?” Sirius nods and he gets up to pull a worn box from under his bed. He blows the dust off the top and opens the lid, he almost cringes back with the force of memories.</p><p>“You can have them.” Sirius pulls out all the letters from Lily and James, keeping the ones between him and Remus for himself.</p><p>“What if I get expelled? Could I come stay here with you?” Sirius had completely forgotten about Harry’s trial, some Godfather he is.</p><p>“This place isn’t a home, and besides, you won’t get expelled.” Sirius doesn’t think anyone has ever been expelled from Hogwarts, besides Hagrid. And he’s the famous Harry Potter, the saviour of the Wizarding world.</p><p>“I’m scared, of these things that I’m feeling.” Sirius cocks his head, interested.</p><p>“I’m so angry all the time, and sometimes I think I’m just like him or turning into him.” Sirius doesn’t have to ask who ‘He’ is.</p><p>“What if I’m evil?” Sirius suddenly stands up and places his hands on Harry’s shoulders.</p><p>“We’ve all got both light and dark inside of us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.” He moves his hand to rest over Harry’s heart, his bony fingers digging in.</p><p>“This heart is who you are, Harry.” He hesitates a second and then wraps Harry in his arms, cradling his head.</p><p>“I have complete faith in you, Harry.” Sirius steps back and awkwardly look down at his feet. He never really had to comfort people, and when he did it was Remus. And comforting Remus was different than anyone else.</p><p>“Harry? It’s time.” Arthur is standing at the door, nervously twirling his thumbs. Harry looks stricken. Sirius has no idea what a trial is like, he never got one. But Harry should be fine, it was defensive magic.</p><p><em>You didn’t do anything, and look where you wound up.</em> He digs his nails into his palms until the voice goes away. Harry leaves with Arthur and Sirius follows them to the front door, hoping to get another glimpse of the outside. But Remus stops him.</p><p>“It’s no good to do that, you’re just torturing yourself.” Sirius looks up into his amber eyes and sees hard determination, Remus thinks he’s going to make a run for it.</p><p>“I’m not going anywhere.” He says bitterly. Harry and Arthur Apparate away and Sirius is alone with Remus again.</p><p>“How was Diagon Alley?” Sirius is desperate for any new information on the outside.</p><p>“Dull, I took them to muggle London instead.” As kids, Remus always liked the calm of the back alley shops in muggle London.</p><p>“Am I allowed to see the books you got?” There’s conflict in Remus’ eyes as he looks around Sirius’s face.</p><p>“No, not yet.” He sighs, not liking the secrets. Remus senses this and lays a big hand on his shoulder.</p><p>“It’s nothing bad, just some personal things.” A frown tugs at his lips.</p><p>“We used to know everything about each other.” They never had secrets, not until the war.</p><p>“Things change, Sirius. We changed.”</p><p> </p><p>Harry doesn’t return until the next day, but he’s got a bright smile on his face. Harry tells them all in great detail how Dumbledore had swooped in and saved the day but then left without a word.</p><p>“There was this nasty woman in pink who wanted me detained.” Arthur nods grimly, she must be a real git if Arthur Weasley doesn’t like her.</p><p>“Dolores Umbridge.” Sirius either doesn’t remember or know her, but the others seem to share a great dislike for her. </p><p>“She’ll be teaching at Hogwarts this year. The Ministry wants to have more influence over Dumbledore’s actions. It’s not right, mixing politics and school.” Molly rants as she sets the table with a variety of breakfast items.</p><p>“Do all of you have your school books?” Sirius asks, trying to make conversation.</p><p>“We got them a week ago, Sirius, Remember?” Sirius actually didn’t remember that, he ducks his head to hide his embarrassed blush. Hermione quickly steers the topic to all of the new spells they’ll be learning in their fifth year.</p><p>“I’ve already read all my textbooks, front to back. I’m just so excited for the new year.” Ron and Harry look a little glum as Hermione prattles on about their OWLS Exams, her attitude reminds him a bit of James. At first glance, he didn’t look like a nerd, but he was crazy about school. </p><p>“Did you do well on your exams, Sirius?” All eyes are on him suddenly and he feels a bit shy.</p><p>“Sirius had Outstanding on every exam.” Hermione’s mouth drops open in shock at Remus’ words.</p><p>“You must tell me how!” Sirius thinks Hermione will be disappointed with his answer. How does he explain that years of strict Pureblood education has cemented everything in his mind? How does he explain that he would be severely punished if he failed to answer a question right?</p><p>“I was quite baffled myself when I saw his marks.” Remus has an easy-going smile on his face, his mind lost in the happiness of the memory.</p><p>“Lily was infuriated that he was second in potions. She even accused him of cheating once.” Sirius lets a laugh bubble out of his throat, and Remus turns to him with wide eyes.</p><p>“She couldn’t believe that a slack off could be as good as her.” Remus laughs too and Nymphadora follows the curve of his throat with her eyes. Sirius’s mood sours and he pushes his plate away.</p><p>“It was lovely, Molly. But I’ve got some things to sort through.” No one seems that shocked anymore at his sudden mood changes, they’ve all gotten used to the idea of him being unhinged.</p><p>
  <em>It's not hard to believe, you’re a Black after all.</em>
</p><p>“Shut it!” Bloody brilliant, he’s verbally responding to the voice now. Harry and all the other kids are leaving tomorrow for Hogwarts. That means that everyone but Remus and him are going home. The only reason Remus is staying is that his landlord kicked him out, it hurts Sirius that he’s the last option. Instead of going to the third floor to sulk in his room, he walks up to another set of stairs. His parent's room is the only bedroom on this floor, the rest are just filled with dark artifacts and family heirlooms. The first week he stayed here Buckbeak stayed in his parent's room, but Sirius couldn’t watch the poor creature be caged in. So when the order was out doing whatever they do, he let Buckbeak go. Sirius gently opens the door and takes in his parent's room. When he was very young he would lay by his mother’s side as she would sing old French lullaby’s to him. That was before Regulus was borne before Sirius had started thinking for himself. He slips off his clothes, so he’s left in just his boxers and t-shirt. He pulls back the onyx sheets and slips into its silk embrace. If he concentrates hard enough he can still smell his mother's perfume, oddly enough, it soothes his mind. Before he knows it his eyes are closing and his consciousness is leaving.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“God, look at you, Sirius.” Remus runs a scarred hand up Sirius’ side, causing him to shiver.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re so perfect.” His thumb brushes over Sirius’s nipple. And he bows his back, trying to push into Remus’ touch.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“So needy.” He has a devilish smirk on his face as he takes away his hand, Sirius whines and tries to move closer.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Shh, it’s ok baby. Do you want me to make you feel good?” He nods as Remus brushes a sweaty strand of black hair from his face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Use your words.” Sirius closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Please, Remus. Please touch me.” Remus complies and latches his mouth to Sirius’ nipple, he cries out and arches into his mouth. Remus’ other hand travels down to his thigh and brushes over his sensitive skin. He purposely avoids the spot Sirius wants him to touch the most, it’s infuriating.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re beautiful.” His face heats with a blush as Remus stares at him with open adoration, Sirius preens under the attention.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Please, fuck me.” Remus's eyes shut for a second and breathes in the scent of Sirius.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Please.” Remus seems to finally relent and wraps a big hand around Sirius’ cock, Sirius lets out a moan as he begins to stroke him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Need you so bad, Remus.” Remus’ other hand, now slick, circles around Sirius’ hole. He bucks into the touch and cries out again. When his finger finally pushes in Sirius could almost cry out in relief.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What a whore.” Each word is punctuated by a sharp thrust of his finger.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Such a slut for me.” Sirius moans again and pushes his ass against his fingers.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Only for you.” Remus chuckles against the skin of Sirius’ neck. He adds another finger and sucks on the delicate skin of Sirius’ neck.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re pathetic.” Sirius’ brow furrows but he continues to push back on Remus’ hand.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No one could ever love you. Pathetic Sirius Black.” Sirius tries to pull back but the grip on his hips is bruising, holding him in place. Remus laughs, it’s cruel.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Did you honestly think I could ever care about you?” A hand closes around his throat and he struggles to take in air, Remus looms over him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re the reason our friends are dead. You’re the reason Harry doesn’t have a family.” Sirius tries and fails to pull away again, Remus finger keep driving into him and the pain is almost unbearable.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re going to die unloved and alone.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sirius shoots up in bed, cold sweat dripping from his skin. He presses the heel of his palm into his eyes until he sees white.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>people are not good to each other.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>perhaps if they were</em>
</p><p>
  <em>our deaths would not be so sad.</em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Everything</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>terror finally becomes almost</em>
</p><p>
  <em>bearable</em>
</p><p>
  <em>but never quite</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>terror creeps like a cat</em>
</p><p>
  <em>crawls like a cat</em>
</p><p>
  <em>across my mind</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sirius was too afraid to close his eyes after the dream, lucky for him it was only midday. He had a few hours to sort through his head and try to deal with his thoughts. He takes another bath to wash the sweat and spunk from his skin, this time he lays a mat on the cold tile. He doesn’t soak and washes his hair as fast as he can, he even avoids looking down at himself. He doesn’t want to return to the crowd downstairs, he fears that Remus will be able to smell the shame emanating off of him. He can’t help but torture himself with the thought of Remus being with other people, he <em>was</em> gone for thirteen years. He finds that he hates the thought, he only wanted Remus for himself, he’s selfish like that. It’s awful that he wanted Remus to be alone all those years, he doesn’t want Remus to touch someone other than him.</p><p>“Sirius?” He nearly jumps out of his skin at Hermione’s voice.</p><p>“Yes?” He really does like her, she seems like a nice girl. But the last thing he wants right now is human interaction.</p><p>“Have you ever produced a Patronus charm?” It’s an odd question, considering he graduated years ago.</p><p>“Yeah, just a few times.” After Hogwarts, he hadn’t had enough happy memories to produce a corporeal Patronus.</p><p>“You’re learning them this year?” He can’t recall if it was the fifth or sixth year that they learned the charm.</p><p>“Yes, but it’s not about that. I’m worried about Harry.” Sirius cocks his head, suddenly interested in the conversation.</p><p>“Is there something going on with him?” He hadn’t actually seen it, but he’d been told that Harry had produced a fully corporeal Patronus to save him.</p><p>“Well that’s the problem, I don’t know.” She’s speaking in riddles and it’s starting to tire him out.</p><p>“As you know, Harry can do the patrons charm. And he got in trouble with the ministry for producing one.” Sirius is failing to see where this is going.</p><p>“Ok, and?” Hermione sighs, clearly conflicted.</p><p>“He tried to show Ron and me, but he couldn’t do it.” She looks at him with raised brows, expecting him to catch on.</p><p>“I don’t see the problem.” He is completely lost right now, honestly not sure what she’s trying to get at.</p><p>“To produce a Patronus charm you have to have happy memories, and Harry not being able to produce one is quite indicative of his state of mind.” It’s almost like a lightbulb goes off in his head.</p><p>“Tonks told me how empty he had looked when they’d come to get him. She said it looked like he wasn’t even there.” He’s been so self-absorbed that he couldn’t even see that his Godson may be suffering.</p><p>“I don’t see how I can be of much help.” They’re leaving tomorrow and Sirius will be stuck here.</p><p>“He won’t talk to me or Ron, and I have good reason to believe that he’ll open up to you or Remus.” Remus seems the more likely candidate for that, he’s got that aura about him. </p><p>“I’m just really worried about him.” It would be surprising if Harry was perfectly fine, he’s probably got enough trauma to last him three lifetimes.</p><p>“You’re a good friend, I’m glad Harry’s got you.” A light pink blush rises on her cheeks and she ducks her head. </p><p>“For the record, I think it’s unfair of Dumbledore to keep you locked up in here.” Her sentiment is appreciated but not helpful.</p><p>“Thanks.” They stand there awkwardly for a few moments before Hermione slides past him and down the stairs. If possible he feels even worse than when he woke up. He’s been so occupied with how he was feeling that he didn’t stop to consider what Harry must be going through. He watched his friend die for Merlin’s sake. Even though he planned on ignoring Remus for the rest of the day, he thinks it best to discuss this with him as soon as possible. When he gets downstairs he finds that Remus is nowhere to be found.</p><p>“Where’s Remus?” He asks Molly, who is chopping some carrots.</p><p>“Tonks and he were sent on a mission, they won’t be back until tomorrow.” A stab of pain that is not physical pierces through his heart, Remus hadn’t even said goodbye.</p><p>“I’m sorry Love, he didn’t want to wake you.” Had Remus checked in on him? Had Remus sensed what he was dreaming of and felt the need to get out of the house?</p><p>“Do want to help me chop the vegetables?” Things had been tense between their interactions Ince the dinner incident, but it seems like she’s trying to move past that.</p><p>“Sure.” She hands him a long silver knife and slides a cutting board loaded with sweet potatoes. They are already peeled so all he has to do is cut them into little chunks. He takes one from the pile and slices it cleanly in half, it cuts like butter. This action continues until half of the potatoes are cubed. He shifts his wrist and the edge of the knife catches the sunlight.</p><p> </p><p>A ray of sunlight reflects off his chains and burns his eyes. The tiny cell only had one minuscule window, that only gave way to the sun an hour a day. Coincidently this is when the Dementors come through on their daily rounds. He can feel them before they’ve even rounded the corner, ice slowly crawls its way around the glinting metal. The horrid rasp of breath alerts him that the dementor is at his cell door, the life seeps out of him until his chains are the only thing holding him up.</p><p> </p><p>“Sirius, are you alright?” He realizes too late that he’s gripped the blade of the knife, his blood spills over and drips onto the potatoes.</p><p>“Yeah, shit, I’m sorry.” Molly tuts and gently takes his hand in her’s. She runs it under the cold water and he hardly flinches back. He can feel Molly’s worried gaze on him but he doesn’t want to meet her eyes, he knows he will only find pity. </p><p>“Let me help.” She shuts off the tap and pulls out her wand, but before she can cast a spell Sirius rips his hand from her grasp.</p><p>“No magic.” She looks confused but doesn’t press the issue. She scoops the contaminated potatoes into the garbage and asks him to stir the stew instead. The hearty smell of it reminds him of nights open at the Potters, Euphemia singing as she cuts and chops vegetables. He remembers James making this their first night in Godric’s Hollow, singing the same songs his mother used to. The memory isn’t as sad as he thought it would be, it actually brings a reminiscent smile to his face. There’s a loud crack behind them and Sirius almost tosses the soup spoon.</p><p>“What have I told you about Apparating in the house?” </p><p>“Sorry mum,” Either Fred or George say, Sirius can’t tell the difference between them. </p><p>“Now that you’re here, come chop the vegetables.” There’s protest from both of them, but they come over and help their mother. Both of the boys tower over him and It makes him feel slightly intimidated. Almost everyone in this house towered above him, he reckons he stopped growing at fourteen.</p><p>“Harry told us you made the map.” George or Fred whisper to him. Sirius smiles proudly, they’d completed it in their fourth year.</p><p>“We’ve got so many questions.” Molly glares at them and they quickly return to their tasks. Soon enough the vegetables are chopped and stewing in the broth, and the twins have wandered off, probably to cause some mischief. </p><p>“I’m good to watch the soup, Molly. Why don’t you take a break.” She seems offended that he even suggested it, but she must hear something in his tone because she sighs and takes off her apron.</p><p>“It should be ready in forty-five minutes.” He nods as her figure disappears into the sitting room. Once he is sure that she’s fully gone, he unwraps the gauze from his hand. It looks not unlike Remus’ sounds directly after the full moon. The skin is raised and an angry red around the open wound. He presses his nail into it and hisses when blood bubbles to the surface and drips onto the floor. The pain helps him take his mind off of Remus, he doesn’t want to think of what he and Tonks might be doing, alone together. He shakes his head to rid his mind of the image.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>It's only when things are not going too badly for a while that we forget.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sirius actually sits down at the table and takes a few cautious bites of stew, it’s actually really good. He has to force himself to slow down, less he is sick later. And much to the delight of Molly, he has second and third helpings. He keeps sneaking Glances at Harry to entire time, to try and catch a flicker in his facade. After lunch, he places his bowl in the sink and wanders off to one of the many rooms in Grimmauld place. He feels weird that Remus isn’t in the house. Even when they’re not in the same room he can sense Remus’ presence. But now he just feels a sharp pain of loneliness in his stomach. He realizes too late that the sharp pain in his stomach is not the cause of Remus’s absence. His knees buckle as his stomach turns itself inside out. He spews undigested chunks of vegetables and meat onto the expensive rug of his father’s study. He heaves until there is nothing left but the burning bile in his throat.</p><p>“Kreacher.” The house-elf appears with a crack and bows low to the ground.</p><p>“Can you please clean this up?” Kreacher bows again and the vomit disappears with a snap of his fingers.</p><p>“Please leave now.” The elf disappears and Sirius looks around the study. He had only been in here a few times in his youth, the door was always locked. Books are lining the walls, all of them dark no doubt. A huge mahogany desk stands tall near the north wall of the room, a spinning globe is perched atop it. Sirius gets up on unsteady feet and he walks over to the leather chair, he cautiously sits down in it, expecting his father to come in and scold him. But that doesn’t happen because his father is dead. He pulls open the drawer and studies the artifacts in it. Nothing really stands out to him, but a worn suede notebook draws his attention. He picks it up and wonders what his father may have written in it. He unstrings the twine and the notebook opens to the first page.</p><p> </p><p>10/11/1959</p><p> </p><p>I have brewed a combination of Angel’s trumpet draught and death-cap draught. The potion is a deep red and gives off the odour of death. It must sit under the moonlight for a fortnight before it can be consumed.</p><p> </p><p>24/11/1959</p><p> </p><p>The potion has been administered to the subject with very little side effects. The subject’s eyes have turned grey, there seem to be no other side effects.</p><p>30/11/1959</p><p>The subject does not seem to be responding to the potion. I will brew it again and administer more than last time. Walburga is hesitant, but I have explained to her all the possibilities if this experiment proves successful.</p><p> </p><p>14/12/1959</p><p> </p><p>I have tripled the dosage of the potion, the subject put up very little resistance. After an hour the subject’s hair turned Black.</p><p> </p><p>20/12/1959</p><p> </p><p>The subject seems to have lost touch with his emotions. The subject will no longer cry, nor smile. Walburga is worried, but I have assured her that this is all a part of the process. The subject has odd moments of disconnect from reality, this is slightly concerning to me.</p><p> </p><p>01/01/1960</p><p> </p><p>The new year brings many great things to the house of Black, My wife no longer has doubts about my experiments. She feels that this will be the best for the subject.</p><p> </p><p>04/02/1960</p><p> </p><p>I have not been able to administer any more potion the subject, for we have been in Paris visiting our distant family. The subject's hair has stayed Black but he does not get lost in his head as often as before. I cannot tell if this is good or bad. I fear that the subject will begin to develop a tolerance towards the potion. I will tweak the recipe so no tolerance will be developed.</p><p> </p><p>10/03/1960</p><p> </p><p>The subject has responded badly to the new potion, I will have to return to the old one. </p><p> </p><p>“Sirius?” He shuts the book with a startle and slams the drawer shut. Harry looks embarrassed to have caught him off guard.</p><p>“What’s up, Harry?” Harry glances around the room.</p><p>“Mrs. Weasley wanted me to tell you supper is ready.” But they just had lunch not even an hour ago.</p><p>“What time is it?” Harry glances down at his watch and grimaces.</p><p>“Six o’clock.” Sirius takes a sharp intake of breath. He’s been in here for over four hours? </p><p>“Alright, I’ll be right there.” Harry leaves with one backwards glance at him. Sirius scrubs a hand over his face and curses. He knew his father was involved in some sketchy things, but he hadn’t thought that he would experiment on an actual human being. Sirius involuntarily shivers at all the atrocities that his father could perform.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. melancholia</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>The history of melancholia </em>
</p><p>
  <em>includes all of us.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>His stomach is still sore from his vomiting so he decides to skip out on dinner. Remus isn’t there to chastise him for it, so he feels no guilt when he doesn’t even grab a plate.</p><p>“You’re not eating?” He shakes his head at Ron and doesn’t offer an in-depth explanation. He still sits down at the dinner table and tries to talk to the others, but his mind is on the journal he found in his father’s study. He wonders who the subject was and if they were still alive. He doesn’t know how far long the experiment goes on, and he’s itching to get back to it. He waits until everyone’s plates are half-cleared to excuse himself. Molly seems upset that he hasn’t touched anything but she doesn’t comment on it, for which he is grateful. He heads back to the study and makes sure to lock the door behind him. He pulls out the suede notebook and settles back into the chair.</p><p> </p><p>25/03/1960</p><p> </p><p>The subject has started showing signs of magic six years younger Than usual, this pleases me greatly. Walburga no longer has doubts and is pleased with the outcome.</p><p> </p><p>13/04/1960</p><p> </p><p>Walburga is pregnant with my second child, I hope it is another son. I have no use for a woman, they do not have as much power in the world of politics. I have supplied the subject with constant doses of the potion every other day, soon the subject will not need it anymore.</p><p> </p><p>30/06/1961</p><p> </p><p>I have another son, and Walburga will not let me experiment on him, I am disappointed. The subject has shown a great understanding of magic and is very powerful already. I have great expectations for him.</p><p> </p><p>10/08/1963</p><p> </p><p>I have stopped administering the potion to the subject. The effects have stayed and I believe that it has finally bonded with his basic biology. To be safe I will administer the potion once every year</p><p> </p><p>30/08/1971</p><p> </p><p>My experiment is finally complete, the subject will be attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He already knows the spell he will need to succeed in his studies, and he can already do wandless magic. I may even go as far as to say that I am proud of him, my heir. Sirius Orion Black will do great things.</p><p> </p><p>Sirius drops the book in shock, unable to comprehend the words he just read. It can’t be true, it just can’t. What father experiments on his own child, and at such a young age? He suddenly stands up and the chair falls backwards with the force of it. The ground lurches beneath him and he falls to his hands and knees, panting. He doesn’t want to believe that there is something different, non-human in him. Maybe this is how Remus feels before the full moon. He dry heaves onto the carpet and slams his head onto the ground.</p><p> “No, no, no.” He rips the gaze from his hand and digs his fingers into the still-fresh wound. The pain helps somewhat to ground him back at the moment, but it doesn’t slow his heart rate. He wishes that Remus were here, he needs the comfort of his touch, and the soothe of his voice. But Remus isn’t here, he’s on a mission, with <em>Nymphadora. </em>A growl rumbles low in his throat and the globe behind him shatters.</p><p>“No!” He slams his fist into the ground and all his father's books fall to the floor.</p><p>“Remus, please.” Sirius sees red.</p><p> </p><p>He wakes up in an unfamiliar room, in unfamiliar sheets. He rubs his eyes and tries to identify his surroundings, it’s one of his many spare rooms.</p><p>“Huh?” Someone shushes him and he tries to locate the source of the voice. He finds Remus on an ornate chair next to the bed.</p><p>“I’m right here.” He gives Sirius a once over and pulls the covers back. He crawls in next to him and sits up against the headboard with a book in his hands.</p><p>“How’d I get here?” He slurs his words and looks groggily at Remus’ scarred face.</p><p>“I found you in the study passed out. I carried you up here.” The image of Remus holding him bridal style makes pink rise in his cheeks.</p><p>“I saw the journal.” It takes a moment for Sirius’s brain to catch up with the words Remus has said.</p><p>“Oh.” Remus nods and puts a cautious hand in his hair.</p><p>“It’s fucking awful what he did to you. And I want you to know that I don’t see you as any less.” He thinks he said something similar when he found out Remus was a werewolf.</p><p>“I don’t know who I am anymore.” Embarrassingly tears are brimming his eyes and falling down his cheeks.</p><p>“I do, and that’ll have to be enough for now.” With Remus’ hand carding through his hair, Sirius feels his eyes slip closed.</p><p> </p><p>The days after Harry left blended together, he hardly ate or slept. And Remus never said anything, just regarded him with sad eyes. He’d been talking more with Nymphadora, hanging out with her more, and it hurt. It burned his insides and left him with nothing but seething jealousy. But who is he to lay claim to a man that hasn’t been his for thirteen years, a man who doesn’t even want him anymore. Luckily enough he wouldn’t have to see Severus until the summer if he survived until then. He could feel the physical toll that this house is taking on him, he can feel it seeping his very life force. He even finds himself missing the presence of plump Molly Weasley and the smell of home-cooked meals. Now with her gone he survives off expensive whiskey and cigarettes, he’d found a stash in his mother's bedside drawer. In his early years, she didn’t smoke much, but as Sirius got older she needed it to calm her. She was a bit barmy near the end and he feared he was heading down the same path as his dear old mother.</p><p>“Wotcher, Sirius.” Nymphadora settles herself on the chaise with a sizeable mug of coffee with way too much sugar. He nods his head and takes another sip of his whiskey. He had seen Nymphadora when she was young, had even held her as a baby. He’d affectionately called her Nym and encouraged her ever-changing hair colour, much to the dismay of Andromeda. For the better part of summer, she’s settled on a hot pink that contrasts with her olive skin. She’s got on a weird sister’s shirt that much too big and some worn grey jeans. She’s got a hooked nose, similar to Remus’, the thought makes him bristle. She hasn’t yet recreated any of his other features, he doesn’t know if he’d be able to handle that. </p><p>“Mum asks about you.” He hadn’t really thought of his cousin for a long time. He would’ve like to talk to her, but he is a wanted fugitive and Dumbledore doesn’t think it safe to be sending letters.</p><p>“Does she?” Maybe she’s just trying to make conversation, and maybe Andromeda hasn’t thought of him in years either.</p><p>“She wanted to know how you were holding up.” That doesn’t sound like her at all.</p><p>“In Grimmauld Place?” Nymphadora snorts, it’s quite un-ladylike, but also endearing.</p><p>“She thought as much. Actually, she wanted to meet up with you.” Sirius’ eyes widen in disbelief. Why would she tell him this, surely not just to torture him?</p><p>“No one knows you’re an Animagus, and I can look however I want. So I see no problem in going to meet her today.” She shrugs like she’s proposed that they make a pot of coffee, not go outside as a known fugitive.</p><p>“Remus won’t let us.” Remus was hesitant letting him join on the full moon’s, he doubts he’d let them go on a daylight stroll.</p><p>“Remus won’t know.” She’s got a mischievous glint in her eyes that is so familiar to James.</p><p>“Then I see no problem.” He vanishes his whiskey and her coffee and promptly shifts into Padfoot. Nymphadora smiles and alters her features to look like an unassuming muggle. Her pink locks grow and curl into honed strands, and her nose softens to look more feminine. Her breast swell and her loose t-shirt now cling to their roundness. </p><p>“Ready?” She conjures a pink studded dog leash and loops it around his neck. He huffs at the choice and she smiles, a big gap in between her front teeth.</p><p>“C’mon Snuffles!” He rolls his eyes as best as he can in his dog form as she opens the front door. It’s surreal stepping down the worn concrete steps of his house and into the outside world Nymphadora keeps a tight hold on his leash and her eyes shift around every passerby, scanning for threats. They make it to a park with a concrete mermaid in the centre, spouting water out of her mouth. From behind the statue, a tall slight woman with flowing black hair and piercing blue eyes greets them with a wave. Though she was in her forties she still looked beautiful and youthful. She smiles down at him and pats him on the head. She looks around at the muggles and then grips Nymphadora’s hand. </p><p> </p><p>They land in an unfamiliar living room, at least Sirius doesn’t recognize it. Nymphadora’s features melt back into the ones he recognizes and she lets him know he can shift back.</p><p>“Oh, Sirius.” Before he’s fully aware Andromeda has enveloped him in a warm hug, full of love. When they pull away Sirius is embarrassed to find that there are tears in his eyes, Andromeda seems to be in the same boat.</p><p>“You look like death.” Never one to mince her words her eyes scan over his body, and he finds himself wrapping his arms tighter around his middle.</p><p>“I feel like it.” Nymphadora has suddenly disappeared but he hears her voice and another mans’ in a far off room. Andromeda offers him a seat and sets down a mug of hot chocolate beside him, he sips it gratefully.</p><p>“It’s not fair of Dumbledore to keep you there, of all places.” Sirius nods to her words, he would much rather be living in the rat-infested cave he frequented for a year.</p><p>“Is there any use in clearing your name?” This is no new topic to Sirius, and it makes him scrub a hand over his face.</p><p>“Dumbledore said it would only bring us problems. That it would be too risky to bring attention to ourselves.” He thought it was utter bullshit, but everyone trusted the old man.</p><p>“Dumbledore is capable of Legilimens.” It was one of the man's many gifts, and what made him so respected in the Wizarding community.</p><p>“He would be able to go into your mind and see how that night went.” Sirius’s whole body still at her words. Could he have been free, if Dumbledore had done that?</p><p>“Why didn’t he?” He has to set the mug down because his hands have become too shaky to support its weight.</p><p>“To get you out of the picture.” At first glance it’s completely illogical, why would he let an innocent man go to jail? Unless he had an ulterior motive to have him out of the way.</p><p>“But why? What makes me so important?” Does Dumbledore know about the experiments his father practiced on him, does he know what possesses him? What was the point f keeping him locked up in Grimmauld place if he was not a liability?</p><p>“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Belatedly, he realizes tears are pouring from his eyes, he clumsily wipes them on the sleeve of his hoodie. She offers him a tissue box as Nymphadora and Ted rejoin them.</p><p>“Looking good, Sirius.” Everyone knows he is lying, but Sirius smiles and thanks him anyway.</p><p>“We should get back, Remus may have noticed we’re gone.” </p><p> </p><p>Remus is absolutely livid when they get back. He slams his fist on the mahogany table and it splinters beneath the force.</p><p>“How could you!” Remus was never one to yell, but he does now and it terrifies Sirius to his bones.</p><p>“How could you be so fucking irresponsible as to go out in broad daylight?” He raises his hand again and Sirius violently flinches back, expecting to be hit. In his anger, Remus barely notices his fear.</p><p>“Do you know what they would do to you if they found you? Answer me!” Sirius shakes his head no and a terrified whimper escapes his lips.</p><p>“They would have killed you! And you would be no use to us dead!” A numbing cold over wash him and he looks down to his feet. He suspected but he never thought it would actually be true. Remus only wants him around for information, he doesn’t actually care for him. He hardly feels useful now, and he wonders, distantly, if it would be better to be dead.</p><p>“It’s all my fault, Remus. I convinced him to go out with me.” He doesn’t look over at her and neither does Remus, Sirius can feel the heat of his anger enveloping him.</p><p>“Do you ever not think about yourself? Do you ever stop and think that your actions might have consequences?” Remus laughs, something cruel and distant.</p><p>“No, you don’t. Because you’re Sirius fucking Black, and nothing can touch you!” Sirius stands still as a statue and lets the hurtful words wash over him, they catch on his skin and seep into his bones.</p><p>“I don’t know how I could have ever loved you!” Sirius’ marble cracks and fat tears roll down his cheeks, dripping onto the floor. Remus’s chest is heaving with the weight of his words and his eyes are wild, animalistic. Sirius sets his feet into motion and walks past him, trying to keep his sobs inside, it’s not much use. As he reaches the first step he lets it loose and collapses to his knees, the pain hardly even registers. Footsteps approach him and a hand lays on his back, he flinches.</p><p>“Don’t fucking touch me!” His voice cracks and he drags himself up the remaining steps, trying to hide the shame. He catches a glimpse of pink hair and tells himself he’ll apologize later, but right now he needs to be alone. Because he hates himself he looks down at Remus, hidden by the banister. There’s no emotion on his face as he turns and leaves the room.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. The empty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for all the kind comments, I look forward to reading them! I'm sorry that I'm making him suffer so much but I promise that things will get better (eventually) &gt;:) There is vomiting and ED related stuff, so please be careful if that is triggering. Also there is dubious consent so please don't read the last paragraph it of makes you uncomfortable.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Potter Manor 1976</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Everything didn’t go back to normal after Sirius and Remus kissed, he hadn’t expected it too. The trust that he had cultivated over the years was shattered and Remus was reasonably worried around him. James had forgiven him as soon as he had heard about what was going on at home, it made him ashamed. Why should his friends forgive him because he has a shitty home life? The moon was fast approaching and Sirius had no idea where he stood with the wolf, James insisted it would be fine, but Sirius wasn’t too sure.</p><p>“Do you want me there?” He’s lazily running his hand up Remus’s side, it’s one of the few moments Remus is ok to be alone with him. Somedays they’d be sitting next to each other just talking, and then Remus would suddenly get up and wander off. Sirius tried not to let the hurt show on his face, but he would catch the pitying looks James would give him.</p><p>“No, I don’t want you there.” His hand stilled and he looked at Remus with wide eyes.</p><p>“Please don’t argue with me. I can’t have you there, not yet.” Not yet, that promised that there would be a time when he was allowed back. He gives Remus a smile but he doesn’t return it.</p><p> </p><p>It’s the night of the full moon, James and Remus are heading off into the woods, without him. Remus had not wavered in his decision, no matter how hard James had tried to convince him that it would be better for Sirius to come. Sirius had accepted Remus’s decision without complaint and had waved goodbye to them. </p><p>“Sirius darling, come sit down.” He’d been staring out the window for the better part of an hour now, listening for the wolf. Euphemia has a chair pulled out and is gesturing to it with a warm smile on her face. He takes it and she settles in next to him, she hands him a loaded plate and he thanks her.</p><p>“It’s going to take time, for him to trust you again.” He nods as he fills his face with her home-cooked food. Fleamont watches the exchange with an amused smile.</p><p>“I hate seeing him hurting, and knowing that if I was there I could have helped him.” James’ parents knew they were Animagi because the Potter’s never kept secrets. The Black’s were built on secrets, thrived in the secrecy of it all.</p><p>“I know darling, I know.” She pats him on the back and scoops more food onto his plate until he is sure his stomach is close to bursting.</p><p>“Off to bed now.” She doesn’t question it as he heads to Remus’ room instead and gives him a small pat on his head. He sits down on the bed and presses his thin fingers into his stomach, he pushes until it hurts. He feels too full like the seems of his stomach are going to rip. <em>You look disgusting, like a pig unbefitting of the Black name.</em> His mother’s words ring in his head and he gets up without thinking, heading to the bathroom. He makes sure not to glance in the mirror as he situates himself in front of the toilet. He had learned in his studies that the ancient Romans would purge themselves of their meals so that they could eat more. His mother told him that the house of Black purged their meals to stay pure. <em>Toujour purs</em>. He shoves two of his fingers into his throat and his eyes water. Nothing happens at first so he shoves them deeper, scraping his nails on the delicate skin of his throat. He gags, once, twice and then his dinner is rising in his throat. He repeats the motion until he spits out clear bile. His throat feels rubbed raw, but he finally feels empty. This was the first time he had ever done something like that, but surely not the last. He liked the feeling it gave him, he liked the emptiness of it. He stands up he sways on his feet as black spots his vision. His head is fuzzy as he crawls into bed, he sighs, satisfied. Maybe this is what it’s like to be a Black, to be empty.</p><p> </p><p>He wakes up in the morning, clammy and cold. The sun is only a line on the horizon and he knows that Remus and James won’t be back yet. He rummages through the bag Regulus packed for him and pulls out one of his many packs of cigarettes. His hands shake as he lights it and they only stop once the acrid smoke has seeped into his lungs. He doesn’t want to eat breakfast today, he doesn’t want to lose the empty. But the Potters would surely notice if he suddenly lost his appetite, he had to be smart about this. He lounges in the small crook of the window and smokes half a pack before he sees the figures of his friends in the clearing. He wandlessly cleared away the smell and runs down the stairs, he has to stop at the bottom and grip the railing tight until the spots clear from his vision. Remus is heavily leaning on James but he seems to have no major injuries. Euphemia helps them in and has Remus sit down on the plush green sofa.</p><p>“What hurts?” She’s got her Mediwitch voice on and is all business.</p><p>“Ankle and ribs.” Euphemia lifts his pant leg and Sirius winces at the swollen purple skin. She mutters a few spells and Remus visibly relaxes.</p><p>“Thanks.” She breaks off a piece of Honeyduke's finest chocolate and Remus eats it gratefully. Euphemia now turns her calculating eyes on him and puts a hand to his forehead.</p><p>“Are you feeling alright? You’re quite clammy.” He pushes away her concern with a shrug and a poor excuse of not getting a lot of sleep. Fleamont directs them to the table where piles of egg, sausage and pancakes are steaming. Remus loads up his plate and so does James. Sirius is more hesitant and takes time to carefully choose his portions. James gives him a curious look but doesn't say anything. They finish their breakfast in relative silence, Remus was never quite social after the moon, the wolf still close to the surface. He preferred to load up on meat in silence.</p><p>“May I be excused?” Sirius still couldn’t drop the habit of being so formal with Potter’s, James snickered behind his hand but still didn’t say anything.</p><p>“Of course.” He lets the house-elf take his plate and walks at a reasonable pace towards the washroom. He checks over his shoulder at least four times before entering and locking the door behind him. He shoves his fingers deep into his throat and tears spring to his eyes as his stomach turns itself inside out. After he was done he let his head lean against the wall behind him and he laughed.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Potter Manor New Years 1976-7</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sirius had begun to fall into a routine. He would eat smaller portions, excuse himself from the table, and then empty his stomach. If he thought he could get away with it he’d smoke a cigarette. Both James and Remus have begun to notice, but they haven’t confronted him about it yet. He’s sure they’re planning the perfect ambush. It’s putting him on edge, the waiting, the watching. Tonight is the Potters annual New Year's Eve party and Sirius is hoping they don’t choose to do their intervention tonight. He’s feeling pleasantly empty and looking forward to getting drunk on bubbly. </p><p>“Happy Eve boys.” A burly ministry man greets them, Isaac Castrow if Sirius recalls correctly. Ministry men and friends are beginning to file in and the friends take this as their chance to snatch some alcohol and head upstairs.</p><p>“To the new year and many pranks to come!” They clink their glasses and down whatever was in them. Sirius hisses as it bubbles in his empty stomach. He downs to more until his head is pleasantly fuzzy, it doesn’t feel as good as when he purges though. The next few hours follow similarly, they play exploding snap and drink as much as they can take, Remus stopped at his third glass and was still relatively sober. Fleamont comes up and chuckles at their efforts to hide the many empty glasses and bottles.</p><p>“T’s time for the countdown.” He turns around and says one more thing.</p><p>“Don’t let your mother find all this.” She chuckles as James and Sirius blush. Remus ends up having to help Sirius down the stairs, his feet are too unsteady. By the time they get down the count is nearly finished.</p><p>“FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE!!” The room erupts in cheers and sparks shoot out of everyone’s wands. James is swept into the crowd by relatives and Remus has the sense to pull them into an unoccupied bathroom. He looks at the door behind him and fixes Sirius with a hard look. He knows exactly where this is going, so he puts a stop to it.</p><p>“Are you-” His words are cut off as Sirius crashes their lips together. It’s not hard to get lost in the sensation of Remus’ tongue rubbing up against his. The question is long forgotten as Remus’ hands roam over his body, touching all his exposed skin. Sirius can feel himself growing hard with all the attention and he pushes against Remus’ leg. He gasps into his mouth and Remus grips his ass hard through his jeans.</p><p>“Tell me you want this, cause I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop.” Sirius presses himself closer and gasps into Remus’ mouth.</p><p>“I want this so bad.” His words are jumbled and slurred and he’s not sure Remus can understand him. He’s not sure if Remus even cared what he had said, because he’s ravaging his neck and backing him against the sink.</p><p>“Do you want me to tie you up?” Before Sirius can even respond Remus is pulling off his belt and fastening his hands over his head. Sirius reeves in cold fear as memories of punishments flood his mind, he tries to push them to the back of his mind and focus on the nimble fingers undoing his jeans.</p><p>“Stay still.” His voice is more growl than usual and Sirius looks into yellow eyes, this is not fully Remus, this is the wolf. He lets the wolf tear off his pants and he lets the wolf rack his nails down his side. He lets the wolf push two fingers into him wet with only a few drops of. Saliva. He lets the wolf fuck him roughly into the counter and he lets the wolf pump him full of his seed. He still doesn’t move when the wolf pulls out of him and quickly jacks him off to completion. He doesn’t move when the wolf slips from the room and the door clicks shut from behind him. He only moves once the footsteps retreat and he vomits into the sink, as the wolf’s cum leeks out of him. This is forgiveness.</p><p> </p><p>They don’t talk about it, and they never will. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And now I wonder which animal of us will eat the other first physically and last spiritually? We consume animals and then one of us consumes the other, my love.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. The empty part: 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Alone with everybody</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>the flesh covers the bone</em>
</p><p>
  <em>and they put a mind</em>
</p><p>
  <em>in there and</em>
</p><p>
  <em>sometimes a soul,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>and the women break</em>
</p><p>
  <em>vases against the walls</em>
</p><p>
  <em>and them men drink too</em>
</p><p>
  <em>much</em>
</p><p>
  <em>and nobody finds the</em>
</p><p>
  <em>one</em>
</p><p>
  <em>but they keep</em>
</p><p>
  <em>looking</em>
</p><p>
  <em>crawling in and out</em>
</p><p>
  <em>of beds.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>flesh covers</em>
</p><p>
  <em>the bone and the</em>
</p><p>
  <em>flesh searches</em>
</p><p>
  <em>for more than</em>
</p><p>
  <em>flesh.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>there's no chance</em>
</p><p>
  <em>at all:</em>
</p><p>
  <em>we are all trapped</em>
</p><p>
  <em>by a singular</em>
</p><p>
  <em>fate.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>nobody ever finds</em>
</p><p>
  <em>the one.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>the city dumps fill</em>
</p><p>
  <em>the junkyards fill</em>
</p><p>
  <em>the madhouses fill</em>
</p><p>
  <em>the hospitals fill</em>
</p><p>
  <em>the graveyards fill</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>nothing else</em>
</p><p>
  <em>fills.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>For the first time in his life, Sirius dreaded returning to Hogwarts. It’s because he knew that this year would not be the same as the last five, and it was his fault. He was not under the illusion that they would all act the same, once they returned. Peter was wary of both him and Remus now, and Sirius couldn’t blame him. Remus had become the monster he feared and Sirius had become something worse. James tried to continue on as if everything was normal, and Sirius had to commend him for his effort. </p><p>“Let’s pull a prank, just like the old days!” Sirius couldn’t find the usual pull he had for mischief and general trouble-making, and neither could Remus, it seemed.</p><p>“I’ve got lots of studying to do, sorry James.” To accentuate his excuse he gestures to his massive Arithmancy textbook. Sirius only knows it’s an excuse because he is also in the class, and Professor Vector had yet to assign homework this term.</p><p>“I’ll help you, James!” Peter was eager to get out of the weird tension in the dorm produced by him and Remus. James’s eyes lit up and he and Peter made their way out of the dorm. The two boys sat in silence for a while before Sirius sighed and asked the question he knew Remus had been dreading.</p><p>“What are we?” It was such a girly thing to ask, and it made him cringe. Remus just shrugs and Sirius can feel the anger rising in him at Remus’ dismissal.</p><p>“This isn’t a game for me.” He wanted that to be clear, he loves Remus. It wasn’t ideal if Remus only saw him as a good fuck, but Sirius would endure it. If he could have Remus in any way, he’d be alright with it.</p><p>“I don’t like games.” Remus shuts the book he was reading and looks Sirius in the eye now.</p><p>“I loved you, still do even after, yeah. But I wouldn’t be able to take it if you broke my heart.” Maybe this wouldn’t have been so complicated if Sirius hadn’t tried to kill Snape, all the what-ifs. </p><p>“I’m not a good person, Remus.” He had no problem admitting it, most things he did were driven by selfish reasons. Remus pauses a moment and studies him, he finds that he does not like those watchful eye roaming every part of him.</p><p>“I already knew that. It doesn’t change the way I feel about you like it doesn’t change the way you feel about me.” Sirius isn’t sure if he’s referring to what happened on New Years', he’s too afraid to ask. Once all the words had been said Remus leans over to him and takes his chin in his hand. </p><p>“You’re beautiful.” It’s so different from the frenzied fuck they’d had on New Years, Remus is gentle and kind with him. When Remus takes Sirius’ shirt off his eyes caress over the love bites he’d left on him, Sirius can feel his hardness pressed against his leg. There’s an animalistic gentleness when Remus prepares him, he shoves his fingers into Sirius's mouth and commands him to suck. He runs his tongue over the calloused fingers, hardened by the violent transformations he suffered each month. He tasted like earth and blood. He takes his time in opening him up, watching his reactions with hungry eyes, crooking his fingers just right. Sirius arches his back as Remus’ cock finally enters him, splits him open, fills him up. It isn’t fast and chaotic, it’s slow and methodical, each movement calculated and precise. Sirius finishes first this time and then Remus fills him up, so, so full. </p><p>“Gonna breed you like a bitch.” As soon as the words leave his mouth he flushes a deep red and his eyes cast down in shame. Sirius isn’t sure how to feel about the words, he’s just glad that Remus wants him.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that.” Sirius shakes his head, still unable to form a coherent thought, he feels so full, too full. He hisses as the werewolf pulls out and his face heats as he feels Remus’ spunk leak out. </p><p>“M’ gonna clean up.” He mumbles and Remus nods at him. He gets up on shaky legs and stumbles to their shared bathroom, he makes sure to lock the door behind him. He settles in front of the toilet and goes about his daily ritual, the skin on his fingers is rubbed raw and red. The expulsion helps to rid himself of the feeling of fullness, and he casts a cleaning charm on the rest of his body. Once he’s washed his mouth he lights a cigarette and blows the smoke out of a little window near the shower. He vanishes the ashes when he’s done and finds Remus fully asleep in his bed. He makes sure to pull the covers over his naked body and presses a tender kiss to his forehead.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>But I was born impatient</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I was born unkind</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But I refuse to believe I have to be</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The same person I was born when I die</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Cause change is alright</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Change is alright</em>
</p><p> </p><p>After they somewhat defined their relationship things became easier, and James visibly relaxed. They’d told him after a week of steady fucking, thought they were sure he already knew. He took it in stride and was overly accepting, Sirius was never worried about that.</p><p>“Please promise me to use silencing charms, please. I cannot stand another night of listening to you to go at it like rabbits.” Remus flushed but Sirius only smirked, he had purposely been forgetting to cast them, seeing how far they could push it. Peter, however, seemed to have an issue with it.</p><p>“But it’s not normal, right? I mean two blokes together, it doesn’t really work.” He looked to James for support but was sorely misguided. He had grabbed Peter’s arm and pulled him from the room, they came back an hour later, Peter not so secretly whipping tears from his eyes.</p><p>“I’m really happy for you guys.” That was all he said before scurrying to his bed and pulling the curtains tight. Sirius didn’t really care what Peter thought, never really had to be honest. He was infinitely glad that James accepted them, and so was Remus by the looks of it. They were still too afraid to go completely public with it, so only the Marauders plus Lily, Marlene, Dorcas and Mary. Marlene had confessed to knowing a long time before Sirius was ever aware of his feelings.</p><p>“Really? My hair’s the exact same colour and texture, and I’m taller than you.” It turns out Sirius did have a type, no matter how much he denied it. The Marauders and the girls had gotten on quite well this year, no doubt because they were curious about what had happened between them at the beginning of the year. Severus had been sworn to secrecy and Lily had stopped talking to him after he’d called her a Mudblood. </p><p>“It’s none of your business.” Sirius had snapped, rather harshly at Lily one evening and James had come to her rescue.</p><p>“Merlin Sirius, there’s no need to get mad over a question.” Lily had claimed it was no big deal but had still left the common room with James. Remus had given him a look but didn’t say shit about it. Meals had seemed to get harder each day, Sirius was disgusted by the very sight of his friends heaping plates. But he had to keep up appearances, so he fills his plate with small portions of the least nauseating foods he could find. He also discovered that now when he tried to swallow his throat would burn and he’d have to bite back tears. He was too afraid to go visit Madame Pomfrey about it, she would surely notice the paler of his skin and his rapidly declining weight. Even James and Remus were beginning to notice, their billowing robes only served to cover him during the day, and Remus had a full view of his naked body a few times a week.</p><p>“Padfoot, mate. Are you sure you’re alright?” He was gesturing at Sirius’ nightshirt, which now hung loose on his frame.</p><p>“Course I am.” He hugged his arm closer to himself and held his head up.</p><p>“I’ve just got a fast metabolism.” He knew that neither James nor Remus believed him but they left it for that night. Only the next night while Remus and he were snogging, he asked him.</p><p>“Why don’t you eat?” He knew that Remus noticed, how could he not, he was practically staring him down every single minute of the day. He knew there was no use lying to him, Remus didn’t like secrets.</p><p>“I like the way it makes me feel, the empty.” He didn’t know how else to explain it, but Remus understood him, always had.</p><p> “I can’t stop eating, can’t stop filling myself. I have to fill or I feel like I’m going to die.” It was rather poetic, that he couldn’t stand to be full and Remus couldn’t stand to be empty. Remus picks up his hand and studies the way the scabs have formed over his wounds, they never fully healed, he never gave them time.</p><p>“It’s killing you.” Sirius looked into Remus’ golden eyes, and he saw sadness deep within them.</p><p>“Everything’s killing me.” He was tired of the questions so he pulled Remus down and devoured him with his lips. He takes Remus’ cock in his mouth and laps up all it has to give him. When his release fills his mouth he pulls off, careful not to spill a drop, and he kisses him. He lets it spill from his mouth and into Remus’, he takes it eagerly. When he finally pulls away he is breathless and flushed.</p><p>“I love you.” He whispers into the delicate skin of his neck.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>If there are junk yards in hell, love is the dog that guards the gates.</em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. The empty part: 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>There's Kina graphic talk of vomit so if that gross be careful.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>And I've tried having faith</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But I'll rot like a dog</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Cause I've always been scared of loving</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Someone just a little bit more than I'm loved</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sirius hadn’t felt the urge to empty himself in years, not since Hogwarts. Remus had helped him get better, it was ironic that Remus had unravelled him. In Azkaban there was only survival, he couldn’t let his <em>feelings</em> kill him. So he had to fill himself up with the prison slop they gave him, fill himself with substance so he could hold himself together. But he’s out now and he can still feel the thick chocolate sloshing around in his stomach, so he sticks his fingers in his throat and pukes onto the floor. He doesn’t vanish it right away and he cautiously sticks his finger in it, it’s warm and the smell is putrid. He snaps his fingers and his sins disappear, just like that. Oh how he wished that it really worked that way, how he wished he could snap his fingers and everything would be ok. He runs his hands over his arms once thick with dark hair, but are now bare, naked. He doesn’t like feeling so naked, so rubbed raw, everything exposed in front of him. Remus used to make him feel that way, but he also used to make him feel loved. Love and hate are different sides of the same coin, but Sirius can no longer tell which side is which. He had loved Remus so dearly, and he had been loved in return, or at least he thinks he had. His memories were muddied, tainted by the dementors haunting whispers, maybe they were his own whispers. He didn’t know what was him and what wasn’t anymore. The line had begun blurring during their sixth year and had completely vanished during the first war. He had killed many people, not all of them death eaters, but he had done it to protect Remus, or at least he’d tell himself that. Near the end, he couldn’t tell what was protecting Remus, and what was for his own twisted fantasies. Sirius lets go of his arms and studies the indents his fingers left behind, blood-red against his pale skin. Blood, it was strange. It meant everything but nothing at the same time. In blood, he is a Black, a purebred stallion. But then he was disowned and blood suddenly meant nothing. The line has blurred between nothingness and everything, the house answers to his commands and Kreacher comes at his call. But his face is burned out on the family tapestry and he doesn’t feel at home here. He doesn’t go down for dinner that night, and no one comes to ask if he’s ok. Sirius doesn’t seek Remus out like he might’ve done many years ago, and Remus doesn’t come to him either.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>and you invented me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>and I invented you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>and that's why we don't</em>
</p><p>
  <em>get along</em>
</p><p>
  <em>on this bed</em>
</p><p>
  <em>any longer.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>you were the world's</em>
</p><p>
  <em>greatest invention</em>
</p><p>
  <em>until you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>flushed me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>away.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It takes days, maybe weeks, he had lost count after the first few hours, when someone finally knocks on his door. He’s too weak to get out of bed to open it, his bones too brittle to stand on. He tries to call out but his throat is too raw, He doesn’t know if his voice would come out anyway. His door slowly swings open and Remus walks in, hunched over, his eyes on the floor. Shame. He sits at the edge of Sirius’ bed yet he still does not look at him.</p><p>“I shouldn’t have said that. It was cruel of me.” <em>Shouldn’t have</em>, not regretted. Remus had regrets but apparently shouting at Sirius that he didn’t know how he could have ever loved him.</p><p>“It’s just that the-” Sirius cuts him off, knowing exactly what he was going to say.</p><p>“Don’t. <em>Don’t</em> tell me it’s the moon. Don’t lie to me.” Remus looks down at his hands, fidgeting and picking at the skin surrounding his nails.</p><p>“You were gone, and I’d thought you’d,” He shuts his eyes tight and takes a deep, shaky breath.</p><p>“I thought you’d done something irreversible. And then you came home and you smelt like strangers, and I was just so angry.” Sirius just listens, knowing that Remus has to say his piece without any interruptions. </p><p>“I was angry with myself, with Dumbledore, with Tonks, and I took it out on you. So I’m sorry.” He doesn’t bring up the topic of love, Sirius thinks it’s for the best that they don’t have that conversation, yet. </p><p>“It’s ok.” It’s far from ok because he no longer knows who he is without Remus. He felt Remus slipping away from him, he’s right there in front go him, but he’s not there <em>for</em> him. </p><p>“I can’t sit by any longer and watch you kill yourself.” You already have been. He pulls the covers back from Sirius’ body, and he shivers at the coldness of the air. Remus’ eyes roam over him, only observing.</p><p>“It’s back, isn’t it? The empty.” Sirius can do nothing but nod at him, he can see the disapproval in his eyes.</p><p>“Why don’t I make you some toast?” Sirius doesn’t think he'll be able to handle the sandy texture or be able to swallow it without feeling the acid burn in his throat. But he nods because he’d do anything for Remus.</p><p> </p><p>Remus returns a few minutes later with two pieces of toast in hand, one buttered and one slathered in thick pink jam.</p><p>“Strawberry, your favourite.” E doesn’t remember what his favourites are now, so he trusts that Remus isn’t lying to him. His hands tremble too much to hold the food so Remus brings it to his mouth and urges him to take small bites. There’s a proud smile on his face once he’s eaten the first slice.</p><p>“You’re doing so well, can you eat a little bit more?” He says yes, even though his stomach and jaw are aching with the effort, but Remus would be pleased if he finished it all. In the end, he does finish it all and Remus helps him wash it down with an anti-nausea potion, it doesn’t stop him from <em>wanting</em> to expel it.</p><p>“Is it ok if I step out for a bit? Tonks wants me to show her a muggle bookstore.” Just like that the precious moment they shared is shattered. Sirius turns away from Remus and shrugs.</p><p>“I’m not your keeper.” It’s the opposite, so he feels insulted that Remus tried to pretend otherwise. </p><p>“If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.” Please stay, please never leave me alone again.</p><p>“Just go.” Remus has no right to look as hurt as he does at this moment, he walks out the door without saying anything else. When Sirius hears the telltale slide of the deadbolts he leans over the side of his bed and vomits up his food. He doesn’t bother to clean it up and lets the smell of it cling to his room.</p><p>
  <em>We’re just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“I know you’re the traitor.” Startled, Sirius looks up from his book.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What?” Remus is standing over him a storm in his yellow eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I said, you’re the traitor. You killed James and Lily.” He shakes his head no because James and Lily are alive, they’re in their house safe and protected. Accept they’re not, they’re bodies are sprawled out on the floor, blood crusting around their eyes, nose, lips.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t know how I could have ever loved you!” Sirius tries to get up but he trips over Harry’s body and slips into a pool of his blood.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re the traitor.” Remus grips his arm and harshly pulls up his sleeve. Where there was pale unmarred skin minutes before, there is now a dark mark. It writhes under the attention and Sirius can feel it as though the snake is embedded in his arm.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You can never escape your blood.” Regulus is standing in front of him, hiding his wand to Remus’ throat, he looks so scared.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You killed me, Sirius.” It’s all my fault.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He shoots up in bed and pukes onto his lap, something black and vile is squirming around in his lap. With shaking hands he picks up a snake, its yellow eyes fit him with a cold stare.</p><p>“Remus!” He ells hi voice horse, he yells until Remus is panting in his room, staring at him.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Can’t you see? He shows Remus the vomit-covered snake, but there is nothing in his hands, nothing in his lap.</p><p>“Padfoot, what’s wrong.” The nickname brings a wave of tears to his eyes and Remus rushes over to him. Nothing is said as he takes him in his arms and soothingly rubs his back.</p><p>“I’ve got you.” Sirius sobs into his shoulder as Remus holds onto the pieces of him. He doesn’t let go, not even when he’s done crying. He lays back down with him and pulls him even closer to his chest. Sirius listens to the steady beat of his heart as a calming spell washes over him. Remus holds him close because he knows if he lets go, Sirius will break.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. It's alright, it's okay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>It's alright, it's okay, it's alright, it's okay</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You're not a monster, just a human</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That you made of your mistakes</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It's alright, it's okay, it's alright, it's okay</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You're not grouse, I'm just human</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That you made of your mistakes</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It's alright, oh</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It's okay, oh</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Remus never strayed far from Sirius’s side and he was infinitely grateful for that, he couldn’t bear to be alone anymore. They didn’t really take though, just sat in endless silence only broken by a sigh or a yawn. He never liked silence, but then he learned to live in and with the silence. Remus had always been silent until they had coaxed it out of him, but Sirius can see he has reverted to his old ways. Sometimes he’ll find Remus staring at him but then he’ll look away once he realizes he’s been caught. He likes that Remus stares at him, but he also hates it. There are days where he feels more like himself and more like he can take the weight of that stare, other days he feels himself crumble beneath him. Remus is attentive towards his every need and he backs off when Sirius needs him too, and he stays close when Sirius needs it too. They almost fall back into their old selves, except for her. Nymphadora seems to be lurking in every corner of Remus’ life. When they are in the kitchen for breakfast Nymphadora was on Remus’ other side, when they were in his room Nymphadora was at the door checking in on them. It infuriated him to no end, what right did she have to step all over his life, though what life was it? He was trapped, caged in, forbidden to leave. Remus and Nymphadora could leave any minute they wanted to, and that left Sirius in constant fear that Remus would leave him. But when had he not lived in constant fear? Ever since he was a child he always had to look over his shoulders. Even when he was friends with the Marauder’s he was scared that they would leave him, because he was taught to count on nobody. And then he’d gotten used to having them by his side, and he dropped his guard, and he lost everything. No one fought for him in the end, not even Remus. It must have been easy for them to believe that he was the traitor, he was a Black through and through. So now he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for Remus to tell him that he’s too much and that he has to get out of this house. If he was in Remus’ place he’d run too, but he has no illusions that he’s a good person Remus is a good person, so even if he was suffering he wouldn’t let it show. He was to ask him if he’s happy, but Sirius is afraid of the answer. If Remus said no it wouldn't be fair for him to ask him to stay. And if Remus said yes, he’d be lying. At the moment Remus was in the kitchen making, something, Sirius couldn’t remember what. The only reason he was eating was that it made Remus smile. And Remus ever vigilant watched him closely until two hours had passed since he ate. There were days that he couldn’t keep it down and Remus would rub his back and whisper encouraging words into his ear. Then there were the days that Remus would scowl and leave the house for a few hours, he’d come back and apologize and Sirius tried not to let it get to him. Remus has a lot to deal with on top of ‘babysitting duty’ as Sirius has taken to calling it. When he’s brave enough to venture from his room he’ll sit at the table downstairs and watch Nymphadora and Remus converse, even though it made his blood boil. Who was she to rest her hand on his arm and lean into him while she laughs? That’s what Sirius used to do, or he thinks he did, it was a mess up there. He actually isn’t sure if he and Remus were even together, or was that a cruel trick given to him by the dementors. Maybe that’s why Remus can’t look at him the same.</p><p>“How are you feeling today?” It’s a question he’s been asked every day for the past week, it’s becoming a bit annoying.</p><p>“I want to be alone.” His voice is firm, leaving no room for argument. Remus takes a second to look at him, it’s a second that lasts forever. Sirius can feel his eyes tracing across his skin, he can feel the heat of his gaze, scorching its path.</p><p>“Alright. Just yell if you need anything.” His gaze lingers a bit longer than the door is closing behind him, leaving Sirius alone. He regrets it right away, why had he even skated Remus to leave? Now he’s just giving him an excuse to go cozy up to Nymphadora, maybe Remus will take this chance to get out of this awful house. He takes a deep breath to calm his racing thoughts and centre himself, a little exercise Remus taught him. He pulls the covers back from his thin frame and carefully steps onto the cold hardwood floor. He goes over to the corner of his room where there is a small green box and he opens it. There are stacks of used and unused parchment, he picks up the piece on top of the pile and lays it out on the floor, carefully smoothing out the lines in the paper. He picks up a self-inking eagle feather quill and gets to work.</p><p> </p><p>He carefully blows on the ink until the shine of wetness has left it. He folds it and tucks it back into the box, and slides it under his bed. He doesn’t think he’s ready for Remus to see that, maybe he’ll never be ready for it. He shrugs to himself and slowly gets up, wincing as his knees crack painfully. Writing has only taken up an hour and he regrets sending Remus away. When he feels brave enough to venture downstairs he finds Remus and Nymphadora sitting at the table together, their hands clasped. Sirius feels like he’s going to be sick, so he vomits on the stairs. Remus must have heard his retching because he comes running and tuts in sympathy.</p><p>“Oh, Sirius.” He vanishes the mess and rubs a hand on Sirius’ back.</p><p>“Dora, can you get a nausea potion for him?” <em>Dora?</em> It almost makes him sick again, and he retches a few more times. Remus tilts his chin up and studies his face with a furrow in his brow, his face is coming in and out of focus. He presses his lips to Sirius’ forehead and rests them there for a second, he can feel the cool puff of breath on his head.</p><p>“Shit, you’ve got a fever.” He pulls back and the worry is clear in his eyes.</p><p>“Dora! Can you contact Poppy, and get her to Floo over?” Sirius’ eyes narrow as he tries to figure out why there are two Remus’ in front of him, he reaches out his hand and huffs when it passes through the air. Remus looks concerned and Sirius presses his finger in the crease between his brows.</p><p>“Wrinkles.” He laughs and chokes on some spit, hacking into his hand. Remus thumps him on the back and with each hit Sirius feels his brain rattle.</p><p>“Poppy’s on her way, here’s the potion.” Remus tilts his head up again and presses a vial against his lips.</p><p>“Trynna get me drunk, Lupin?” Remus does not laugh and instead forces his mouth open.</p><p> </p><p>He’s sitting in his father’s study, his hand wringing together nervously. He doesn’t know what this is about, he’s been a good boy all week, he hasn’t done anything wrong. His father walks in, tall and imposing, it has Sirius trembling in his seat. He sits across from him and opens a drawer in his desk. Sirius dares not to speak as his father pulls out a worn suede journal, and flips through the pages. Finally, he pears up at Sirius from his half-moon spectacles, Sirius can’t meet his eye. His father puts the journal down and pulls something else out of his desk, a small vial of black liquid. He beckons Sirius closer and it's like he’s under the imperius spell, he feels himself get up and walk towards his father. Once he’s at his desk his father stands and puts a heavy hand on his shoulders, he hands the vial to him and commands him to drink. He wants to ask what it is but he knows that will earn him a punishment. He takes the vial and it freezes his hands, seeping deep into his skin. His father commands him to drink again and Sirius does. Liquid fire pours down his throat and he chokes on it, his father puts a big hand against his mouth to stop him from spitting it out.<em> I don’t care if it hurts, choke it down</em>. </p><p> </p><p>Before he even realizes what he doing he’s smacked the vial out of Remus’ hand and it shatters on the floor. Remus looks to him in shock and raises his hands in surrender.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” His voice is so sickeningly sweet and Sirius feels a pang of guilt. The memory leaves him reeling and he has to close his eyes to right himself.</p><p>“Rem, Poppy’s here.” The Medi nurse comes into his sight and he tries to smile at her, it comes out more as a grimace. She tuts and starts directing Remus.</p><p>“What is he still doing on the steps? Get him on the couch, now if you please.” Remus lifts him up and carries him to the couch, he has hardly any time to appreciate the wiry muscles holding him up.</p><p>“What’s he been eating? What’s his sleeping schedule like? Has this happened before?” Her voice is becoming muffled and everything seems to be fading in and out.</p><p>“What do you mean he hasn’t been eating? Honestly, how do the lot of you survive without me.” Sirius thinks he can hear a touch of fondness in her voice.</p><p>“This is an anti-nausea potion, I’m going to give it to you know.” Sirius lets his mouth fall open this time and the cooling sensation somewhat clears his head.</p><p>“This is a dreamless sleep potion, do you want to take it?” All his nights have been plagued by bad dreams and he doesn’t want to pass up a chance at freedom, if only for a few hours. He nods his head, the words getting clogged in his throat. He drinks it down in one go and lets his eyes slip shut.</p><p>“Remus, I-” He doesn’t get to finish his sentence because the darkness claims him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. puppeteers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius wakes up in an unfamiliar room, his erratic heart echoing around him. His eyes feel glued shut and he fights to pry them open. When he finally opens them he’s greeted with high stone arched ceilings, which he knows are not a part of his house.</p><p>“Moony?” His words are slurred and the nickname slips unwilling out of his mouth. There’s a stirring at his side and he looks over to find Remus hunched over, his eyes closed. He looks around more at his surroundings and studies the bricks in the wall. They’re a dusty tope colour that seems oddly familiar to him, but he can’t quite grasp it.</p><p>“Rem?” This time Remus jerks up and almost falls out of his plastic chair.</p><p>“Shit, I’ve got to get Poppy.” Sirius doesn’t get a chance to ask where he is or what’s going on, because Remus stands up and runs out of the room. He returns only a few seconds later with Poppy in tow, she looks sullen.</p><p>“Where am I?” He finally bites out, Remus glances around nervously and then answers.</p><p>“Hogwarts.” Sirius bolts up and it causes a sting of pain to go through his head.</p><p>“What!?” He was under strict house arrest, he couldn’t even look out the front door, what the fuck was he doing at Hogwarts? And from what Molly’s told him there’s a ministry employee teaching, what the hell were they thinking.</p><p>“We’ve so many wards up if anyone breathes in our direction they’ll go off. You’re safe here.” Sirius didn’t feel safe here, he felt the farthest from safe. He tries to push himself back up but Remus’ hand on his chest holds him down.</p><p>“You’re really sick, Hogwarts is the best place for you now.” <em>Sick?</em> Since when had he been sick?</p><p>“Poppy didn’t have the tools to figure out what was wrong, so she had to bring you here.” Remus sits back down in his chair as Poppy runs her wand over his entire body, she tuts disapprovingly and looks at him.</p><p>“There’s something wrong with your head.” Sirius laughs, which causes another stab of pain in his skull. It’s not news to him that something is wrong with his head, probably been wrong since before Azkaban.</p><p>“Muggle technology would be better for diagnosing the exact injury. I’m afraid I can’t do much more than give you anti-inflammatory potions.” He wants to laugh again, he tries to imagine what his mother's face would look like if she heard that muggle medicine was better. He hopes he can leave soon, he doesn’t feel safe here anymore. He’d been hearing small things from Harry about the Umbridge woman, she apparently looked rather like a toad. She was one of the only witches who voted for Harry’s wand to be snapped, so Sirius hated her, even though he hadn’t even seen the woman.</p><p>“I’d like to monitor you another night, then you’ll be able to go home.” <em>Home</em>. At what point had he started referring to Grimmauld place as <em>home? </em>The last time he was at Hogwarts was the night in the shack, he still had hope of being a free man that night. He shuts his eyes and lets out a sigh. There was something neurologically wrong with his head, bloody fantastic as if he hadn’t already enough things to deal with.</p><p>“What time is it?” He wants to know how long he’s been here, but that might give them too much insight into his rapidly mental decline.</p><p>“Just after seven o’clock.” Remus flicks open a book and begins to read in silence. The beep of his heart fills the quiet of the room and it unnerves him, he doesn’t like to hear his heart. He could tell by the tiniest twitch in Remus’ eye that he did not like it either. Sirius watches as Poppy fiddles around the room and puts together some potion vials. There are mixtures of red green and black liquids and he recoils at the thought of having to put them in his body. Will he have to take potions every day until he finally kicks it? It’s not like he can go visit a muggle hospital, he’s still a convicted murderer, even to Muggles. Or maybe they won’t ever figure out what is wrong with him and he’ll just die in his sleep, maybe Remus would even sob over his body. He turns to see Remus’ eyes watching him, he’s scared that Remus can read his mind and he quickly turns his gaze away.</p><p>“Do you want a sleeping draught?” Sirius nods without thinking it over, the time will pass quicker if he’s not conscious of it. He accepts the light blue liquid and swallows it down easily.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>His paws pound against the soft dirt of the forest floor, kicking up dirt as he goes. His tongue lolls out of his mouth as he pushes his canine body harder, harder. The trees turn to a brown blur as he runs past them, faster. The glowing orb hands menacing in the sky, taunting the dog, taunting the wolf. The wolf, that is who he is running to, that is his purpose. A melancholy howl breaks through the branches and the dog runs even faster, pushing his body even harder. The trees disappear and the dog skitters to a stop in the barren field. The wolf opens its jaws and lets out a howl, but the land is empty, and the wolf has gone.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>This time when he wakes up he’s back in his familiar bedroom, staring at his familiar green ceiling. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Everyone is born with self-worth</em>
</p><p>
  <em>How easily it turns to doubt</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It takes letting go of what we know we can't live without</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>But the blood in the water</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Is the blood of my brother</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We both learned it didn't mean a thing in</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The end if one was thicker than the other</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sirius was once again confined to another prison, his own bedroom. What he thought was his only safe haven as a child has become another one of his prisons. He was hooked up to wires and machines that alerted every change in his body, because something was seriously wrong with him, or so everybody was saying. He doesn’t remember the day before he went to Hogwarts. It fucking sucks, probably the last time he’d ever get to see Hogwarts and he was unconscious for most of it. Remus tended to stay away from him now, and it was Nymphadora who was periodically checking on him. She didn’t seem to be joyed about it either.</p><p>“Did you say something to him?” She’s standing in front of the door, effectively blocking him from leaving. </p><p>“What?” He sits back down on the bed and cradles his head in his palms, he just wanted a few minutes out of his room.</p><p>“Remus! He’s been sulking ever since you got sick.” Is she really blaming him for Remus’ bad attitude, the fucking nerve.</p><p>“He’s a werewolf, he’s probably sulking about that.” He wishes that she would just leave him alone, but Sirius Black never gets what he wants.</p><p>“You’re so insensitive! It was definitely something you said. Can you just stop being selfish for once and think about how Remus is feeling?” All he ever thinks about is what Remus is thinking and feeling. All he ever thinks about is how Nymphadora is taking everything from him.</p><p>“Just leave me the fuck alone.” She hisses something under her breath and slams the door behind her.</p><p>“Un-fucking-believable.” He hears her mutter through the door. He can admit that he’s been selfish in his life, he would never deny that. But right now this is probably the least selfish he’s been. He has given up everything for the order, for Remus. Sirius wonders if he ever even had free will. Since he was a babe his life was laid out for him, but then he went to Hogwarts and he thought he could escape that. But now he can see that he was moving from one puppet master to the other. Dumbledore pulled their strings so well they didn’t even know they were tied up until it was too late. Dumbledore wanted him to go to Azkaban, Sirius is sure of it. He had to be put away until he was useful again. And Remus, poor Remus. He was cast aside for thirteen years, possibly made to think it was all over. And Sirius is the bait. Because Dumbledore knew what they meant to each other, he knew what they would do for each other. He pulls at his hair and chews at his bottom lip. He has nothing left and he’s probably going to die in this war. He might as well play along with this sick game. He was raised to be a soldier, so a soldier he’ll be.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I can't even remember why you had to go</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I wish I could see inside you, but I'll never know</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You ain't giving second chances to allow us to grow</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So I guess my only choice is to go with the flow</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. The veil</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yes this is the infamous veil scene, but turns out very different.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There is something inside him, eating him, destroying him. It has to do with the potions, they’re poisoning him., he knows it. It’s all Nymphadora’s fault, she just wants him out of the picture so she can have Remus to herself, that fucking bitch. Kreacher comes in the deliver the potions and he watches as Sirius drinks them down. But he never stays long after, he’ll collect the empty vials and leave him alone. So as soon as Sirius can no longer hear his mutterings he’ll shove his fingers down his throat and expel the potions. They score his throat as they leave and bring tears to his eyes. Sometimes he feels as if Remus can see right through his act, maybe he can smell the vomit on his breath, can smell the perspiration on his skin. There are some days when Remus comes to give them to him himself, and he doesn’t leave immediately after.</p><p>“Please don’t be difficult today.” Remus scrubs a hand over his face and hunches forward.</p><p>“Look, I know you haven’t been taking the potions. I’m not mad, just please take these ones.” He hands over three black vials, they smell like strawberries. He takes them in his hands and turns them over, studying the way they reflect the light. His hand shakes as he brings it to his mouth.</p><p>“For me, please.” Sirius takes a deep breath ad lets the potion run down his throat. Remus takes his hands in his and runs his fingers over the skin.</p><p>“I wish I knew how to make things better, for you,” Remus whispers a spell under his breath and his torn skin knits back together.</p><p>“You could let me out.” Remus looks over to him with a pleading look in his eyes.</p><p>“You <em>know</em> I can’t do that.” Sirius drinks the second potion, and Remus offers him a hesitant smile. He gets up with a grunt and looks down at Sirius, offering a hand.</p><p>“I brought the record player, from our old place.” Sirius cocks his head to the side.</p><p>“Come listen with me, like old times.” Like old times.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“You just don’t get it, James, they’re fucking legends!” Sirius takes another drag off his cigarette and passes it to Remus.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s just music.” James shrugs and turns back to the chessboard. Sirius puts a hand to his chest and puts on a fake hurt expression.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Just music? Do you hear this Moony? James says Pink Floyd is just music!” Remus laughs and hands him the cigarette.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“The nerve. Ok, close your eyes and just listen.” James does as asked and Remus sets up the record player, gently placing the needle on the vinyl.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Come in here, dear boy, have a cigar</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You're gonna go far, you're gonna fly</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You're never gonna die</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You're gonna make it if you try</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They're gonna love you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Well I've always had a deep respect</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I mean that most sincere</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The band is just fantastic</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That is really what I think</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh by the way, which one's pink?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And did we tell you the name of the game, boy</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We call it 'riding the gravy train </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Sirius sings along and leans into Remus’ arms, while James looks on fondly. They continue to pass the cigarette between each other and sing as loud as they can.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Ok, Ok! It’s good, really good.” He smiles at them and Peter takes the chance to take his queen.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Checkmate!” He cries and James looks forlorn.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“How do you do that? Every time.” Peter smirks as he clears out the damage of the chess match.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Your first mistake is underestimating me, your second mistake is always getting distracted.” James pouts and plucks the half-smoked cigarette from Sirius’ hand.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Whatever, the whole world isn’t chess.” Peter rolls his eyes but smiles at them anyway.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Who cares about chess when Pink Floyd is real?” Remus pecks him on the lips and pulls his head onto his lap, he starts to card through his thick locks.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We all care very much about Pink Floyd.” Sirius huffs and closes his eyes as Remus brushes through his hair.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You like them, right Moony?” He opens his eyes again and meets Remus’ golden irises, he smiles.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Of course I do, Padfoot.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Life is like chess, and we’re all fucking pawns. He opens his mouth to answer Remus but Nymphadora throws open the door, out of breath.</p><p>“Harry, and his friends. In the department of mysteries. Death Eaters on their way.” She Disapparates with a crack and leaves them shocked. Sirius moves to get up but Remus pushes him back down on the bed with a strong hand.</p><p>“Absolutely not! You will not leave this room!” Sirius shrinks back from his loud voice, and he burrows deeper into himself. Harry’s in danger and he’s supposed to sit in his room with his thumbs up his ass.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Remus’ eyebrows furrow but before he can speak Sirius draws his wand.</p><p>“Incarcarous!” Thin ropes shoot out from his wand and wrap around Remus, rendering him immobile.</p><p>“Sirius, please don’t do this! Stay here, stay safe.” He ignores the pleading look in his eyes and Apparates to the department of mysteries.</p><p> </p><p>There’s fighting all around him, he can hardly make sense of anyone’s faces, much less the bad or good guys. He knows Remus will show up soon, and he knows he’ll be furious. But he can’t think of Remus right now, he has to think of Harry, Harry who is in danger, Harry who is fighting Bellatrix Lestrange. </p><p>“Back the fuck off!” He fires a spell that narrowly misses her head. She giggles maniacally and fires back a multitude of curses, he only just dodges in time. </p><p>Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees James launch Lucius across the room.</p><p>“Nice one, James!” He laughs as the fighting around them fades to nothing as he lets the adrenaline course through his veins, bringing him new life, a new purpose. </p><p>“Come on! You can do better than that!” Her eyes light up with fury as he dodges spell after spell, and she takes hit after hit. He laughs as they battle, he finally feels alive again. A jet of red light hits him squarely in the chest. The laughter had not quite died from his face, but his eyes widened in shock. It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall. His body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backward through the ragged veil hanging from the arch…</p><p> </p><p>Sirius opens his eyes and he sees his mother and father sitting across from him at the dinner table.</p><p>“Don’t slouch.” He automatically straightens his posture and squares his shoulders.</p><p>“What’s the matter dear, is the food not to your liking?” He looks down to his plate, at the red meat that’s bleeding out on the porcelain.</p><p>“It’s just meat.” He turns to his brother, who's in the process of cutting the meat into little chunks.</p><p>“You’re skin and bones, eat your dinner.” His father slams his fist down on the table and it finally sure Sirius into action. He cuts the meat into little chunks and carefully puts one into his mouth, chewing slowly. His mouth fills with the taste of iron and he has to cover his mouth with his hand to keep himself from puking. His parents and brother seem indifferent to the taste of the blood, to the cruelty that befell the meat before it came to these plates. He can’t remember how he ever could stomach the putrid stuff, how he could consume something that was once so full of life, but now was nothing but a slab of dead meat. He continues to put the meat in his mouth, and he swallows the chunks whole to avoid some of the guilt, it doesn't help much.</p><p>“It’s just meat, what’s your problem?” He looks to the centre of the table where Remus is laying face up, no life left in his eyes. Sirius is too in shock to have any sort of reaction, he just stares. His eyes are no longer the vibrant honey they once were, but milky with cataracts. His scars stand out so vividly against his grey skin. Sirius wants to reach out and run his fingers along the puckers, but he’s scared of how cold the skin will be against his fingers. There’s a chunk missing from his stomach, ragged edges show that no care was taken in extracting their dinner.</p><p>“Half-breeds like him don’t deserve magic. He should be honoured that we’re dinning him.” He wants to be sick, but his body isn’t reacting to his commands. Regulus is looking at him funny, his head tilted to the side.</p><p>“I thought you wanted this?” He wanted to consume Remus, he wished to absorb him so they would never be without the other. But not like this, not in this barbaric way. He wanted to honour Remus like he deserved to be honoured. This isn’t honour, this is a disgrace. </p><p>“You’re dead,” Sirius swears he could remember reading a letter Regulus wrote to him, about him being dead. But that can’t be right, because Regulus is only sixteen, sitting down next to him. But that’s not right either, Regulus was eighteen when he died. And his parent died shortly after Regulus.</p><p>“Is this real? Or is it all happening inside my head.” Regulus chuckles and puts down his silverware.</p><p>“Of course it’s happening inside your head, why should that mean it’s not real?” His parents have disappeared and so has the wrecked body of Remus, it’s just the two of them.</p><p>“You’re dead.” Regulus nods.</p><p>“Am I dead?” Where’s Remus? Is he ok, does he know?</p><p> “Not quite.” How can you be not quite dead? Maybe he’s in some sort of limbo.</p><p>“What’s that supposed to mean?” Regulus smiles a sad sort of smile.</p><p>“Father’s experiments seem to have given you the ability to surpass death.” Only gods can surpass death, and he is no God. </p><p>“He fancied he could play God. Too bad he wasted it on his fuck up of a son.” Regulus would still be here, but at what cost? Sirius would have had to watch his father experiment on his baby brother, no, it’s better that it was him.</p><p>“Am I not a God?” Regulus laughs and so does Sirius, it’s nice to see him, talk to him, one last time.</p><p>“You should go back.” Sirius looks around at the night sky, his star the brightest.</p><p>“How?” He’s standing in the sky, everything around him is sky, he doesn’t really want to leave.</p><p>“Like this.” Regulus pushes him and he falls backwards, and he keeps falling.</p><p> </p><p>He falls out the other side of the veil. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Saint Bernard sits at the top of the driveway</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You always said how you loved dogs</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I don't know if I count</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But I'm trying my best</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When I'm howling and barking these songs</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Grief: Harry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A lot of this chapter is taken form the books. I've changed some of the things so please don't just skip this chapter.</p><p>(I, in no way, support the disgusting views of J.K Rowling.)</p><p>Remus' perspective will be next.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Only one couple was still battling, apparently unaware of the new arrival. Harry saw Sirius duck Bellatrix's jet of red light: He was laughing at her. "Come on, you can do better than that!" he yelled, his voice echoing around the cavernous room. The second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest. The laughter had not quite died from his face, but his eyes widened in shock. Harry released Neville, though he was unaware of doing so. He was jumping down the steps again, pulling out his wand, as Dumbledore turned to the dais too. It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall. His body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backward through the ragged veil hanging from the arch. And Harry saw the look of mingled fear and surprise on his godfather's wasted, once-handsome face as he fell through the ancient doorway and disappeared behind the veil, which fluttered for a moment as though in a high wind and then fell back into place. Harry heard Bellatrix Lestrange's triumphant scream, but knew it meant nothing -- Sirius had only just fallen through the archway, he would reappear from the other side any second. But Sirius did not reappear.</p><p>“SIRIUS!” Harry yelled, </p><p>“SIRIUS!” He had reached the floor, his breath coming in searing gasps. Sirius must be just behind the curtain, he, Harry, would pull him back out again. But as he reached the ground and sprinted toward the dais, Lupin grabbed Harry around the chest, holding him back.</p><p>“There's nothing you can do, Harry.”</p><p>“Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!”</p><p>“It's too late, Harry.”</p><p>“We can still reach him” Harry struggled hard and viciously, but Lupin would not let go...</p><p>“There's nothing you can do, Harry... nothing... He's gone.” He hasn’t gone!’ Harry yelled.</p><p>He did not believe it; he would not believe it; still, he fought Lupin with every bit of strength he had. Lupin did not understand; people hid behind that curtain; Harry had heard them whispering the first time he had entered the room. Sirius was hiding, simply lurking out of sight –</p><p>“SIRIUS!” he bellowed. “SIRIUS!”</p><p>“He can’t come back, Harry,’ said Lupin, his voice breaking as he struggled to contain Harry. “He can’t come back, because he’s d––”</p><p>“HE – IS – NOT – DEAD!” roared Harry. </p><p>“SIRIUS!”</p><p>There was movement going on around them, pointless bustling, the flashes of more spells. To Harry it was meaningless noise, the deflected curses flying past them did not matter, nothing mattered except that Lupin should stop pretending that Sirius – who was standing feet from them behind that old curtain – was not going to emerge at any moment, shaking back his dark hair and eager to re-enter the battle. Lupin dragged Harry away from the dais. Harry, still staring at the archway, was angry at Sirius now for keeping him waiting. But some part of him realized, even as he fought to break free from Lupin, that Sirius had never kept him waiting before … Sirius had risked everything, always, to see Harry, to help him … if Sirius was not reappearing out of that archway when Harry was yelling for him as though his life depended on it, the only possible explanation was that he could not come back … that he really was—</p><p>Phineas Nigellus gave a long yawn, stretching his arms as he watched Harry with shrewd, narrow eyes. Harry looked back at him, suspicious.</p><p>“And what brings you here in the early hours of the morning?” said Phineas eventually. </p><p>“This office is supposed to be barred to all but the rightful Headmaster. Or has Dumbledore sent you here? Oh, don’t tell me …” He gave another shuddering yawn. </p><p>“Another message for my worthless great-great-grandson?” Harry could not speak. Phineas Nigellus did not know that Sirius was dead, but Harry could not tell him. To say it aloud would be to make it final, absolute, irretrievable.</p><p>A few more of the portraits had stirred now. Terror of being interrogated made Harry stride across the room and seize the doorknob. It would not turn. He was shut-in.</p><p>“I hope this means,” said the corpulent, red-nosed wizard who hung on the wall behind the Headmaster’s desk, </p><p>“That Dumbledore will soon be back among us?” Harry turned. The wizard was eyeing him with great interest. Harry nodded. He tugged again on the doorknob behind his back, but it remained immovable. He wanted to leave but the bloody doorknob stayed firmly in place.</p><p>“Oh good,” said the wizard. </p><p>“It has been very dull without him, very dull indeed.”</p><p>He settled himself on the throne-like chair on which he had been painted and smiled benignly upon Harry.</p><p>“Dumbledore thinks very highly of you, as I am sure you know,” he said comfortably. </p><p>“Oh yes. Holds you in great esteem.”</p><p>The guilt filling the whole of Harry’s chest like some monstrous, weighty parasite, now writhed and squirmed. Harry could not stand this, he could not stand being himself any more … he had never felt more trapped inside his own head and body, never wished so intensely that he could be somebody, anybody, else. The empty fireplace burst into emerald green flame, making Harry leap away from the door, staring at the man spinning inside the grate. As Dumbledore’s tall form unfolded itself from the fire, the wizards and witches on the surrounding walls jerked awake, many of them giving cries of welcome.</p><p>“Thank you,” said Dumbledore softly. He did not look at Harry at first, but walked over to the perch beside the door and withdrew, from an inside pocket of his robes, the tiny, ugly, featherless Fawkes, whom he placed gently on the tray of soft ashes beneath the golden post where the full-grown Fawkes usually stood.</p><p>“Well, Harry,” said Dumbledore, finally turning away from the bird, </p><p>You will be pleased to hear that none of your fellow students are going to suffer lasting damage from the night’s events.” Harry tried to say, ‘Good,’ but no sound came out. It seemed to him that Dumbledore was reminding him of the amount of damage he had caused, and although Dumbledore was for once looking at him directly, and although his expression was kindly rather than accusatory, Harry could not bear to meet his eyes.</p><p>“Madam Pomfrey is patching everybody up,” said Dumbledore. </p><p>“Nymphadora Tonks may need to spend a little time in St Mungo’s, but it seems she will make a full recovery.” Harry contented himself with nodding at the carpet, which was growing lighter as the sky outside grew paler. He was sure all the portraits around the room were listening eagerly to every word Dumbledore spoke, wondering where Dumbledore and Harry had been, and why there had been injuries.</p><p>“I know how you’re feeling, Harry,” said Dumbledore very quietly.</p><p>“No, you don’t,” said Harry, and his voice was suddenly loud and strong; white-hot anger leapt inside him; Dumbledore knew nothing about his feelings.</p><p>‘You see, Dumbledore?’ said Phineas Nigellus slyly. </p><p>“Never try to understand the students. They hate it. They would much rather be tragically misunderstood, wallow in self-pity, stew in their own –”</p><p>“That’s enough, Phineas,” said Dumbledore.</p><p>Harry turned his back on Dumbledore and stared determinedly out of the window. He could see the Quidditch stadium in the distance. Sirius had appeared there once, disguised as the shaggy black dog, so he could watch Harry play … he had probably come to see whether Harry was as good as James had been … Harry had never asked him …</p><p>“There is no shame in what you are feeling, Harry,” said Dumbledore’s voice. </p><p>“On the contrary … the fact that you can feel pain like this is your greatest strength.” Harry felt the white-hot anger lick his insides, blazing in the terrible emptiness, filling him with the desire to hurt Dumbledore for his calmness and his empty words.</p><p>“My greatest strength, is it?” said Harry, his voice shaking as he stared out at the Quidditch stadium, no longer seeing it. </p><p>“You haven’t got a clue … you don’t know …”</p><p>“What don’t I know?” asked Dumbledore calmly. It was too much. Harry turned around, shaking with rage. How could the man remain so calm while Sirius is dead?</p><p>“I don’t want to talk about how I feel, all right?”</p><p>“Harry, suffering like this proves you are still a man! This pain is part of being human –”</p><p>‘THEN – I – DON’T – WANT – TO – BE – HUMAN!’ Harry roared, and he seized the delicate silver instrument from the spindle-legged table beside him and flung it across the room; it shattered into a hundred tiny pieces against the wall. Several of the pictures let out yells of anger and fright, and the portrait of Armando Dippet said, </p><p>“Really!”</p><p>‘I DON’T CARE!’ Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. </p><p>“I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANY MORE –” He seized the table on which the silver instrument had stood and threw that, too. It broke apart on the floor and the legs rolled in different directions.</p><p>“You do care,” said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry from demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. It made Harry even angrier.</p><p>“You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”</p><p>‘I – DON’T!’ Harry screamed, so loudly that he felt his throat might tear, and for a second he wanted to rush at Dumbledore and break him, too; shatter that calm old face, shake him, hurt him, make him feel some tiny part of the horror inside himself.</p><p>“Oh, yes, you do,” said Dumbledore, still more calmly. </p><p>“You have now lost your mother, your father, and the closest thing to a parent you have ever known. Of course, you care.”</p><p>‘YOU DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL!’ Harry roared. </p><p>“YOU – STANDING THERE – YOU –”</p><p>But words were no longer enough, smashing things was no more help; he wanted to run, he wanted to keep running and never look back, he wanted to be somewhere he could not see the clear blue eyes staring at him, that hatefully calm old face. He ran to the door, seized the doorknob again and wrenched at it. But the door would not open. Harry turned back to Dumbledore.</p><p>“Let me out,” he said. He was shaking from head to foot.</p><p>“No,” said Dumbledore simply. For a few seconds, they stared at each other.</p><p>"Let me out,” Harry said again.</p><p>“No,” Dumbledore repeated.</p><p>“If you don’t – if you keep me in here – if you don’t let me –” He didn’t know how to finish the sentence, but Dumbledore interrupted him anyway.</p><p>“By all means continue destroying my possessions,” said Dumbledore serenely. </p><p>“I daresay I have too many.” He walked around his desk and sat down behind it, watching Harry. The burning rage inside him roared even brighter.</p><p>“Let me out,” Harry said yet again, in a voice that was cold and almost as calm as Dumbledores.</p><p>“Not until I have had my say,” said Dumbledore.</p><p>“Do you – do you think I want to – do you think I give a – I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU’VE GOT TO SAY!” Harry roared. He was breathing raggedly, his chest heaving with the effort</p><p>“I don’t want to hear anything you’ve got to say!”</p><p>“You will,” said Dumbledore steadily. Harry was very sure that he did not want to hear anything Dumbledore had to say.</p><p>“Because you are not nearly as angry with me as you ought to be. If you are to attack me, as I know you are close to doing, I would like to have thoroughly earned it.” Harry stopped for a moment and looked to Dumbledore.</p><p>“What are you talking –?”</p><p>“It is my fault that Sirius died,’ said Dumbledore clearly. All the will left him at the mention of his Godfather.</p><p>“Or should I say, almost entirely my fault – I will not be so arrogant as to claim responsibility for the whole. Sirius was a brave, clever and energetic man, and such men are not usually content to sit at home in hiding while they believe others to be in danger. Nevertheless, you should never have believed for an instant that there was any necessity for you to go to the Department of Mysteries tonight. If I had been open with you, Harry, as I should have been, you would have known a long time ago that Voldemort might try and lure you to the Department of Mysteries, and you would never have been tricked into going there tonight. And Sirius would not have had to come after you. That blame lies with me, and with me alone.” He could feel the wetness of tears running down his face, and soaking his collar. He so desperately wished that he could go back in time and stop this all from happening. He could hear what Dumbledore was saying, but he couldn’t believe it. If he had been able to differentiate between his thoughts and Voldemort's Sirius wouldn’t have had to come to save him, Sirius would still be alive.</p><p>“I owe you an explanation, Harry.” The light of the morning sun reflects off Dumbledore’s half-moon spectacles.</p><p>“I guessed fifteen years ago when I saw that scar. About the connection between you and Voldemort. You both are intertwined.” Harry fights the urge to roll his eyes.</p><p>“You’ve told me this before.” He doesn’t care about being rude to Dumbledore, to be honest, he doesn’t care about much anymore.</p><p>“Yes,” said Dumbledore apologetically. </p><p>“Yes, but you see – it is necessary to start with your scar. For it became apparent, shortly after you rejoined the magical world, that I was correct, and that your scar was giving you warnings when Voldemort was close to you, or else feeling powerful emotion.”</p><p>“I know,” said Harry wearily.</p><p>“And this ability of yours – to detect Voldemort’s presence, even when he is disguised, and to know what he is feeling when his emotions are roused – has become more and more pronounced since Voldemort returned to his own body and his full powers.”</p><p>Harry did not bother to nod. He knew all of this already.</p><p>“More recently,” said Dumbledore, </p><p>“I became concerned that Voldemort might realize that this connection between you exists. Sure enough, there came a time when you entered so far into his mind and thoughts that he sensed your presence. I am speaking, of course, of the night when you witnessed the attack on Mr. Weasley.”</p><p>“Yeah, Snape told me,” Harry muttered.</p><p>“<em>Professor</em> Snape, Harry,’ Dumbledore corrected him quietly. </p><p>“But did you not wonder why it was not I who explained this to you? Why I did not teach you Occlumency? Why I had not so much as looked at you for months?”</p><p>Harry looked up. He could see now that Dumbledore looked sad and tired.</p><p>“Yeah,” Harry mumbled. </p><p>“Yeah, I wondered.”</p><p>"You see,” Dumbledore continued, </p><p>“I believed it could not be long before Voldemort attempted to force his way into your mind, to manipulate and misdirect your thoughts, and I was not eager to give him more incentives to do so. I was sure that if he realized that our relationship was – or had ever been – closer than that of headmaster and pupil, he would seize his chance to use you as a means to spy on me. I feared the uses to which he would put you, the possibility that he might try and possess you. Harry, I believe I was right to think that Voldemort would have made use of you in such a way. On those rare occasions when we had close contact, I thought I saw a shadow of him stir behind your eyes.” He had gone to Sirius -which now felt like years ago- about worries that he was becoming like Voldemort, and now Dumbledore had just confirmed it. He was just like the man that killed his parents, and Sirius was wrong. Sirius must’ve seen some good in him, but now he was dead. </p><p>“Voldemort’s aim in possessing you, as he demonstrated tonight, would not have been my destruction. It would have been yours. He hoped, when he possessed you briefly a short while ago, that I would sacrifice you in the hope of killing him. So you see, I have been trying, in distancing myself from you, to protect you, Harry. An old man’s mistake …”</p><p>He sighed deeply. Harry was letting the words wash over him. He would have been so interested to know all this a few months ago, but now it was meaningless compared to the gaping chasm inside him that was the loss of Sirius; none of it mattered …</p><p>“Sirius told me you felt Voldemort awake inside you the very night that you had the vision of Arthur Weasley’s attack. I knew at once that my worst fears were correct: Voldemort had realized he could use you. In an attempt to arm you against Voldemort’s assaults on your mind, I arranged Occlumency lessons with Professor Snape.”</p><p>He paused. Harry watched the sunlight, which was sliding slowly across the polished surface of Dumbledore’s desk, illuminate a silver inkpot and a handsome scarlet quill. Harry could tell that the portraits all around them were awake and listening raptly to Dumbledore’s explanation; he could hear the occasional rustle of robes, the slight clearing of a throat. Phineas Nigellus had still not returned …</p><p>“Professor Snape discovered,” Dumbledore resumed, </p><p>“that you had been dreaming about the door to the Department of Mysteries for months. Voldemort, of course, had been obsessed with the possibility of hearing the prophecy ever since he regained his body; and as he dwelled on the door, so did you, though you did not know what it meant.”</p><p>"And then you saw Rookwood, who worked in the Department of Mysteries before his arrest, telling Voldemort what we had known all along – that the prophecies held in the Ministry of Magic are heavily protected. Only the people to whom they refer can lift them from the shelves without suffering madness: in this case, either Voldemort himself would have to enter the Ministry of Magic, and risk revealing himself at last – or else you would have to take it for him. It became a matter of even greater urgency that you should master Occlumency.”</p><p>“But I didn’t,” muttered Harry. He said it aloud to try and ease the dead weight of guilt inside him: a confession must surely relieve some of the terrible pressure squeezing his heart. </p><p>“I didn’t practise, I didn’t bother, I could’ve stopped myself having those dreams, Hermione kept telling me to do it if I had he’d never have been able to show me where to go, and – Sirius wouldn’t – Sirius wouldn’t -”</p><p>Something was erupting inside Harry’s head: a need to justify himself, to explain –</p><p>“I tried to check he’d really taken Sirius, I went to Umbridge’s office, I spoke to Kreacher in the fire and he said Sirius wasn’t there, he said he’d gone!” His breathing had picked up again and Dumbledore hands him a glass of water, he gulps it down greedily. Dumbledore takes this moment of silence to speak.</p><p>“Kreacher lied,” Dumbledore says calmly.</p><p>“You are not his master, he could lie to you without even needing to punish himself.” </p><p>“He wanted me to go there?” He never liked Kreacher, never trusted him with the way he talked about his friends. But to betray Sirius? Harry could kill the house elf.</p><p>“I’m afraid you are mistaken, It is no secret that Kreacher does not like you.” Doesn’t like any of us, Harry wanted to add, but he smartly kept his mouth shut.</p><p>“He never intended for it to turn out this way, he just wanted you far away from his master.” Harry’s mind stutters around the idea.</p><p>“I don’t — that just, doesn’t make sense.” When Harry had stayed with Sirius, the only thing Kreacher seemed to do was mutter insults at him.</p><p>“It appears that Kreacher has grown rather fond of Sirius, in their months spent together.” Harry still couldn’t understand. By Kreacher telling him that Sirius wasn’t home, that led to him going to the ministry which in turn resulted in Sirius’ death.</p><p>“I don’t understand, Headmaster.” Dumbledore sighs and snaps his fingers. There’s a loud crack and Kreacher has appeared beside him.</p><p>“Kreacher, please explain.” The wizened house-elf looks up at Harry and harshly pulls at his fingers.</p><p>“Kreacher never wanted Master Sirius to die, Kreacher just wanted what was best for him.” Kreacher now sneers up at Harry.</p><p>“Harry Potter is bad for Master Sirius, master Sirius worried himself to the grave. It is Harry Potter’s fault that master Sirius is dead.” Dumbledore holds out a hand and Kreacher finally stops talking.</p><p>“As you see, Kreacher here only wanted to protect Sirius.” Protect him? </p><p>“He didn’t protect him, HE SENT HIM TO DIE!” Harry yells, and Kreacher steps back in fear.</p><p>“Harry, you must calm down.” Harry laughs an almost manic laugh.</p><p>“Calm down? You want me to calm down! Sirius is dead, and it’s his fault, it’s your fault, it’s Snape’s fault and it’s my fault!” Dumbledore looks confused now.</p><p>“Please do explain to me how it’s <em>Professor</em> Snape’s fault. Kreacher you will return to Grimmauld Place.” The elf disappears with a crack as Harry tries to reign in his breathing.</p><p>“What about Snape?” Harry spat. </p><p>"You’re not talking about him, are you? When I told him Voldemort had Sirius he just sneered at me as usual –”</p><p>“Harry, you know Professor Snape had no choice but to pretend not to take you seriously in front of Dolores Umbridge,” said Dumbledore steadily, </p><p>“But as I have explained, he informed the Order as soon as possible about what you had said. It was he who deduced where you had gone when you did not return from the Forest. It was he, too, who gave Professor Umbridge fake Veritaserum when she was attempting to force you to tell her Sirius’s whereabouts.”</p><p>Harry disregarded this; he felt a savage pleasure in blaming Snape, it seemed to be easing his own sense of dreadful guilt, and he wanted to hear Dumbledore agree with him.</p><p>“Snape – Snape g – goaded Sirius about staying in the house – he made out Sirius was a coward –” It was plain as day how much Snape hated Sirius.</p><p>“Sirius was much too old and clever to have allowed such feeble taunts to hurt him,” said Dumbledore. All Snape did was rib on him about how useless he was, and how lucky he was to be sitting at home while everyone was risking their lives.</p><p>“Snape stopped giving me Occlumency lessons!” Harry snarled. </p><p>“He threw me out of his office!” He desperately hoped that Dumbledore would just agree with him, to blame Snape. Because he couldn’t handle the thought of it being all his own fault.</p><p>“I am aware of it,” said Dumbledore heavily. </p><p>“I have already said that it was a mistake for me not to teach you myself, though I was sure, at the time, that nothing could have been more dangerous than to open your mind even further to Voldemort while in my presence –”</p><p>"Snape made it worse, my scar always hurt worse after lessons with him –” Harry remembered Ron’s thoughts on the subject and plunged on </p><p>“– how do you know he wasn’t trying to soften me up for Voldemort, make it easier for him to get inside my –”</p><p>“I trust Severus Snape,” said Dumbledore simply. </p><p>“But I forgot – another old man’s mistake – that some wounds run too deep for the healing. I thought Professor Snape could overcome his feelings about your father – I was wrong.”</p><p>“But that’s OK, is it?” yelled Harry, ignoring the scandalized faces and disapproving mutterings of the portraits on the walls. </p><p>“It’s OK for Snape to hate my dad, and it’s ok for you to keep Sirius locked up?” Sirius always said how much he had hated that house, how much he wished he could leave. Turning his back on Dumbledore and walking away. The sun was bright inside the room now and the eyes of all the portraits followed him as he walked, without realizing what he was doing, without seeing the office at all. </p><p>“You made him stay shut up in that house and he hated it, that’s why he wanted to get out last night –”</p><p>“I was trying to keep Sirius alive," said Dumbledore quietly.</p><p>“You were killing him! People don’t like being locked up!” Harry said furiously, rounding on him. </p><p>“You did it to me all last summer –” Dumbledore closed his eyes and buried his face in his long-fingered hands. Harry watched him, but this uncharacteristic sign of exhaustion, or sadness, or whatever it was from Dumbledore, did not soften him. On the contrary, he felt even angrier that Dumbledore was showing signs of weakness. He had no business being weak when Harry wanted to rage and storm at him. But the Headmaster just stood stoic, a higher knowledge glinting in his blue eyes.</p><p>“There is a room in the Department of Mysteries,” said Dumbledore, suddenly</p><p>“That is kept locked at all times. It contains a force that is at once more wonderful and more terrible than death, than human intelligence, than the forces of nature. It is also, perhaps, the most mysterious of the many subjects for study that reside there. It is the power held within that room that you possess in such quantities and which Voldemort has not at all. That power took you to save Sirius tonight. That power also saved you from possession by Voldemort, because he could not bear to reside in a body so full of the force he detests. In the end, it mattered not that you could not close your mind. It was your heart that saved you.” Harry closed his eyes. If he had not gone to save Sirius, Sirius would not have died … More to stave off the moment when he would have to think of Sirius again, Harry asked, without caring much about the answer, </p><p>“The end of the prophecy … it was something about … <em>neither can live</em> …”</p><p>“… <em>while the other survives</em>,” said Dumbledore.</p><p>“So,” said Harry, dredging up the words from what felt like a deep well of despair inside him, “So does that mean that … that one of us has got to kill the other one … in the end?” He doesn’t want to have to think of that, of taking someone’s life, even Voldemort’s.</p><p>“Yes,” said Dumbledore. For a long time, neither of them spoke. Somewhere far beyond the office walls, Harry could hear the sound of voices, students heading down to the Great Hall for an early breakfast, perhaps. It seemed impossible that there could be people in the world who still desired food, who laughed, who neither knew nor cared that Sirius Black was gone forever. Sirius seemed a million miles away already; even now a part of Harry still believed that if he had only pulled back that veil, he would have found Sirius looking back at him, greeting him, perhaps, with his laugh like a bark …</p><p>“You may go now.” Harry looked up at him and saw a tear trickling down Dumbledore’s face into his long silver beard. He tried to conjure a smile but it only resulted in a pained grimace, he goes to leave but a thought stops him.</p><p>“Headmaster? What will happen to Grimmauld place?” </p><p>“It’s yours,” Before Harry can ask, Dumbledore continues.</p><p>“Sirius left the house to you. Now go, join your friends.”  </p><p> </p><p>The castle seemed very quiet even for a Sunday. Everybody was clearly out in the sunny grounds, enjoying the end of their exams and the prospect of a last few days of term unhampered by revision or homework. Harry walked slowly along the deserted corridor, peering out of windows as he went; he could see people messing around in the air over the Quidditch pitch and a couple of students swimming in the lake, accompanied by the giant squid. He was finding it hard to decide whether he wanted to be with people or not; whenever he was in company he wanted to get away and whenever he was alone he wanted company. He thought he might really go and visit Hagrid, though, as he had not talked to him properly since he’d returned. Harry had just descended the last marble step into the Entrance Hall when Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle emerged from a door on the right that Harry knew led down to the Slytherin common room. Harry stopped dead; so did Malfoy and the others. The only sounds were the shouts, laughter and splashes drifting into the Hall from the grounds through the open front doors. Malfoy glanced around – Harry knew he was checking for signs of teachers – then he looked back at Harry and said in a low voice, </p><p>“You’re dead, Potter.” Harry raised his eyebrows.</p><p>“Funny,” he said, </p><p>“you’d think I’d have stopped walking around …” He wonders if Sirius would have laughed.</p><p>Malfoy looked angrier than Harry had ever seen him; he felt a kind of detached satisfaction at the sight of his pale, pointed face contorted with rage.</p><p>“You’re going to pay,’ said Malfoy, in a voice barely louder than a whisper. </p><p>“I’m going to make you pay for what you’ve done to my father …”</p><p>‘Well, I’m terrified now,’ said Harry sarcastically. </p><p>“I s’pose Lord Voldemort’s just a warm-up act compared to you three – what’s the matter?” he added, for Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle had all looked stricken at the sound of the name. </p><p>“He’s a mate of your dad, isn’t he? Not scared of him, are you?"</p><p>“You think you’re such a big man, Potter,” said Malfoy, advancing now, Crabbe and Goyle flanking him. </p><p>“You wait. I’ll have you. You can’t land my father in prison –”</p><p>“I thought I just had,” said Harry. He just wished this conversation would end already, he just wanted to get out of this castle, maybe even go back to the Dursley’s. Because then he could be without magic, without any thoughts of the magical world.</p><p>“The Dementors have left Azkaban,” said Malfoy quietly. </p><p>“Dad and the others’ll be out in no time …”</p><p>‘Yeah, I expect they will,’ said Harry. </p><p>"Still, at least everyone knows what scumbags they are now –”</p><p>Malfoy’s hand flew towards his wand, but Harry was too quick for him; he had drawn his own wand before Malfoy’s fingers had even entered the pocket of his robes. He should curse him, maybe tie him up and hang him by his toes. Or maybe he could shrink his head, and watch him run around confused.</p><p>“Potter! Malfoy!” Crabbe and Goyle have fled leaving Draco and him to the wrath of whatever professor stumbled upon them.</p><p>“Put your wands away, now.” Harry begrudgingly pockets his wand as Malfoy does the same. They both turn towards professor McGonagal, whose face is pinched either in pain, or disappointment. Harry thinks it might be a bit of both.</p><p>“You have three days left of Term, please try and behave for once in your life.” She turns to Malfoy.</p><p>“Fifty points from Slytherin. Now back to your common room.” Malfoy doesn’t protest, just give them both a nasty look as he leaves.</p><p>“Potter, I know it’s been hard for you, and I’m very sorry for your loss.” She regards him with an uncharacteristically soft expression.</p><p>“It pains me greatly to say that Sirius is gone, you mustn’t mention this to anyone else, but I cared deeply for him.” It sort of relieves some of the sadness to know that someone is suffering as half as he is.</p><p>“Go to your friends, and hold them close. And please, be safe.” She gives him another tender look and then disappears down the corridor. Maybe he could perform a memory charm on himself, to forget Sirius ever existed. But no, he didn’t want to forget Sirius, he just wanted him back.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I don't wanna beg your pardon</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I don't wanna ask you why</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But if I was to go my own way</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Would I have to pass you by?</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Grief: 1996</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest. The laughter had not quite died from his face, but his eyes widened in shock. It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall. His body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backward through the ragged veil hanging from the arch. Without processing what had just happened Remus grabs Harry by the chest as he charges forward.</p><p>“There's nothing you can do, Harry.” Harry looked at him, stricken. But there was nothing they could do now.</p><p>“Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!” Tears were streaming down Harry’s face, and Remus wished he could brush them away along with his worries.</p><p>“It's too late, Harry.” He kept a strong hold on Harry’s body as he struggled to get to the archway.</p><p>“We can still reach him” Harry struggled hard and viciously, but Remus would not let go.</p><p>“There's nothing you can do, Harry... nothing... He's gone.” Every word pained him to speak, he didn’t want to believe it. Only an hour ago he was helping Sirius take his medicine, and they were talking about records.</p><p>“He hasn’t gone!’ Harry yelled. It hurt him so much to see Harry in this much pain.</p><p>“SIRIUS!” he bellowed. </p><p>“SIRIUS!” He had to be strong, for Harry.</p><p>“He can’t come back, Harry,” Remus said, his voice breaking as he struggled to contain Harry. “He can’t come back, because he’s d––” Dead. Sirius was dead when a minute ago he was alive.</p><p>“HE – IS – NOT – DEAD!” roared Harry. </p><p>“SIRIUS!” He grabs Harry away from the Dias, the boy’s gone limp but Remus doesn’t relent his hold. Bellatrix laughs and Harry reignites with new purpose, it’s far too close to the moon and Remus is much too weak to keep holding him back.</p><p>“I killed Sirius Black! I killed Sirius Black!” She taunts and Harry tears after her, she smiles as she runs away from him. Remus watches their retreating forms for a bit, before turning back to the scene of the battle. Dora’s limp form is being held up by Kingsley Shacklebolt, Remus can’t find it in himself to be worried about her. Dumbledore has seemed to disappear just as fast as he appeared, and Remus continues to look around. He looks at the veil, he hears the whispering voices, and if he listens close enough, he can almost hear Sirius. He wonders what would have happened if Harry wasn’t there, maybe he would have run in after him.</p><p>“Go home, Lupin. We’ve got it from here.” Kingsley’s deep voice breaks him out of his thoughts and he finally turns away from the arch. Home? What was home now, if Sirius was nowhere to be found. He Apparates back to Grimmauld Place and sits heavily on the sofa.</p><p> </p><p>He had been so angry with Sirius when he’d run from the house. And then he had been devastated as he watched Sirius fall through the veil. Sometimes he still thinks he can still see the ghost of him wandering the halls of his childhood home, but that’s just wishful thinking. On the third night after Sirius died, Remus moved all his things into his childhood bedroom. He wanted to be as close to him as possible, but the first night he laid down in the bed he’d burst into tears. The next day he went all the way up to the fourth floor and took up one of the empty bedrooms. Dora was still at St. Mungo’s and the order members seemed to have taken a break. No-one stopped by the house except for Molly Weasley to drop off some prepared meals. Each night he’d take on out, heat it up, and stare at it until it grew cold. He would place it back in the fridge and tell himself that tomorrow would be different. It never was, and all the days felt the same. Though today had turned out a bit differently, he’d discovered a boggart hiding under his bed.</p><p>“Remus?” The voice was unmistakably Sirius’ and Remus felt a semblance of hope. Maybe this had just been a horrible nightmare, and he would wake up with Sirius curled up next to him. But this Sirius in front of him was not the Sirius he knew. This Sirius had a gaping bite wound contorting his left shoulder.</p><p>“Remus, it hurts.” He stumbles to the floor and crawls toward his friend.</p><p>“You hurt me, Remus. Why did you hurt me?” Remus reaches out and Sirius grasps his Han, it’s cold, like death.</p><p>“I didn’t mean to.” The wound oozes blood and it drips onto the floor, staining the dark wood.</p><p>“But you did. You always wanted me to be just like you, right? If we were both monsters we could be together.” He should get rid of this, he should stop this before it goes any further. But to have Sirius here, even if it is a twisted version from deep in his conscious. Sirius crawls full out from under the bed and situates himself on an old wooden chair.</p><p>“You look pathetic.” He supposes he does, kneeling on the floor trying to make conversation with a boggart.</p><p>“You’re not scared of me?” Remus shakes his head no, he could never be scared of Sirius. The boggart disappears with a flash and Remus is left alone again, kneeling on the floor. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“I can’t trust you if you don’t tell me where you’re going on these missions.” Sirius’s arms are crossed and his face is red from crying.</em>
</p><p><em>“I </em>can’t<em> tell you,” Dumbledore swore him to secrecy, and Remus isn’t so sure he wants Sirius to know where he’s been.</em></p><p>
  <em>“Well, then I can’t trust you.” And it’s not like Remus can trust him either, most nights Sirius doesn’t even come home.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Alright.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Alright!” They stand facing each other, Sirius’ voice wet with tears. He wished they could return to their Hogwarts days, where the real world was so far away when they were safe behind the castle walls.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Do you love me?” It’s Sirius that finally breaks the silence stretching between them, and it catches Remus off guard. Of course, he loves Sirius, but it’s not that easy of an answer. When he doesn’t respond right away a glass nearby shatters.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yes.” He knows it sounds unconvincing, like a lie, but it’s so much more than just ‘I love you’. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Then why can’t you be honest?” Remus can’t help but roll his eyes, he is not the only secret keeper in this relationship.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Are you going, to be honest?” He retorts, and it almost makes him glad to see the regret flash across his face, almost. The most prominent feeling is hurt, it hurts him so much to fight with Sirius.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You can stay.” He snaps out of his thoughts and gives Sirius a quizzical look.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What?” He asks. Sirius just puts his head In his hands and leans heavily against the dirty counter.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m leaving, I can’t stay here, not with you. You can keep everything, I don’t care.” He stays rooted in place as Sirius fills a rucksack with some books and clothes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You don’t have anywhere to go.” Remus tries to reason, deep in his heart, he can’t let Sirius leave. Sirius has been his everything for the past 7 years, he can’t just let him walk away in two minutes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t care Remus! I just can’t fucking stay here!” He throws the bag on his shoulder and turns around, stopping as his hand rests on the doorknob.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s over.” And then he is gone. Just like that, Sirius Black is gone from his life. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He jerks out of the memory like a bucket of ice water has been thrown on him. The room is dark around him, but he can see the early morning light peeking through the heavy curtains. For a moment he expects to hear the soft breathing of Sirius next to him, and if he reached out his hand he could run his fingers through the soft hair. But Sirius is gone, but this time it’s forever. At least when he was in Azkaban Remus knew he was alive - as alive as he could be in a place like that - but now, he was just a memory. Maybe this would have been easier if Sirius had been happy. But he wasn’t happy, not since Hogwarts. Even when he was living in Grimmauld Place, he was just a ghost of the man Remus once loved. He wonders how Harry is feeling, Remus knew he regarded Sirius as a second father. Was he feeling guilty? Remus hates to admit it, but it was because Harry was in danger that Sirius felt the need to go save him. And it was Harry who distracted Sirius in the middle of a dual. But he couldn’t Balme Harry, he’s just a kid. Remus is the adult, Remus didn’t act fast enough when Sirius left the house, Remus didn’t act fast enough when Bellatrix and he were duelling. Remus didn’t act fast enough when Sirius was falling towards the veil.</p><p> </p><p>About ten days after Sirius died, Remus found the portrait room. It was exactly as it sounded, it was a grand room filled with portraits of generations of Black’s. Walburga’s portrait was at the top of the landing on the second floor, but her husband's portrait was in this room. He regarded Remus with a sneer but didn’t say anything to him. Remus looks around the room at all the Black’s and desperately searches for one. He almost mistakes the boy for Sirius, but this son has shorter hair and cold grey eyes. Regulus.</p><p>“Where is my brother?” He doesn’t know. Merlin, he died in 1979, if Remus’ memory serves him right. He probably doesn’t even know about what happened to James and Lily, or the downfall and rising of Voldemort.</p><p>“He’s dead.” The words still hurt, maybe even more now that he’s back in this house without him. Regulus’s mouth turns down and he glances around the room, searching for something.</p><p>“When?” Remus could have told him how many seconds have passed, but he doesn’t.</p><p>“Ten days ago. Bellatrix killed him.” Regulus doesn’t look surprised, maybe he was even expecting to hear those words.</p><p>“I assume you are looking for his painting.” Remus nods and glances around the room again.</p><p>“He is in the attic.” At Remus’ confused expression Regulus explains.</p><p>“After he ran away, mother couldn’t stand to look at him, so she locked him in the attic.” If he hadn’t already tried his tears, Remus would cry. Sirius could never truly be free, could he? Even in his portrait, he was locked in the dark attic in the childhood home he hated. Remus doesn’t bother trying to continue the conversation with Sirius’ younger brother and he rushes out of the room. The attic is at the end of the fourth floor, blocked by a heavy red door. It’s strange, Remus remarks. The house was hues of greens and silver’s and the red door stood out. It was bright, undamaged by passing time, the paint perfectly pristine and untouched. The handle is shockingly cold to the touch and it takes a bit for it to give under his hand. The stairs are a shocking contrast to the door. The paint is peeling and browned, but underneath reveals red. Everything is red, which doesn’t make a lot of sense to him. Why would the Gryffindor colour be so prominent in the predominately Slytherin household? He walks up the steps and grips the fraying banister with shaky hands. Maybe this is a mistake. He shouldn’t be seeking out this painting, it will only give him false hope. This isn’t the real Sirius, just an animated version of him. Before he knows he’s at the top of the steps, facing another red door. There is a plaque at eye level reading <b>PlayRoom</b>. It makes him sick to his stomach. The door swings open before he even reaches out, and he slips inside before his body has time to chicken out. There’s one triangular window in the centre of the room, but it’s caked with dirt and hardly any light can penetrate it. Directly underneath the widow, is the portrait of Sirius. He must’ve only been fifteen when it was painted, his hair is only just past his shoulders and his eyes somehow look younger. He’s wearing high-necked green robes and an array of silver rings. </p><p>“You got old.” His voice startles Remus out of his thoughts.</p><p>“Can’t say the same for you.” The smile falls from his face and he looks down at himself.</p><p>“I kicked it, didn’t I? I’m sorry.” He shouldn’t have to apologize, but it helps to relieve some of the pain.</p><p>“I miss you.” The barrier breaks and the tears start flowing from his eyes, Sirius is shocked for a moment then he reaches out his arm. But the canvas stops him from ever touching Remus.</p><p>“You’re still so beautiful.” His words shock a laugh out of Remus. He probably looks like a right mess right now, snot running down his nosed his eyes red and puffy.</p><p>“Is it really you?” He never really understood how the paintings at Hogwarts worked.</p><p>“I’m just paint and memory. I’m sorry, Remus.” It was what he expected, but it still stings. He shouldn't have gone up here, this was just wishful thinking. </p><p>“Please don’t leave, I’m lonely.” How long has this portrait sat up here in the dark? How long had this Sirius been alone? </p><p>“What’s it like, out there?” He gestures to the window with a heavily jewelled hand.</p><p>“It’s awful.” He doesn’t want to lie to Sirius, not anymore. Sirius is silent for a moment and regards him with sad eyes.</p><p>“Oh Moony, if only you were paint, then I could wrap my arms around you.” It Pais him to see such the obvious difference between this Sirius and his. His Sirius never used fancy words or tried to romance him, his Sirius was scared and untrusting. </p><p>“You haven’t been eating. Why haven’t I been helping you?” How could he explain to this young naive boy that his spirit was crushed from years of torture and neglect? How can he explain the Sirius wasn’t even able to care about himself, much less Remus.</p><p>“I can move you downstairs? Or to your bedroom, if you want?” It mustn’t be comfortable up in this attic. Sirius looks sad again and he refuses to make eye contact.</p><p>“I’m not allowed to leave.” Remus cocks his head to the side, whatever could that mean? The paintings at Hogwarts could freely roam into whatever canvas they pleased, why couldn’t Sirius do the same.</p><p>“Mother says I’m not allowed to leave. She’ll check on me, and if she sees I’m gone.” He shudders at the mere thought of it, and Remus’ heart breaks just a little more. Trapped, always trapped no matter what life he lived.</p><p>“Don’t look so sad, Moony. I’m always ok, aren’t I?” He can no longer stand to look at the young boy, at all that Sirius was, and all that he could no longer be.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I have to go.” He doesn’t miss the hurt expression that passes across his delicate features, but he doesn’t let that stop him. He can’t stay up here and hurt himself like this, his heart can’t take any more pain.</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t return to the attic until too full moons have passed. When he opens the door no cheerful voice greats him. Those grey eyes just stare at him, unmoving, unblinking. Sirius doesn’t greet him, doesn’t do anything actually. The painting just sits there, static, still.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>She sent him scented letters</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And he received them with a strange delight</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Just like</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His wife</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But how she was before the tears</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And how she was before the years flew by</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And how she was when she was beautiful</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She signed the letter</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. 1996: Trying to love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I love and appreciate comments ( but don't feel pressured:) This chapter contains dubious consent discussion and kinda slut shaming. It also gets pretty explicit at the end.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>MASS MURDERER SIRIUS BLACK; INNOCENT?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>It has recently come to light that He Who Must Not Be Named has returned to power, and with that, his allies have shown themselves. Sirius Black, supposed mass murderer and supporter of you know who has been pardoned of all crimes. The ministry has received evidence from Albus Dumbledore himself, and Peter Pettigrew has been discovered to have faked his death. “We offer our deepest condolences to Mr. Black and wish for him to have a great life.” Said Minister Cornelius Fudge, when asked about the ex-convict. It has also been discovered that Sirius Black did not receive a trial, nor was his wand tested for the last spell he used. “At the time he was the only suspect we had, and he didn’t act very innocent. I realize now that it was a grave mistake to not test his wand.” Said Fudge. The Ministry is under fire for their poor judgement and decision making, and rightfully so. It was announced on August 28 1996 that the minister would be resigning. It is announced that Rufus Scrimgeour will be replacing him. Hopefully, he will be able to keep the country and wizardkind safe from you know who and his supporters.</p><p> </p><p>Remus tosses the Daily Prophet into the fire and watches it catch flame. Twelve years in prison and two years on the run, all to be proved innocent <em>after</em> he died. Remus wants to scream and cry, and maybe break something. But he stays sitting and stares into the fire. It’s been a little over three months since Sirius died, and it hasn’t gotten any easier. But he’s learned ways to cope with it, like drinking, and smoking until his lungs feel like they’re charred. Nymphadora has seemed to become a permanent fixture in Grimmauld place since getting out of St. Mungo’s. She was in there for almost a month, she’d been hit with a nasty curse that the healers still didn’t know the name of. At first, her hovering was annoying, but Remus has found himself looking forward to seeing her. She’s let her hair grow out longer and changed it to a deep midnight blue, which makes her light blue eyes stand out. Remus may even go as far as to call her pretty. Remus didn’t have many friends as a kid, and the ones he did have are all dead or traitors, so it’s nice to have someone around who actually enjoys spending time with him, without any ulterior motives. And she was nice to him.</p><p>“Rem, you in here? I’ve made dinner.” She peaks her head around the doorframe and smiles at him, he smiles back.</p><p>“Steak and kidney pie, your favourite.” It had been his favourite, a long time ago. But now most foods tasted like ash and stuck to the crevices of his mouth But he found himself wanting to try for Tonks. So he sits himself down at the dinner table and thanks to her as she serves him a hefty piece.</p><p>“How are you doing?” When he raises an eyebrow she quickly corrects herself.</p><p>“I mean, with starting missions again.” Dumbledore had made the decision to put him on temporary leave after Sirius's death. But apparently, he’s better now, so he can go risk his life for the greater good again.</p><p>“It’s something to do, I guess. It’s better than being here, with all the memories.” It was only when she was released from the healers that she learned Sirius had died, and she hadn’t come out of her bedroom for a week.</p><p>“I get that. Are you ready for our mission tomorrow?” She asks as she takes a bite of her pie. Truthfully Remus really enjoyed spending time with her, so he was looking forward to the mission together. It was just a simple information gathering type thing, but they would have to stay overnight, which meant sleeping together -literally-. </p><p>“Yes, I’m quite looking forward to it.” She beams and it lights up the room, Remus can’t help but smile back at her, genuinely. </p><p>“I’ve got us a room at the Beetroot Inn, check-in is at ten in the morning.” Remus scrunches his nose at the odd name, but the smile stays on his face.</p><p>“Maybe we could go out before that? Explore the town and other things?” She tries to sound nonchalant but Remus can sense that his answer means a lot to her.</p><p>“I would love to.” A lovely pink blush adorned her cheeks and she looks down at her plate bashfully. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The lock turns in the door and Sirius’ head peaks from behind the wood.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re back.” It had been a week since Sirius stormed out and ended things between them. It wasn’t the first time they had a fight or even the first time Sirius had left. But this had been the first time Sirius had declared it was over between them.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Not for long.” He slides through the small crack in the door and Remus gets a full view of his body. Frankly, he looks like utter shite. His hair seems to have gotten longer, but it hangs limp and his curls look greasy. It seems that his face has thinned out even more and his cheekbones look as if they could tear through his paper-white skin. His lips are bitten raw and his eyes are red-rimmed, he’s wearing the same clothes he left in.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Where have you been staying?” Sirius has money, that’s no secret. So there’s no reason he should look the way he does right now.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Here and there.” His eyes frantically glance around the room, seemingly searching for something. It’s as if he hardly even notices Remus’ presence at all. Sirius disappears from the main room into his old bedroom, and there’s the sound of clattering. He comes out a minute later looking less panicked but more dishevelled. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Stay.” It surprises both Sirius and him when the words come out of his mouth. He won’t lie and say he didn’t miss Sirius because he really fucking missed him. The apartment was empty and lifeless without his presence, and Remus hardly felt like getting out of bed anymore.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Not after what you did.” Remus’ brows furrow as he tries to understand what Sirius means. If he recalls correctly Sirius left because he wouldn’t tell him about his missions, this seems like a different issue.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What are you talking about?” Sirius closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I know you cheated on me.” Coldwater rushes over him and it’s like everything freezes for a second. It was a mistake, and he never thought Sirius would find out about it. Remus opens his mouth but before he can speak Sirius interrupts.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Don’t tell me it’s not what it sounds like. I know I wasn’t myself the last few months, but I thought we loved each other. If you just wanted someone to fuck you should have told me that, not led me on.” Sirius harshly wipes away the few beads of water that have leaked from his eyes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Why wasn’t I enough for you? Could I have ever been enough?” The question stumps him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“The wolf,” Sirius’s expression turns stormy and he chucks a glass across the room, it shatters against the wall.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s never your fucking fault, is it! I’m sorry I hit you, it was the wolf. I’m sorry I broke your wrist, it was the wolf. I’m sorry I raped you, it was the wolf!” Sirius’ chest is heaving and his hands are shaking a considerable amount. It looked like every word caused him physical pain.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I didn’t rape you we both know you wanted it.” His own hands are shaking, every cell in his body refusing to understand the words being spoken.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I was drunk, Remus.” Rage builds up in him and he gets to his feet, easily towering above the shorter Sirius.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I asked if you wanted it and you said yes. And even if you said no you’re a fucking slut, you always fucking beg me to fuck you.” The words are just pouring out of him, aiming to hurt, and it’s working. All the colour has left Sirius’ face and he’s having trouble keeping eye contact.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Did you ever even love me?” Of course, he loved, loves Sirius. But right now he just wants to hurt him, to tear him apart.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You are so fucking boring. I’m going to be honest with you because you deserve the truth. Any guy who says he’s interested in you just beyond fucking you is lying. Wow. You’re crying now? What else is new.” All his anger leaves him and regret fills its space, how could he have said those words to the love of his life? Sirius is fully sobbing now, but trying to keep it under control. He’s hiccuping into his hands that still haven’t stopped shaking.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“He who fights monsters must take care lest he himself become a monster in the process, for when you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. I have seen your heart, Remus Lupin, and it is cruel and hateful.” There’s a crack and then Sirius is gone, a black scorch mark the only evidence he was ever there.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He wakes with a shudder and squints his eyes at the offending light of the sun. He checks his watch and curse when he sees the time eight in the morning. He only has about ten minutes to get ready before he and Dora are supposed to be at the Portkey. He rushes through the packing and haphazardly throws clothing and toiletries into his trunk. He’s downstairs in less than five minutes and greets Dora with a quick smile before they apparate to the Portkey.</p><p> </p><p>“There’s only one bed?” Remus questions to front desk receptionist. She looks at him over her glasses and raises a thin blond eyebrow.</p><p>“Is that a problem, Sir?” Remus feels himself wither under her stare and he relents.</p><p>“No, not a problem at all.” The receptionist smiles condescendingly and hands him his key card. As soon as they’re out of earshot Dora laughs, Remus only manages a small frown that soon turns into a smile.</p><p>“What? She was intimidating.” She laughs until they reach room 202 and he unlocks the door. The room is nothing to write home about, the walls are adorned with ugly flowered wallpaper and the bed could barely be considered a double. He sighs and sets their pair of trunks down at the end of the bed. It’s only for one night, they should be able to get by.</p><p>“I’ll set up the wards on the outside, can you do inside?” He nods and they both get to work. He doesn’t really know why they’re even on this mission, it's just to gather intel on a barely trusted source. He reckons Dumbledore was tired of seeing him mope about the house.</p><p>“All set! You reckon this tv has the BBC?” Remus glances at the Panasonic and highly doubts it’ll play anything but static. Dora jumps on the bed and lightly bounces as the springs adjust to her weight. Remus can’t help the way his eyes drift over to her supple breasts and watch how the bounce slightly. She flicks through the channels, each one worst than the last. She groans and continues to hit the channel skip button until the room is filled with moans. They both pause what they were doing and fully turn to the tv. Of course, the only channel that works is the porn one. Tonks doesn’t immediately change the channel and in fact, leans closer to get a better look. The lady on the television has massive breasts that bounce with each movement, and the man has a tight grip on her hips as he fucks into her. Embarrassingly Remus feels his pants tighten. </p><p>“Tonks?” He questions when she still doesn’t change the channel. She seems to come back to herself and a deep red blush covers her face.</p><p>“Sorry.” She hits the power button and the tv fades to black, Remus can still hear it sizzling. </p><p>“I’ve never seen anything like that.” Remus can’t help but chuckle.</p><p>“You mean porn?” She turns bright eyes to him.</p><p>“That’s what it’s called? I’ve never, well I’ve never done that with someone.” She looks down at her knees and Remus feels a bit bad for laughing. </p><p>“That’s alright, people can go their whole lives without ever having sex. There’s nothing wrong with that.” He shrugs, and she seems to have relaxed a bit more. He had not thought that this would be a conversation topic between them.</p><p>“Ok, the mission.” The awkward tension dissolves as they discuss surveillance tactics and what they’ll do if anything goes wrong.</p><p> </p><p>Remus has always been tall, even when he was a child he was taller than all the boys his age. He suspected it had something to do with the wolf inside him, or maybe it was because his father was tall as well. Nymphadora wasn’t necessarily tall, but she wasn’t short enough to fit comfortably on the bed. They were both on their backs, their arms and legs awkwardly touching. Remus couldn’t sleep like this, and he suspected Tonks was awake as well.</p><p>“Are you asleep?” He snorts at the ridiculous question.</p><p>“No.” She hums and then shifts to her side, Remus does as well and they are now face to face, their noses almost touching.</p><p>“Do you think anyone will fall in love with me?” The question catches him off guard, but it’s not hard to respond.</p><p>“Of course.” She still looks troubled, so he doesn’t say anything and waits for her to continue.</p><p>“I mean, I’m not very girly. Like yeah, I can change into whatever but that’s not me. And I don’t want someone to fall in love with a fake image of me.” Remus understands, he understands so much. All his life he hid behind a facade, too terrified of revealing the real him. But then Sirius had forced his way into his life and loved him for who he was.</p><p>“I think I could fall in love with you.” Sirius’ love had been wonderful and warm, and he wants Dora to experience that as well. And he thinks he could be happy with her.</p><p>“I like who you are.” She hesitantly reaches out a hand and caresses his cheek. He sees it coming when she leans up and connects their lips, but it still surprises him. She pulls away with a blush on her cheeks.</p><p>“I think I could fall in love with you too.” She scouts closer to him and the heat of her breasts seep through his shirt and warms his skin.</p><p>“Do you want to fuck me?” Her voice is so innocent but there’s a mischievous glint in her blue eyes. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t pictured her writhing beneath, oh so naked and pliant to his touch.</p><p>“Yes.” He admits. And she smiles slyly. She leans up to kiss him again and he feels her hand trail down his stomach.</p><p>“What did you imagine? How did you imagine me?” He groans as her hand finds his half-erect cock, she gives it a gentle squeeze as she asks.</p><p>“You’re on your back, looking up at me with those big innocent eyes.” They both shift positions, and she ends up on her back with Remus kneeling over her. </p><p>“You’re fully naked, unshaved.” She slowly peels off her shirt then her pants and knickers follow soon after. </p><p>“What do your natural tits look like?” He appreciatively runs a scarred hand up her side as she looks up at him through her lashes.</p><p>“I want you to be fully you.” She bites her lip and he hums in amazement as the skin stretches and changes.</p><p>“Fuck, you’re beautiful.” He passes a finger over her pert nipple, she moans and he does the action again on the opposite side. His other hand travels lower and slips between her folds, she’s already wet.</p><p>“I’d want you to beg for it, but not the first time.” Her fingers find the hem of his shirt and she pulls at it lightly.</p><p>“It’s hardly fair that I’m naked and you’re still fully dressed.” He obliges and discards his shirt and pants, even taking the time to neatly fold his socks.</p><p>“What else would you do to me?” He passes a finger over her clit and she bucks into the touch.</p><p>“I’d finger you first, then fuck you senseless with my cock.” Said appendage throbs at the mental image he’s just conjured. When she gives him a slight nod he allows a finger to slip inside of her. It’s different than fingering Sirius, for one Sirius was a man and Nymphadora a woman. Inside she’s warm and wet, and she periodically tightens around him. Sirius was always impatient and would push back on his fingers and moan into his ear. Dora on the other hand takes what he gives and doesn’t ask for more, and she’s quiet, just light moans escape her plush lips. </p><p>“Can you fuck me now, please?” And she’s so polite, whereas Sirius would cry and beg until he got what he wanted. He kind of misses the push and pull between them, even though he also reduced Sirius to a winning mess in the end. Dora is completely submissive to him. The wolf always liked the fight, it made it feel amazing when he finally forced Sirius into submission. He takes his fingers out of her and pulls down his briefs, freeing his straining erection. She eyes it warily as he guides it towards her.</p><p>“Do you want this?” He has to make sure, he will not take advantage of her.</p><p>“Yes.” He pushes into her warm heat and surprises a moan into her shoulder. She curses under her breath and lightly pushes back into him. He places one hand on the headboard and the other is planted right by her head.</p><p>“You gonna fuck me or what?” This finally pushes him over the edge and he snaps his hips into her, her breasts bounce with every thrust of his hips. It doesn’t take either of them long to get closer to the edge as he slams his hips into her and rubs his fingers over her clit. She cries out as she finishes and he pulls out of her, jerking himself off until he comes on her stomach. They’re both panting as he conjures a towel and wipes her off. She smiles up at him and he kisses her lightly on the kips.</p><p>“I’ll be right back.” He gets up on shaky legs and walks over to the tiny bathroom. The light flickers when he turns it on and he sits bare assed on the porcelain toilet lid. He lets his head fall into his hands and a quiet sob escapes his lips. He pushes the heels of his palms into his eyes until he sees white.</p><p>“Fuck.” He thought that fucking her would change his feelings or help him develop new ones, but it only made the Sirius shaped hole in his heartache. Nymphadora was a sweet pretty girl who deserved to be loved. He lowers his hands and takes a few deep calming breaths. He’ll learn to love her, and he’ll make sure she’s happy, even if it kills him inside.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You don’t truly love someone until they’ve hurt young you still think of them as the greatest person in the world. Love is the most violent act.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. 1980: before we fell</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for the comments &lt;3. You know that theory on how past abuse can effect kinks? Yeah. I know I'm being tough on everyone and I promise you that it will get better, eventually.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Walked about twenty blocks talking about good bars and better towns than this one.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kissed that first night,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Then the rain opened up the sky to get</em>
</p><p>
  <em>One last kiss, I love you like an alcoholic.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>One last kiss, I love you like a statuette.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>One last kiss, I need you like I need a broken leg.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I was getting off the late shift, attempting to recover.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Crumpled up the bus pass and tossed it into the gutter.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Some handsome dark stranger, you were standing there on the corner.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Remus, Remus.” A slight pause.</p><p>“Remus!” The pen snaps in his hand and the ink ruins his letter to Lily. He cares up at Sirius who doesn’t look sorry at all.</p><p>“What do you want?” He asks, none too nicely. The exciting light dimes slightly from Sirius’ eyes and Remus feels a little bit of guilt.</p><p>“I just wanted your attention.” He puts and Remus finds that it does not amuse him this time, just pisses him off.</p><p>“Are you kidding me? You’ve just ruined my letter to Lily.” Sirius smirks and spreads out his legs so his toes just touch Remus’ thigh, his eyes are instantly drawn to it.</p><p>“Technically, you broke the pen and spilled all that ink,” Remus growls low in his throat, a warning. Either Sirius doesn’t hear it or doesn’t acknowledge it. He pushes his feet deeper into the meat of Remus’ thigh and bites his lip.</p><p>“I’m being serious, don’t test me right now.” He realizes his mistake a second too late, and Sirius’ eyes light up.</p><p>“No, I’m Sirius.” Something snaps in him and he pushes the desk to the side. It crashes on the floor and it draws Sirius’ attention. Remus takes this moment to jump on to of him and grip his wrists.</p><p>“I’m not fucking playing around right now. The moon is in three hours and you’re getting on my last nerve.” He grips his wrists tighter and doesn’t miss the look of pain that crosses his face.</p><p>“Remus, you're scaring me.” The scent of fear is almost as intoxicating as Sirius's naked pliant body. He breathes it in deep and the smell only gets stronger.</p><p>“Has the fun of dating a werewolf finally worn off? Are you finally seeing the reality of what a monster I am?” He squeezes his hand until he feels and hears a distinct crack. Tears gather at the corners of Sirius’ eyes and he lets out a quiet moan. It’s only then that he comes back to himself and he shifts away from the boy beneath him.</p><p>“Fuck, I’m so sorry, I didn’t,” He shifts back a little more and feels the undoubtable hardness of Sirius’ cock.</p><p>“What?” Sirius turns his head to the side as red hot shame colours his face.</p><p>“I’m sorry, can we just forget about this?” The wolf inside him preens at the thought of Sirius getting hard for him. Getting hard because he hurt him. He moves back so he’s sitting on Sirius’ thighs, he looks up at him confused.</p><p>“You’re so disgusting, getting hard because I hurt you. Are you gagging for it the much?” After a seconds hesitation Sirius nods, the tears finally spilling from his eyes.</p><p>“Do you want me to touch you? Or should I make you touch yourself?” He looks at Sirius’ right hand, which is bent at an awkward angle and already appears to be bruising.</p><p>“Please touch me, Remus, please.” He clicks his tongue and removes his hands from the man’s body.</p><p>“No, I don’t think I will. You’ve been a bad boy, you have to touch yourself.” A glimmer of panic flashes through his eyes, but Remus doesn’t give in. It takes a few moments but Sirius slowly lowers his hand and shakily unzips his jeans.</p><p>“No underwear? Naughty.” He can barely suppress the cries of pain as he loosely grips himself.</p><p>“Remus please, it hurts too much.” Remus doesn’t say anything and instead watches as Sirius continues to stroke himself, letting out as many pained whimpers as moans. After a few minutes, they seem to be getting nowhere so Remus pulls his jeans the rest of the way down. Sirius yelps as Remus’ dry finger makes contact with his hole.</p><p>“Rem?” He pushes in and he whimpers again, his hand has released his cock and is resting awkwardly on his stomach. The skin around his wrist is completely purple and his fingers periodically twitch. Remus adds another finger and Sirius cries out.</p><p>“Too much.” Remus ignores him and scissors his too fingers, forcing the muscle to stretch.</p><p>“Do you not want me anymore? Am I too much for you?” A disgusting feeling fills his chest but he can’t stop his body, he can’t stop basically torturing his boyfriend.</p><p>“Love you so much. I’ll do anything.” His heart swells at the words of utter devotion. And he is fingers go at a brutal pace. Once he’s satisfied he pulls his fingers out and spits into his hand, hastily rubbing his cock. </p><p>“Remus, please.” He pushes in.</p><p>“Shut up, you’ll take what I give you.” The man nods and clues his eyes, relenting his body to whatever Remus wants. And Remus wants to dominate him, wants to ruin him, wants to mark him as his.</p><p>“No one else can ever have you.” He growls into Sirius’ neck and he bites down, hard. The sweet taste of blood fills his mouth and he comes inside Sirius, filling him up. He carefully extracts himself from the bloody and bruised body beneath him. He gazes down at his handiwork and smirks as he sees that Sirius has cum on his stomach.</p><p>“Look at you, such a fucking slut.” Sirius slowly pulls himself up and away from Remus.</p><p>“Stop.” Remus is taken aback at the anger in his voice and he’s frozen as Sirius gets up off the couch. He doesn’t glance at Remus as he limps towards the bathroom, the lock sliding into place is deafening.</p><p> </p><p>It was the first full moon in years that he was without his mate, and the wolf tore him apart. When he was strong enough to apparate himself home he found Sirius in the bathroom, exactly where he left him. His wrist was still broken and it was crooked and badly bruised, it looked really painful. And the bite mark at his neck was a vivid black and blue, with tried blood crusted around it. He did this, he did this to Sirius. The thought makes him want to be sick, how could he have lost control like that? </p><p>“Darling?” He crouches down on achy bones and carefully places his hand on Sirius's hunched back. Sirius doesn’t even flinch, doesn’t even acknowledge his presence. There’s only been a few times that he’s been in such a state. The clearest he can remember is when he found out his father had died. So, he lifts him up from his armpits and has him sit on the toilet. </p><p>“I’m going to undress you.” There’s no sign he’s heard him, but Remus begins to take his clothes off anyway. He starts with his t-shirt that is stained with his spunk, then he moves onto his socks. When he gets to his pants they’re still unzipped and Remus has to maneuver them off him without letting Sirius topple off the seat. He then fills the tub with steaming water that smells of lavender and vanilla. Once it’s filled he helps Sirius up and deposits him in the tub. His muscles are screaming in agony but he ignores them in favour of picking up a cup and filling it with water. He tilts Sirius’ head back and pure the warm water through his hair, soaking it. He then takes a small cloth and dips it into the water. He takes very gentle care in wiping around the bite wound and cleaning the blood from it. He reaches for Sirius’s arm and carefully pulls it up so it rests on his lap.</p><p>“I’m going to heal you.” There’s the tiniest of nods and Remus smiles.</p><p>“Episkey.” The bones crack into place and Sirius manages a small wince.</p><p>“I’m so sorry.” He kisses his hand before depositing it back into the water. Sirius finally turns to him and the black bags under his eyes stand out so much.</p><p>“S’okay. I know you didn’t mean to.” He gently runs a hand along Sirius’ cheek and to the back of his head. He pulls his head close and places a kiss on his forehead.</p><p>“I love you so much, do you know that? So much.” Sirius looks up at him through his eyelashes, which casts spiderwebs on his cheeks.</p><p>“I know.” He lets his eyes slip shut as Remus washes his hair.</p><p> </p><p>Remus wishes Sirius wouldn’t forgive him so easily. After time it gets easier and easier to hurt him because he knows he’ll always be forgiven. And the night James and Lily die, Remus can hardly be mad at the man. Years and years of Remus breaking him, there had to have been a post where it becomes too much. So he doesn’t really blame Sirius, he blames himself. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You had those compelling magnetized eyes that you must have lost when you got older.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Seven blocks in, my fingers brushed your hand;</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I blushed, you laughed, but you seemed a little sad.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I ain't one to jump a ship, but I absolutely knew</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I was six steps in when I fell into you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>One last kiss, I love you like a broken pot.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>One last kiss, I love you like a pack of dogs.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>One last kiss, I need you like I need a gaping head wound.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I kin Remus Lupin, and I don't want to make him a bad person, but I've got a theory. His entire life he was told he was a monster and he does everything he can to supress thew of, so it is my belief that this makes him more prone to violent acts. Because of all that pent up aggression and pain. And all Sirius has known is abuse from the people who are supposed to love him.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Summer: 1977</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Remus, darling. Love of my life. Light of my life.” He finally looks up at Sirius who is lying upside down, his head hanging off the bed.</p><p>“What is it?” His smile looks a bit funny from upside down.</p><p>“Let’s go camping!” Sirius rolls over and slides off the bed, crawling towards Remus. Camping? He’d never actually been camping before, his parents were much too terrified to let him leave the house. </p><p>“It’ll be so fun! We can go on hikes, we can make marshmallows over the fire, and we can sleep under the stars!” The light in Sirius’ eyes is the only thing needed to convince him to go along with his idea.</p><p>“I’d love to.” Or maybe it’s the blinding smile he receives.</p><p>“Really? You are amazing, I love you so much.” He pulls Remus into a tight hug and he breathes in the scent close to his neck. Remus lets himself run his hands through Sirius’ hair and he lightly pulls on it. Sirius takes the cue to pull away and he looks up at Remus through his eyelashes, his lips pouted. </p><p>“Do you know how beautiful you are?” Sirius bites down on his lip and continues to stare up at him, he slowly nods his head. He pulls him in by his hair and kisses those plush lips of his. But only after a few seconds Sirius pulls away.</p><p>“I’ll go tell James and Lily, they’ll be so happy.” Remus frowns and Sirius stops to look at him.</p><p>“I thought you were talking just the two of us.” Yes, they did live together, but it was different from being alone together in their house, than being alone together in the wilderness. </p><p>“If that’s what you want, I’ll let them know. It can just be us.” He can see how the light dims from his eyes, and he doesn’t want to be the cause of that.</p><p>“It’d be nice to catch up with them, it has been a long time since we’ve last spoken.” The smile returns tenfold and Sirius bounds away to, no doubt, floo call James. Remus sighs and gets up starts packing because he knows Sirius will be too excited to properly pack. He neatly folds socks, pants, shirts, and underwear. He packs in a few swimsuits in case there is a lake and a few jackets. He then moves on to pack his own bag. Sirius comes back into the room almost two hours later and beams at Remus.</p><p>“You’re bloody amazing, Remus Lupin.” He grabs Remus by the shirt and pulls him in for a kiss.</p><p>“This’ll be amazing!” He’s practically vibrating in glee and Remus watches on with adoration. It’s moments like these that Remus remembers why he fell in love with Sirius Black. And he remembers how lucky he is to be loved by the man as well. And what a beautiful love it is, all-encompassing and warming. He doubts he could ever feel something as amazing as this ever again, and he realizes he has to hold him close. All war does is tear people apart, and he has to make sure that that does not happen to them.</p><p>“You’re stuck in your head again.” Sirius brings him out of his thoughts with a gentle finger on his temple.</p><p>“I’m thinking about you.” Sirius blushes and looks down at his feet, suddenly bashful.</p><p>“Really?” Remus's eyes widen as he realizes Sirius is actually being serious.</p><p>“Of course I think of you. All the time.” He beckons Sirius closer and he goes willingly, pliantly. Remus runs his hand over Sirius’ cheek and he brushes a finger over each eyelid. He runs a finger over Sirius’ plush lips, he then pushes his thumb into the willing mouth.</p><p>“You’re always on my mind, Sirius. My every thought is invaded by <em>you</em>.” Those sinful lips close around his thumb and he gently sucks. The sharp sting he receives jolts him out of the moment and he pulls his hand away.</p><p>“I bite at the hand that feeds me.” There’s a mischievous glint in his eyes as he backs away from Remus.</p><p>“I am yours, mind, body and soul.” He gets on his knees in front of Remus and lays his head on his lap.</p><p>“You are mine, mind, body and soul.” Sirius’ eyelids flutter and he breathes an erratic breath. His hands clench into fists and his whole body shakes with arousal, the scent is heavy in the air.</p><p>“You’re my everything, Remus.” Sirius finally says at last.</p><p>“And you mine.” He says in answer.</p><p><br/>Due to them both being of age and passing their apparition tests they were able to apparate directly to the campsite. Unlucky for Peter he had failed, and James being the kind soul he is decided to take the night bus with him, and by extension, Lily.</p><p>“Poor chap, I don’t know what he’ll do without us.” Remus lightly hits him and Sirius sticks out his tongue.</p><p>“Just being honest. After this it’s our last year, then we're on our own.” He pauses his stride and looks to Remus again.</p><p>“Well, we aren’t on our own. We’ll always have each other.” He takes Remus’ hand and they continue walking down the small trail path leading towards the campsite. He doesn’t want to admit it to Sirius’ face, but he is right. Thanks to them Peter had passed all his courses, and become an illegal animagus. His foot snags on a root but Sirius braces a hand in front of him.</p><p>“C’mon, we’re almost there.” They soon reach a clearing and Sirius turns into Padfoot and rolls around in the mud.</p><p>“Really?” He tries to keep a stern face but when the dog turns to him and lets his tongue loll out of his mouth. Remus picks up a stick and waves it around, laughing as he watches the dog's eyes follow it.</p><p>“Fetch? You wanna fetch?” He lobs the stick as far as he can and Padfoot runs after it. He drops their bags and sits himself down on a large stone. He begins to worry when Sirius hasn’t come back for a few minutes now. He worries about the dry skin around his nails and glances around at their surroundings.</p><p>“Sirius?” He calls out, now getting really worried.</p><p>“This isn’t funny, Sirius.” Finally, the man emerges from the trees with a haunted look in his eyes.</p><p>“Merlin, you fucking scared me.” Sirius kneels in front of him and looks up at him.</p><p>“You’d never leave me, right?” Aghast he takes Sirius’ face in his hands, he brushes his thumb past the tears that have gathered.</p><p>“I would never dream of it, my love.” He wonders what Sirius found in those woods?</p><p>“I saw a boggart in the woods, and it showed me dreadful things.” He slides off the rock and now kneels down in the dirt with the love of his life.</p><p>“It wasn’t real, just a nasty boggart.” A twig breaks and it catches Remus’ attention.</p><p>“Oi! Stop your snogging and come great your best mates.” Sirius's face changes in an instant, a smile graces his face and he jumps up to hug James.</p><p>“Jamie! You’re finally here!” Both boys topple over and play fight in the dirt, as the rest of them watch on with amusement. Lily comes and sits next to him and asks.</p><p>“What is it that we see in them?” Remus looks back at Sirius and an adoring smile crosses his face.</p><p>“Because we love them.” Lily agrees and finally, the boys stop.</p><p>“Let’s set up the tents.” No one asks Remus to help out with the tents, being that the full moon was last night, and he’s grateful for it. So he gets to watch on as the three boys struggle to put up two tents. Lily directs them and huffs in annoyance and pulls out her wand.</p><p>“We have to do it the Muggle way!” Sirius protests but Lily ignores him. Peter seems content to finally sit down as Lily does the brunt of the work.</p><p>“Useless, the lot of you.” She says, exasperated. And Sirius sits down next to him, pouting.</p><p>“I wanted it to be authentic, for your first time.” He cards his fingers through the black hair and plants a kiss on the crown of his head.</p><p>“Don’t worry, we’ll still make marshmallows the muggle way.” This brings a smile to his handsome face once more. Much to Peter’s dismay, the tents were completely Muggle. No fancy beds and comfy mattresses, just the cold hard ground. Sirius is beyond excited and Remus can’t find any problems with sleeping outdoors. They spend the rest of the day exploring their surroundings. Lily comes across a beautiful lake and James and Sirius practically vanish their clothes in hast to get in. They thankfully keep their underwear on, as much as he loves James, he’d rather not see his bits. Remus watches as the gentle curve of Sirius’ body travels underwater. He surfaces for air where Remus has settled down, his hair slicked back and exposing his beautiful face.</p><p>“Are you sure you're not part mermaid? It’s like you belong in the water.” And it’s true, he glides so effortlessly and the waves seem to obey his every whim.</p><p>“Maybe. Maybe I’ll lure you into the water, and keep you forever.” Before he even knows what’s happening Sirius has grabbed his arms and is pulling him in. Everything is muted underwater, and it’s as if he is floating in the sky. Underneath the surface, the water is a beautiful blue hue and it makes Sirius look ethereal. His hair is floating around them, encasing them in a shell of some sort. His silver eyes are piercing and Remus can’t look away, not even for a second. But all too soon the spell is broken as they both pull up for air. Lily, James and Peter are laughing as he breaks past the surface.</p><p>“You should have seen your face.” Remus snaps his fingers and an invisible force pushes him in as well.</p><p> </p><p>They actually managed to get a fire going without using any magic. Peter has already retired for bed and it’s just the three of them left awake.</p><p>“How is it, living in your own flat?” Remus didn’t really consider it his flat, Sirius paid the brunt of the rent. After Sirius's seventeenth birthday he moved out of the Potters and bought his own place, he always told Remus how guilty he felt touching off the kindness of James’ parents. </p><p>“It’s lovely, I couldn’t ask for more.” His and Sirius's hands find each other and they link their fingers together.</p><p>“Mum and Dad miss you, you should stop by before the summer’s over.” Remus watches as Lily leans into James and he puts his arm around her. It was a new fragile thing, what James and Lily had. It was only near the end of sixth year when she finally agreed to go on a date with him. Remus suspects what finally got her was when she saw him looking after Sirius, she saw a different side to him. After running away Sirius was fragile, and he needed them to care for him. Remus thinks that’s why Sirius is so susceptible to his fits of childlike behaviour. He never really got to have a childhood, and they all taught him that it was alright to not be alright.</p><p>“It’s the happiest I’ve ever been.” The fire has died down and he can see Sirius starting to yawn.</p><p>“Time for bed?” Sirius nods sleepily and lets Remus help him up.</p><p>“Goodnight, see you in the morning.” </p><p>“Silencing charms!” James yells after them, but Remus doesn’t think they’ll need any tonight. Because Sirius is already passed out in the middle of their makeshift bed. He pulls the covers over him and slides in beside him.</p><p>“Goodnight, love.” Sirius mumbles something in reply that sounds a lot like ‘I love you’ and turns his face into Remus' chest.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>We made our way along the river</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And we sat down in the grass by the Eiffel tower</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I was so happy we had met</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was the age of no regret</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh, yes</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Those crazy years</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That was the time of the flower-power</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But underneath</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We had a fear of flying</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Of growing old</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A fear of slowly dying</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We took a chance</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Like we were dancing our last dance</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Moonshadow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nymphadora convinces Remus to move out of Grimmauld place soon after they become unofficially official. After that night they held hands, they kissed and they slept in the same bed, so Remus assumed they were together now. And he wasn’t complaining, Dora is a perfectly wonderful girl, he just doesn’t understand why she likes <em>him. </em>He could understand the devotion of his friends because they grew up together. And he could sometimes wrap his head around the idea that Sirius loved him. But he didn’t understand Nymphadora. She was thirteen years younger than him, and she had a full life ahead of him, he maybe had a few good years left. And his lycanthropy. She couldn’t possibly understand how much it controlled his life, and he could never fully devote himself to her. At least with Sirius he could transform into Padfoot, and be there with him. Whereas Nymphadora would have to wait at home worrying about him.</p><p>“Ready to go, darling?” She draws him out of his thoughts with a gentle hand on his arm. He nods and grabs what little things he owns. Andromeda was kind enough to offer them her spare room, and when they came to the door she asked where Sirius was. No one had told her.</p><p>“I’m sorry, he’s dead.” The words still hurt to say, but not as much as before. She’d only sniffled then squared her shoulders and welcomed them in. He had seen the same behaviour from Sirius, the cold indifference as if nothing could touch him. But later that night he’d heard her crying to Ted. Only two days into their stay Dumbledore showed up on their doorstep.</p><p>“Albus. What do you want?” Remus had never heard someone dress Dumbledore in that way before, it makes him wonder what she knows. </p><p>“Andromeda, lovely to see you. May I come in?” He doesn’t wait for an invitation and elegantly slides past her.</p><p>“I’m afraid I cannot stay long. You see I have some business to attend to, quite urgent.” He stands in the middle of the room and turns to Remus, a twinkle in his eyes.</p><p>“May I speak to you in private?” He takes Remus aside and puts up a silencing charm once he closes the door behind him.</p><p>“I’m afraid this is not good news. Greyback is back in town.” He shudders and unceremoniously throws himself into a plush armchair.</p><p>“What do you want me to do?” Just like last time he’s Dumbledore’s little lap dog, or wolf, in this case.</p><p>“I want you to join his pack, gain his trust. And then report back to me with news.” He nods and accepts his fate. And Dumbledore smiles, as if he knew Remus would, could never say no to him. Dumbledore dissaparate’s and someone knocks on the door, it’s Dora.</p><p>“What was that about?” He’d had this exact conversation with Sirius many years ago, and his answer proved disastrous. He finds that he doesn’t want to lie to her, so he doesn’t.</p><p>“Dumbledore wants me to go to a werewolf camp. Pretend I’ve joined them and gather intel.” And finally the secret he kept formal those years, the secret that destroyed everything Sirius and he had, is out.</p><p>“That’s awful, but I’m here for you, alright? Anything you need.” He pulls her into a hug and she tucks her head into his neck.</p><p>“Thank you.” How easy had that been? To finally tell the truth, and everything had turned out just fine.</p><p> “When do you have to leave? Do you need me to help you pack?” He could imagine how Sirius would have acted in this situation, and he can’t help but compare the two. Sirius would have freed out and demanded that he be able to come along with him, he probably would have stayed as a dog for whatever amount of tie it took. Tonks was understanding and she knew he had to do this.</p><p>“I’m assuming I’ll have to leave tonight. And I don’t want to bring anything, I don’t want it to get dirty.” He means both physically and metaphysically of course. He also couldn’t bring his wand with him, the wolves detested them. </p><p>“Will you be able to write to me? Just to let me know you’re safe?” He’ll man sure to try his best, just for her.</p><p>“I’ll do my best.” She kisses him on the cheek and he decides he should leave now. He pulls back and gives his wand to her.</p><p>“I’ll try and make it back in one piece.” She opens and closes her mouth a few times, and he waits.</p><p>“Remus, I,” She takes a breath.</p><p>“I love you.” The breath whooshes out of his chest and he feels as if he could stumble backwards.</p><p>“You don’t have to say it back. I just wanted to tell you, just in case.” In case he doesn’t come back, his mind supplies.</p><p>“I’ll come back, for you.” The air compresses around him and the last thing he sees is her smiling teary-eyed face.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>In a decadent age, I try to change</em>
</p><p>
  <em>All my decadent ways but I just can't help but</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Stay the same.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In a decadent age.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ohh.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I will try and try to change but I just stay the same.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The werewolf camp, to put it in simple terms, was disgusting. Remus could smell the despair that permeated the air, and he could smell the rot. A young boy, no more than twenty, came up to him and stopped him from walking any further.</p><p>“What’s your business?” The other occupants have looked up from whatever they were doing and are now watching their interaction.</p><p>“I’m Remus Lupin. I’m looking for Greyback.” The boy's eyes widen and he hurriedly pulls him into the rundown building.</p><p>“Father has been waiting for you to arrive, he will be pleased.” The boy leads him through a set of hallways and they come to stop at a great big door. He knocks and it takes a few moments for a gruff voice to respond with ‘come in’. The boy hurries away and Remus is left alone to open the door. Years ago he met Greyback when he was first tasked with the mission. The man hasn’t changed much, only gotten gruffer, his hair has also seemed to have gotten longer.</p><p>“Remus, I’m glad that you are back.” He pulls Remus into a stiff hug that he tries his best not to flinch away from.</p><p>“What brings you here? Now of all times?” Remus tries to stick as close to the truth as possible.</p><p>“I’ve had enough of their mistreatment, and it’s time I take charge I fight back.” Greyback smiles with rotten teeth and invites Remus to sit down.</p><p>“You’ve come to the right place, my boy. I will help you take your revenge.” His clawed hand none too gently massages his shoulder and Remus winces.</p><p>“You’ve had a long day of travel, go rest now. Leila will direct you to your quarters.” A haggard woman appears at the door and holds out a hand for him to take. He remembers her from last time, she was a ruthless killer.</p><p>“Brother, I’m glad to see you again.” Her hand is cold in his and he is repulsed by the way their skin brushes together.</p><p>“As am I, sister.” The word feels wrong on his tongue, but he has to play the game.</p><p> </p><p>It’s been a month since he entered the werewolf pack, and he’s gotten nowhere. Greyback still doesn’t trust him enough with any vital information. He’s only written one letter to Nymphadora, but she doesn’t seem to mind. He genuinely misses her, which is odd, considering how little he really knows her. It took a long time for him to even come around to Sirius and James, and even longer for him to get with Sirius. But there was something so effortless about their connection like they’ve been friends forever. He runs his hand down his face and grits his teeth when it comes away dirty. It feels too similar to all those years ago when he didn’t know if he had a tomorrow, though he supposes it still feels like that.</p><p>“Tonight we hunt! Tonight we claim what is ours!” The wolves cheer at Fenrir’s words and Remus perks up. Finally, something he can tell Dumbledore so that he can go home. Fenrir goes through the crowd touching each pack member, a pre-moon ritual. When he stops at him Fenrir grabs him by the hair and pulls him close to his neck.</p><p>“We’ll be dining on the MacDonald’s. And we’ll take their boy for our ranks.” Mary. Remus’ gut turns, he doesn’t want to be a killer, much less to one of his only surviving friends. </p><p>“Yes, Father.” Fenrir smiles but still doesn’t move on.</p><p>“You will be the one to turn him.” He finally releases his hair and moves onto the next pack member. As soon as he out of range of the pack leader he scrambles to find a quiet place. In his youth, Dumbledore had taken him aside for private lessons on how to cast a wandless Patronus. He’d only managed it once when he was on the verge of death, he’d been thinking of Sirius. He finds a clearing behind their building and closes his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“I’m thinking about you.” Sirius blushes and looks down at his feet, suddenly bashful.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Really?” Remus's eyes widen as he realizes Sirius is actually being serious.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Of course I think of you. All the time.” He beckons Sirius closer and he goes willingly, pliantly. Remus runs his hand over Sirius’ cheek and he brushes a finger over each eyelid. He runs a finger over Sirius’ plush lips, he then pushes his thumb into the willing mouth.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re always on my mind, Sirius. My every thought is invaded by you.” Those sinful lips close around his thumb and he gently sucks. The sharp sting he receives jolts him out of the moment and he pulls his hand away.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I bite at the hand that feeds me.” There’s a mischievous glint in his eyes as he backs away from Remus.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I am yours, mind, body and soul.” He gets on his knees in front of Remus and lays his head on his lap.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You are mine, mind, body and soul.” Sirius’ eyelids flutter and he breathes an erratic breath. His hands clench into fists and his whole body shakes with arousal, the scent is heavy in the air.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re my everything, Remus.” Sirius finally says at last.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“And you mine.” He says in answer.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Expecto Patronum.” He whispers and a great big wolf manifests from the trees. He grimaces at the form it’s taken but he can't focus on it right now.</p><p>“Tell Dumbledore Greyback plans to attack the MacDonald’s during tonight’s moon.” The silver animal disperses and Remus can only hope that Dumbledore will receive it in time. He can let himself think about what will happen to that young boy’s life if Fenrir is successful tonight. And Mary, she’d know it was him, and she probably was waiting for him to finally snap.</p><p> </p><p>When he wakes in the morning his hands are red with blood, and the iron taste clings to his mouth. He vomits.</p><p>“Remus.” Dumbledore’s voice. He’s going to Azkaban or going to be put down. What will Nymphadora think, what’s Harry think? His last connection to his father put down like the monster everyone suspected him of being.</p><p>“You saved three lives tonight.” Remus’ head snaps up and he finally gets a good look at the man, the hem of his robes is stained with blood.</p><p>“What happened?” His throat cracks with every syllable, and every moment of silence from Dumbledore cuts through his soul.</p><p>“When the Greenback was denied blood he turned on you.” It was a fucking setup, and he was so fucking stupid to go right along with it. He’d seen the look in Fenrir’s eyes, he should have known that this was a test. </p><p>“And it is no fault of your own, that he is now dead. I believe you did what you had to do to survive.” Remus finally gets a look at the scene and he vomits again. He butchered the man.</p><p>“Remus, do not retreat into yourself. Greyback was not a good man, and he ruined many lives, including your own.” Remus flinches back when Dumbledore lays a hand on his shoulder, how could the man stand to touch him? Out of the corner of his eye, he notices a hulking black figure, a dog.</p><p>“Sirius?” He tries to crawl towards it but Dumbledore steps in front of him.</p><p>“No! It’s Sirius, sir. I have to get to him, he’s alive.” Dumbledore doesn’t let him and his wizened figures dig deep into his shoulder.</p><p>“You’ve had a lot of trauma, Remus. This is just your mind’s way of coping, Sirius is not here.” Remus is sure that the dog standing just a few feet from him is his lost lover, but before he can get any closer Dumbledore disapparates with him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And if I ever lose my eyes</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If my colours all run dry</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yes, if I ever lose my eyes</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh, if, I won't have to cry no more</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Yes, I'm being followed by a moonshadow</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Moonshadow, moonshadow</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Leaping and hopping on a moonshadow</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Moonshadow, moonshadow</em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I think that it is only right that Remus is the one who kills Greyback.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Children</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Some plot, but it's mostly just a filler chapter with information we already know. I just want to move the time forward so we can get to the really interesting bits. I think I may move on to Sirius' perspective, who knows?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dumbledore is dead. Big bold letters read out the headline on the daily prophet, Rita Skeeter already had a book published. It was hard to believe that the powerful man he knew was now gone, for good. He has no doubt that this was all in his plan, nothing ever happened in chance when concerning Dumbledore. He’d talked to him only a few days ago, though he had been in a great deal of shock, too much to notice if anything was amiss. Sometimes when he looked down at his hands he could still see the blood.</p><p> </p><p>“Remus? Remus, what happened?” Tonks is on him in an instant and he pushes her away, afraid of dirtying her. Dumbledore seems to have disappeared and left him in the wake of his wreckage.</p><p>“Remus talk to me, what happened.” She’s tilting his head this way and that way but her presence is eager, irrelevant. He’d seen Sirius, he’s absolutely sure of it. After years of living with that scruffy dog, he’d know him anywhere. The blood is still on his hands, and his leg is at an awkward angle, broken.</p><p>“Leg.” His voice is hoarse from howling and it takes a second for Dora to understand what he’s saying.</p><p>“Fuck, shit, what do I do? Mom!” Andromeda comes running and gasps at the sight of him. She pushes her daughter aside and checks over Remus.</p><p>“I’m going to snap your leg back into place.” He doesn’t even flinch as she grabs ahold of the leg, she takes a deep breath and instructs him to do the same, he doesn’t. He doesn’t even feel it, just hears the crack and Nymphadora’s shriek. He’s belatedly aware of a stretcher being conjured and his body being hoisted onto it, he can feel the warmth of Tonks’ hand in his.</p><p>He fades in and out of consciousness for a week, or so he’s told. Nymphadora has been by his side the entire time, when he opens his eyes he fights the urge to snatch his hand away, can’t she still see the blood on it? Can’t she feel the warmth of once life seeping from his finger and dripping to the floor?</p><p>“You’re awake.” He moves his tongue around his mouth trying to get rid of the lingering taste of potions, his leg is a dull throb beneath the covers.</p><p>“How long?” His voice rasps and she quickly hands him a glass of water, which he gulps down eagerly.</p><p>“Only a week. You really scared me.” She runs her thumb along his knuckles and he flinches at the contact, she drops her hand.</p><p>“I killed someone, Dora. I’m a monster.” Even throughout his protests she gently pushes him against the wall and crawls in next to him.</p><p>“You’re not a monster, you killed a monster. I see you no different than I did before.” He stiffens but lets her head come to rest on his chest.</p><p>“How can you stand to touch me?” She chuckles and takes his hand again.</p><p>“Because I love you, idiot. I’ve killed people.” </p><p>“But that’s different.” She looks up at him and frowns.</p><p>“How’s it different?” She traces patterns onto his skin as he tries to think of the right thing to say to convince her of the truth.</p><p>“I lose my mind, I could kill anybody, even someone I loved.” This sounds so much like a conversation he’d had with Sirius, so long ago.</p><p>“I keep my mind, yet I still kill, knowing exactly what I’m doing.” But that was different, this is her job and she’s killing bad people. He loses his mind once a month and could kill an entire village if given the chance.</p><p>“Get out of your head, Remus. Can’t it be enough that I don’t see you that way?” Her heart is so kind, too kind for someone like him.</p><p>“I’m not good for you, Dora. I can’t provide for you, and I’m so much older.” She sits up and looks away from him.</p><p>“Stop saying those things, Remus. I don’t care about any of that, I love you.” He takes a breath and cards his fingers through his hair.</p><p>“You shouldn’t! I can’t provide for you, Nym.” She huffs and stands up, beginning to pace around the room.</p><p>“That doesn’t matter to me. I just want to be with you.” Why can’t she understand?</p><p>“I’m not a good person.” She stops and stares at him, tears shining in her eyes.</p><p>“I’m pregnant!” All the air whooshes out of his lungs and his body sinks into the mattress. She’s pregnant, with his child. </p><p>“No.” She nods her hand and rushes towards him falling to her knees in front of him, she grips his hands almost pleadingly.</p><p>“Please don’t be mad, but I want to keep it.” He’d never liked kids, even as a kid himself. He was isolated from his town so he never really got to know how kids were supposed to behave. But what if his condition passed on biologically? What if he was dooming this fetus to a life of pain and suffering?</p><p>“What if I pass it on? I can’t do that to a child.” Her eyes soften and she kisses his knuckle and then his palm.</p><p>“Then we will be there for them. Whether you pass it on or not, will not make me love them any less. But I understand if you do not want a part in this.” She goes to pull away but he grips her tighter.</p><p>“Nymphadora, I love you. And I don’t understand why you love me, but I’ll stay by your side.” The tears fall now and he wipes them away, they’re not tears of sadness. He loves this woman, and miraculously, she loves him back.</p><p>“Marry me.” Her eyes widen in surprise and her mouth falls open.</p><p>“What?” He’s already said the words, there’s no going back now.</p><p>“Marry me, only if you want to, of course. But I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” However short that life may, he wants to spend it with her. He’s had too many wasted opportunities in life, too many things he just didn’t do in time. He was too late with Sirius, and he let him slip through his fingers. He’s not going to let this moment pass him by, he’s not going to let her slip through his fingers.</p><p>“Yes. Yes, I’ll marry you.” She jumps on top of him and he bites back a wince. He cautiously brings a hand to her stomach and asks permission with his eyes, she nods and he places his hand on the warm heat. It’s too early for any big signs of life, but it’s as if he can almost sense the presence there, calling out to him.</p><p>“I’m going to be a father.” His fingers trace circles over her skin and she leans down to kiss him.</p><p>“And you’re going to be bloody amazing at it.” He always thought Sirius would make a good father, with the way he fawned over Harry. And maybe he could have been Harry’s father, in a way, if not for the cruel circumstances of fate. In a fantasy world, he and Sirius could have had a kid, they could have raised a child together. But he lived in the real world, and he was getting a chance now. </p><p> </p><p>He wondered how Harry was holding up, the poor boy had seen it happen. All his trust in Snape was gone and Remus couldn’t blame him, but Dumbledore had faith in him till the very last moment, so in turn, Remus had to trust him. He guesses he could ask him when they see him tonight, if they don’t die that is. He’s almost positive that Snape has told Voldemort their plan, to maintain cover and all that.</p><p>“Rem? Ready?” He nods and takes Dora’s outstretched hand, quickly disapparating.</p><p> </p><p> He’d never been to Lily’s cousin’s place, and he now realizes why. It’s so terribly muggle, and everything Lily was not. They’d packed up everything and all that was left was the garish wallpaper and Harry. They’d left him behind, how could someone do that to a child. He understands they had too but Harry had explained they looked almost relieved to finally be rid of him.</p><p>“Remus and I have some,” Mad eye steps up and clears his throat, effectively cutting them off, no one seems to have noticed. Remus tunes out most of what’s being said, he’s already heard it a hundred times just on their way here. He squeezes Dora’s hand as the poly juice passes but them. He’s grateful to Moody who decided that Nymphadora would stay herself for the fly, it didn’t guarantee much, but he was safe in the assumption she wouldn’t be kidnapped and tortured. He hadn’t wanted her to come at all, and they’d argued about it until she came out victorious. He was just worried for her and their babies' safety, if anything happened he’d surely blame himself. He watches inane and disgust as the bodies of the order members warp and change to look like Harry. </p><p>“Mundungus, you’re with me.” The scarred little man is obvious even in his disguise, Remus doesn’t trust him. He doesn’t even know how he got into the order in the first place. </p><p>“Don’t break formation, if one of us dies keep going.” He wants to get out of this night without any casualties, but he knows that’s a lot to ask for in a war.</p><p> </p><p>“Mad eye’s dead.” They’re absolutely fucked, now with Mad eye gone. He’s lucky that he and his wife had come out of the sky unscathed tonight, even poor Fred had suffered. And like usual Harry blamed himself, it alarmingly reminded him of himself. He looks around at the grim but determined faces around him and wonders if that’s what he looked like, what they looked like. It’s not fair, too any of them, to be going through this. They were supposed to be going to school and worrying about grades, not if a loved one will be next on the death toll. </p><p>“Let’s not tell them, not yet.” Dora agrees, Harry doesn’t need a new life to worry about, not yet anyway. And they didn’t want to occupy any more space in people's minds with Bill and Fleur’s wedding coming so soon. It’s a crazy time to be having a wedding, they’d just gone to the church house and signed some papers. Maybe when this is all over he’d like to have a real wedding, something small for family and friends. Molly’s going absolutely mad with worry concerning the prep and Remus tries to keep out of her way, fearing a scolding. Nymphadora has been taken to the centre of things, unwilling he supposes. She’d never shown interest in girly things like wedding dresses and flower arrangements, and Remus liked that about her. He’d never really enjoyed being around girly girls, they were much too concerned with other trivial things that didn’t seem to matter to him. Mary was a bit like that, but Marlene balanced her out. Thinking about Marlene sends a pang of sadness through him, he’d lost her like he had countless others. </p><p>“Remus?” He didn’t even realize Harry was standing next to him. He jerks his head to a quiet corner and Harry follows him there.</p><p>“I’m not going back to school this year.” Remus isn’t surprised but this announcement.</p><p>“I have to figure out who R.A.B. is. And Hermione and Ron are helping.” R.A.B. He knows those initials, he’d seen those stitched onto trunks for six years.</p><p>“Regulus Arcturus Black. That’s Sirius’ brother. Where’d you hear that?” He’d heard of his death, but nothing much after that. And why would Harry be interested in a death eater?</p><p>“He stole a Horcrux, intending to destroy it.” Sirius had never lost hope for his brother, it was cruel that he didn’t get to hear of his betrayal to the dark lord.</p><p>“Remus! We need your help with the tents.” He gets up on achy legs and holds out a hand to Harry. The boy takes it and pulls him into a hug.</p><p>“In case I don’t see you again.” He’s going to leave tonight, that much is obvious. So he holds him tight for a few more seconds.</p><p>“I’ll see you on the other side.” He takes one last look at the boy who painfully resembles his father, he wonders if he’d be proud. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>was held in chains but now I’m free</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m hanging in there, don’t you see</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In this process of elimination</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Hey, little train! We are all jumping on</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The train that goes to the Kingdom</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We’re happy, Ma, we’re having fun</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s beyond my wildest expectation</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Ocean</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Very short chapter, but it would feel weird to mash this together with the rest of the story.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>But can't you see, or</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Or maybe you were the ocean</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When I was just a stone</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Black flies on the windowsill</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That we are, that we are, that we are to hold</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Comfort came against my will</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Every story must grow old</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Still, I'll be a traveller</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A gypsy's reins to face</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The blue ocean waves lapped at his feet, causing shivers to pass through his body each time. The ocean was endless, never quite meeting the dark purple of the sky. He digs his hands into the black sand and watches it spill out of his hands, like sand running in the hourglass. Time, what a funny thing that was. Faintly he hears the ticking of a clock, slow, and sometimes distorted. That’s when things got fuzzy his vision would fade in and out and the waves seemed to climb higher and higher until they towered above him. Then they swallowed him. The swallowing was the worst of it, the water stabbed like pins and needles all over his body and it filled his lungs with fire. The fire ate away at him, at his soul. He could no longer remember how long he’s been sitting at this beach, watching the waves lick at his feet. Sometimes he had visitors, a stag would often wander by and regard him with wise eyes. Sometimes it was accompanied by a doe, a beautiful thing with auburn fur. They never got close enough to touch, a dull haze surrounded them, warping their edges. He sits and watches the ocean, the clear blue water deep and expansive. When the waves swallowed him he caught a glimpse of the bright coral reefs, but he found out if you touch they burn you as well. Everything burned him, whether it be the sun or the supposed cooling waves. He hated it here, he wanted out of here. But there was only endless waves and beach. No matter how far he walked there was never an end, just more beginnings. Something feels different today, there’s a breeze and the waves look hungry. Usually, they spit him back up, but maybe they’ll keep him down today. He stands and the wind picks up, the waves grow larger. He’s never gone willingly into the water, an unspoken rule he made when he came here, but today he will break it. As if sensing their prey the waves open and welcome him, and he doesn’t look back. In his peripherals he sees them grow taller beside him, but he is not scared, he hasn’t been scared for a long time now. He keeps walking forward and the waves keep growing above him. Water-logged corpses reach out and try to grab onto his arms, but he continues to walk not passing them a glance. The further he goes the darker it gets, a big blackness sprouting from the waves. Black tendrils crawl from the ground and caress his exposed skin, they’re cold. Faint whisperings sound inside his head and the clock speeds up. Tic. Toc. Tic. Toc. He can hardly see each step he takes, but he’s not scared. He’s meant to take this path, he’s meant to be swallowed by the darkness. Tic. Toc. Tic. Toc. Each step takes him closer and closer, to what, he does not know. But he’s not scared, not anymore. He arrives at the mouth of the darkness, and he smiles.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Good old fashioned loverboy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius loved when Remus took care of him, lived for it really. He liked how Remus worried over him after a long day, and he liked when Remus would run the bath and wash his hair. Those were the moments when he knew that Remus loved him unconditionally. He knew that there was nothing they could do to each other that would damage that love. They had times when they messed up and that led to fights, but at the end of the day they always ended up in each other's arms. They loved each other, and that’s what kept Sirius going.</p><p> </p><p>It was their last hooray before James and Lily went under the Fidelius charm in a week. Sirius was scared, he was scared that he would never see them again, or they would never see him again. The missions he went on got worse and worse, and he was scared one day he wouldn’t make it home. So he drowned out his fears with alcohol, cocaine, and dancing. He lost himself to the drugs and the hot press of bodies on the crowded floor, much to the disapproval of Remus. He could feel the man’s eyes on him, burning the back of his neck, but he paid it no mind. It was hard to even get Remus here, he’d been wary of the crowds and the chance of something bad happening. Sirius understood this, but he also didn’t care. He wanted to clear his head and this was the best way to do it, Remus be damned He didn’t mean that of course, he loved Remus with everything in him. And the bodies pressing into him didn’t feel right anymore. He looks to where Remus is sitting and immediately notices the glare the man is giving him, his heart stutters in his chest. He pushes away the faceless man and hurries out the backdoor, Remus will come to find him soon. He pulls out a pack of cigarettes and brings one to his mouth with shaking fingers. He only gets a few drags before Remus is banging open the door and ripping it from his mouth. Rough hands grab his shoulders and shove him hard into the brick wall, Sirius bites back a wince. Remus grabs his chin in his hands and forces Sirius to look at him.</p><p>“You got my attention, are you happy now?” He growls out, his breath sour with beer.</p><p>“What?” Sirius chokes out, and Remus’ eyes flare yellow.</p><p>“Are you whoring yourself out because I look away for a few seconds? So desperate for cock that you’d let a stranger feel you up? I could fucking kill him, only I’m allowed to touch you.” His hand shifts from his chin to his neck and Remus squeezes, hard. The air stutters out of his lungs as Remus keeps applying pressure.</p><p>“You let that filthy animal touch you, dirty you.” His hand loosens a fraction when he sees Sirius struggling for breath. Remus’ other hand grips his wrist and lets his nails dig into the sensitive flesh. </p><p>“Stupid slut.” Sirius chokes out a struggled breath and Remus finally lets go, but his hand rears back and he slaps him. Sirius’ head snaps to the side and his eyes widen. He stares at the wet concrete outside the bar and listens to Remus’ gulping breaths. In truth, he shouldn’t have danced with that guy, he knew it would make Remus angry. It’s his own fault. Remus grips his hand and Sirius flinches back, he only catches a glimpse of his regretful face before they disapparate. Remus lets go of him as soon as they land in their flat and he steps away. Sirius stays rooted in place and stares at the scorch mark on their floor. He can hear Remus pacing and mumbling things to himself, but he stays still in fear of angering I’m more. Eventually, Remus’ feet come into view and his head is being tilted up. He lets Remus examine him and stays silent as his fingers run over the sensitive skin on his neck. Remus curses under his breath and walks away. He shouldn’t have upset Remus, he should’ve just stayed home with him like he wanted. Remus comes back and applies a salve that smells strongly of murtlap. Remus grips him by the elbow and directs him to the middle of the room. He shouldn’t have gone on that dance floor, he should’ve stayed next to Remus where he belonged. Hopefully James and Lily weren’t angry with him for bailing, he’ll have to send a letter later explaining himself. The scratch of the record player startles him and he finally looks up.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I can dim the lights and sing you songs full of sad things</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We can do the tango just for two</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I can serenade and gently play on your heartstrings</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Be your Valentino just for you</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Remus grabs his hands and puts him to his chest.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Ooh, love, ooh, loverboy</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What're you doin' tonight, hey, boy?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Set my alarm, turn on my charm</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That's because I'm a good old-fashioned loverboy</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He sways with him and kisses Sirius on the temple.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Ooh, let me feel your heartbeat (Grow faster, faster)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ooh, ooh, can you feel my love heat?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Come on and sit on my hot-seat of love</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And tell me how do you feel right after all</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He spins Sirius away and pulls him back into him, twirling them together.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I'd like for you and I to go romancing</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Say the word, your wish is my command</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ooh, love, ooh, loverboy</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What're you doin' tonight, hey, boy?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Write my letter</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Feel much better</em>
</p><p>And use my fancy patter on the telephone</p><p> </p><p>It startles a laugh out of him and he turns to see Remus’ hesitant smile.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>When I'm not with you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Think of you always</em>
</p><p>
  <em>(I miss those long hot summer nights) I miss you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When I'm not with you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Think of me always</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Love you, love you</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Remus mouths the lyrics and Sirius giggles as he spins him around again.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Hey, boy, where do you get it from?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Hey, boy, where did you go?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I learned my passion</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In the good old-fashioned</em>
</p><p>
  <em>School of loverboys</em>
</p><p> </p><p>They let go of each other and Sirius spins around the room, landing back into his lover's arms.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Dining at the Ritz we'll meet at nine precisely (One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine o'clock)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I will pay the bill, you taste the wine</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Driving back in style in my saloon will do quite nicely</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Just take me back to yours that will be fine (Come on and get it)</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sirius’ gleeful laugh rises above the music and Remus brings him into a dip.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Ooh, love (There he goes again)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>(He's my good old fashioned loverboy) Ooh, loverboy</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What're you doin' tonight, hey, boy?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Everything's all right</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Just hold on tight</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That's because I'm a good old-fashioned (fashioned) loverboy</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The final chords of the music fade out and they smile at each other, their chests rising and falling with each breath. Remus pulls him close once more and kisses him on the forehead.</p><p>“I love you so much, Sirius.” He looks into his amber eyes and lets a smile scratch his lips.</p><p>“I know.”</p><p> </p><p>Even if everything falls away he’ll know that Remus will always be by his side, no matter what.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. In the woods somewhere</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hozier. Lovely. This chapter has gore and animal killing (But in an animal sense) Like it's not someone just killing an animal.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>My head was warm</em>
</p><p>
  <em>My skin was soaked</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I called your name 'til the fever broke</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>When I awoke</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The moon still hung</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The night so black that the darkness hummed</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I raised myself</em>
</p><p>
  <em>My legs were weak</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I prayed my mind be good to me</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The first thing he registers upon regaining consciousness is the overwhelming heat. It was almost stifling and he wanted to crawl out of his skin. He pries his eyes open and scrubs at the grit he feels on his face. He squints against the sun and holds up a hand to block it, he tries to look at his surroundings but nothing seems familiar. He grits his teeth and struggles to his feet, but his human body can’t take the strain. He closes his eyes and grasps at Padfoot’s thick coat, letting it cover him. When he opens his eyes the world has dulled and his sense heightened. He puts his nose to the ground and tries to find any familiar scent. He walks in circles and zig zags through tries with his nose pressed against the ground, and after hours or minutes, he doesn’t know, he catches the faintest hint of sandalwood and the metallic scent of blood. He follows the diminishing trail until he comes upon a clearing, the iron scent makes him whimper low in his throat. If he were human, he would have vomited at the sight. The dirt was saturated with blood and it squelched up when he stepped on it. There’s a high concentration of Moony’s scent in one spot and he has the urge to roll in it, so he does. The cold wetness sticks to his skin and mattes his fur. He lets the smell encompass him and he feels calm than he did when he woke up. He shakes out his fur and continues on his hunt, his nose pressed back into the dirt. The scent suddenly disappears and he suspects apparation to be the case. He huffs and sticks his nose in the air, breathing in the scent of slaughter. He should probably go to Grimmauld Place, Remus would most likely be there. But how long had he been gone, if he’d been gone at all? He only remembers that morning, he’d been sick in bed and Remus was talking to him about music. But after that, his mind is unhelpfully blank. He can remember feeling overwhelming heat, all-consuming. What had happened? Maybe he should hold off on going back home yet, and he wasn’t eager to get back into the stifling suffocation. He’d lived in the wild before, for a year after the shack. And he much preferred it to his mother's screams and Remus’ haunting looks. He paws pad softly against the grass and he looks around for any sign of life, it seems the massacre has scared away any prey animals, much to his dismay. There’s a gnawing hunger deep in his stomach and he changes course to maybe find a rabbit. He comes across a deer lapping at a small pond in the clearing of the forest, it hasn’t noticed him yet. It would be wrong to kill it, but he was starving and it was the only animal in sight. He’d seen Moony take down a deer, one moon, it shouldn’t be that hard, they were both canines. But Padfoot wanted Moony to come and kill it for him, and bring him the hot pieces of fresh meat. He wanted Moony to look after him like he used to. He lays on the ground and rests his head on his paws softly whining. The deer’s ears perk up and it takes off running, he whines dejectedly. His fur still smells like his mate and he licks at the now crusted blood between his pads. He howls sorrowfully but receives no answering call. Padfoot wants his mate back. He curls into a protective ball and falls into a fitful sleep beside the pond.</p><p> </p><p>When he wakes the sky is dark and the stars are freckles in the sky. The air feels frigid against his fevered body and he cries out, a sharp sound in the back of his throat. He wants Moony. His stomach is rumbling uncomfortably and his tongue sticky with dehydration. He crawls with his belly low to the ground towards the tiny pond. He laps slowly at it as his eyes scan the surrounding area. Moony’s scent has completely disappeared and he realizes he’s lost. He’s never ventured far from home, far from Moony. The wolf would always be able to guide them back home, but now he was utterly alone in the dark of night. He can’t stay here, not while he’s vulnerable. With considerable effort he picks himself off the ground, his hair is stiff and painful as he begins walking. Even with the cold breeze, the heat is almost insufferable, he’s panting and drool is dripping from his muzzle. His paws drag against the dirt and each step becomes harder to manage. A faint yellow light in the distance attracts his attention and he walks with renewed vigour. Maybe if he can get somewhere safe he’ll be able to find Moony. He pants harder and finds himself stopped at the edge of the woods. Moony didn’t like going into open space, what if this ruined all chances of him being found? He huffs and slowly turns himself back around, heading back under the cover of the trees. Moony will be able to find him in the forest. Moony will come for him. Thoughts of Moony help lull him to sleep, and he can almost hear a mournful howl in the distance.</p><p> </p><p>The third time he wakes up the sun is bright and high in the sky, his sensitive eyes squint against it. He feels a bit better after getting a few hours of sleep, but the overwhelming heat still consumes him. He gets up with a pitiful whine and ventures deeper into the forest, he has to get food. He’ll eat anything at this point, just to stay alive. The scent of Moony is fainter on him than it was before and he mourns the loss of the comfort it gave him. He feels even more alone now as he attempts to catch the smell of food. The forest feels completely empty and he’s beginning to think he’ll die of starvation. A sudden noise catches his attention and he crouches low in the underbrush to observe. A small fawn comes out of the bushes and grazes on the long grass of the forest. Its parents seem to be nowhere in sight and Padfoot knows what he has to do. Staying low to the ground he slowly crawls further, staying hidden behind the leaves, the creature is too young to realize how dangerous being out in the open is. Padfoot recalls how he saw Moony hunt for him and he knows he only has one chance at this. Fawns were easier to go for because they were still unsteady on their legs and not as coordinated as their adult counterparts. Talking slow deliberate steps Padfoot creeps closer to the poor unsuspecting prey. Once he’s fully out in the open he pounces. He swats at the fawns' legs and it causes the creature to stumble, Padfoot takes the opening and sinks his teeth into the meaty flesh of its neck. The fawn makes a noise almost like a goat as blood explodes over Padfoot’s tongue. The fawn struggles for a few moments before going limp in his mouth. He only feels a niggling of guilt as he drags the deer into the cover of the leaves. He pulls and tears chunks of warm meat off the bone and swallows it all down greedily. Would Moony be proud of him? He can distantly hear the fast footfalls of the parents and hear their call for their fawn. Padfoot lets out a warning growl and they run off, saving themselves. Once his stomach is full to bursting he stops his feast and drags the corpse out of his hiding. He hopes that other predators will smell it and come finish it off, he doesn’t want the meat to go to waste. He trudges away from his kill with his sense sharper than they were. He’s going to find his Moony.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The creature lunged</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I turned and ran</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To save a life I didn't have</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Deer in the chase</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There as I flew</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Forgot all prayers of joining you</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I clutched my life</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And wished it kept</em>
</p><p>
  <em>My dearest love, I'm not done yet</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Death defying</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Just some murder, nothing to graphic.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As he walks along the woods it begins to snow. The snowflakes melt as soon as they touch his snout and he licks the moisture away. He doesn’t know how long he’s been walking for, but his legs are beginning to shake in exhaustion. His tongue hangs out of his mouth and his head is bowed low to the ground. The meat had only sustained him for a few hours, and he isn’t able to go back for more. He hoped that other animals had found it and had found sustenance from it. Though he did find it strange that he’d only seen the three animals since arriving here, he felt so alone. But he had to keep pushing, he had to keep going. Moony must be so worried about him, is he out there looking for him? He lets out a lonely howl and waits for an answer, nothing. The white powder covers the earth and makes everything look the same. He turns in circles a few times trying to get his bearings but it’s no luck, he can’t tell which way he’s come from or which way he was going. Growling in desperation he sits down and chews at his paws. The gnawing in his stomach is getting worse and he’s desperately considering eating his own foot, but a loud crack distracts him. He doesn’t have enough time to hide before three gruff men are coming into the clearing. Due to his black coat, he stands out terribly against the white snow, he’s impossible to miss. They spot him immediately and his escape is easily stopped by a stunning spell. His muscles tighten uncomfortably and his paws are rooted to the spot. The tallest of the three men approaches him and grabs him by the scruff, pulling him close. He unintentionally breathes in and fear seizes his body, it’s a werewolf. Even though Remus tried to suppress the part of him, he could easily pick up on Sirius’ erratic mood changes. And he knows the werewolves under Voldemort have a different outlook. They’ll be able to tell he’s human.</p><p>“This one’s a wizard, should we take him back to the manor?” The manor? Malfoy Manor? That is absolutely the last place he wants to be. They'd probably deliver him right too Voldemort. He fights desperately against the hold of the spell and the werewolf laughs, deep and gruff. He runs a hand down his back and grabs his tail, hard. He can’t help but let out a whimper of pain at that, which causes the werewolf to laugh more.</p><p>“Change him back, I wanna see what this mutt looks like.” Werewolves aren’t ranked high enough to be in Voldemort’s inner circle, which is where the world believed <em>him</em> to be. Would they be stupid enough to believe he was Voldemort’s right-hand man, would they let him go? The revealing spell washes over him and he feels his limbs begin to shift, it hurts. It actually fucking hurts. Burning hot agony courses through his veins and he cries out. It startles the werewolf and he takes a step back, releasing him. If it weren’t for the extreme pain he was facing he’d take this chance to escape. When his limbs are finally as they should be he hunches over and vomits onto the snow, painting it red. The other men mutter something and the werewolf grips his hair so tight that a few strands rip out.</p><p>“That’s Sirius fucking Black.” The other two men approach to get a better look, one laughs in glee.</p><p>“Bring him to the manor, the dark lord will be pleased. This is our ticket straight to the order.” He knows what he has to do, but it doesn’t make it any more difficult. He catches the glint of a knife at the man's side and he reaches for it. The pure adrenaline is the only thing that makes him fast enough to grab the knife and plunge it into the man's throat. He takes the other’s two astonishment as chance and charges and slashes at the other man. He doges out of the way and the jet of green light narrowly misses him. He growls low in his throat and lunges at the other man. They tumble to the ground with Sirius on top gripping his neck, the man chokes and splutters and for a moment Sirius sees his own face looking back. Before he can think he slashes his throat and closes his eyes as the blood sprays. He hisses in pain and picks up one of the discarded wands. He closes his eyes and brings all his concentration into the thought of not splinching himself, he’s no use to anyone if he’s dead. The wards surrounding his house compress every inch of his body and then he comes too in the foyer of Grimmauld Place. It looks the same as the day he came here after being on the run. A thick layer of dust coats every surface and the congestion in the air makes him choke. </p><p> “Remus?” He calls out hesitantly, but there’s no answer. He ventures from the entryway and into the rest of the house, it seems so much emptier than before. Things are missing from their spots and Sirius feels an unwarranted surge of anger. Even though he hated this fucking house these were his things, why would someone take his things from him? He looks around the house and notes that it looks like it hasn’t been lived in for a few months, which is odd. How long has he been gone? Where did he even go? All these questions stay unanswered as he comes to Remus’ room. He opens the door and expects to see the man lounging on his bed, maybe reading a book and sipping a tea long gone cold. But the room is empty, with a layer of dust sitting heavy on everything. There are no books on the shelves, and no empty mugs sitting stale on the desk. Even the bed is tucked tight and un-slept in. He accidentally leaves a bloody handprint on the door frame, but he doesn’t have the energy to clean it up. The burning heat returns and he clutches his head with slippery hands.</p><p>“Sirius.” He looks up sharply with causes pain in his neck,</p><p>“Mother?” Walburga Black is indeed looking down at him, a proud smile on her face.</p><p>“You’re just like us, Sirius. Can’t you see it? You can’t escape the blood on your hands.” He closes his eyes and clutches at his head, willing her to go away. She’s dead and has been for years. This isn’t real, he repeats to himself until he feels confident enough to open his eyes. She’s gone but the sense of dread she brought with her hangs heavy in the air. He eyes the spot his mother stood warily as he passes it by.</p><p>“Kreacher?” He calls out with a broken voice. It takes a few seconds but then there’s a loud crack and the wizened house-elf is standing in front of him. The elf looks surprised to see him and Sirius thinks he almost reaches out for a hug before thinking better of it. </p><p>“Master Sirius is back. Is there anything Kreacher can do for master?” He looks almost happy to see Sirius, which is odd, and he files that away to think about later.</p><p>“Can you run a bath? With lavender and vanilla?” The house-elf nods and disappears down the hallway. After a few seconds Sirius follows the calming smells to the bathroom. The tub is filled to the brim and the water glimmers with a purple hue.</p><p>“Thank you, Kreacher. If it’s no trouble could you clean the dust from the house?” Kreacher nods and his lip quirks up in a half-smile half grimace.</p><p>“Kreacher would be happy too, master Sirius.” The door clicks shut behind him and Sirius finally strips off his clothes bunching them into a pile in the corner of the room. He bypasses the mirror and carefully steps into the tub. Once he’s fully settled the grime from his body pollutes the water to a murky brown colour, but with a flick of his hand, it dissipates into the air. He relaxes into the soothing water and finally lets his body rest. He tries to put the pieces of what happened to him together but comes up short. He can only remember talking to Remus about music, and then Nymphadora came in yelling about something. A sharp stab of pain shoots through his head as he tries to concentrate, he gives up the effort and settles back into the water. He has to figure out how long he’s been gone? Asleep? Merlin, he doesn’t even know where he’s been. Frustrated when his questions draw up nothing he dunks his head under the water.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Nymphadora yelling about Harry and his friends in the ministry. Sirius tying Remus up and heading straight there. Fighting with the death eaters. Bellatrix hitting him with a spell.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He breaks the surface of the water with gasping breaths, trying to take in as much air as possible. He was in the ministry, helping Harry. Then it’s just blank. Had he maybe touched a cursed object? Had he been hit with a spell that put him into a coma? He curses at the unknowing of the whole situation, if only he could find Remus. He painfully pulls himself out of the comforting water and wraps a towel around his whole body. He looks at the clothes bundled in the corner with a frown, they were covered in grime and blood. He pads out of the bathroom and into the hallway, heading towards his room. It’s just as he left it, the sheets bunched near the end of the bed and his clothes and books haphazardly strewn about the place. He avoids all that and instead opens one of his drawers, where the clothes Remus gave him are still pristinely folded. He pulls out a faded mustard coloured hoodie and worn black jeans. The clothes absolutely swamp him and they smell a bit stale, but underneath all that, they are completely Remus. He felt the tiniest bit of comfort now that they were draped over his thin frame. Gathering up the courage he calls Kreacher to him.</p><p>“Yes, master Black?” Raising from his low bow he looks up with huge bloodshot eyes. </p><p>“What happened to me?” Kreacher wrings his hands together and nervously glances at him.</p><p>“Master Black died.” The breathe punches out of his chest and he feels himself drop to his knees. </p><p>“Master should rest. Please master, you must rest.” Sirius shakes his head and tries to push himself back up, to no avail.</p><p>“No, tell me how it happened. Kreacher, tell me!” He growls and the house-elf cowers and takes a gulping swallow.</p><p>“Master Sirius went through the veil. Harry Potter blames Kreacher.” He skips over Harry and instead lands on the veil. The Veil of Death. Jesus fuck, as Remus would say. Sirius fucking Black survived a fall through the veil of death, he survived death. Hysteric laughter bubbles out of his throat and he finds that he can’t stop laughing. Kreacher looks on worried not knowing what to do. Sirius keeps laughing until tears are streaming down his face. He tries to pull in desperate gasps but doesn’t succeed and begins to choke. Kreacher finally surges into motion and snaps his fingers, unbidden to him his eyes slip closed and he falls to the floor.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I have never known peace</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Like the damp grass that yields to me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I have never known hunger</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Like these insects that feast on me</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>A thousand teeth</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And yours among them, I know</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Our hungers appeased</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Our heartbeats becoming slow</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>We lay here for years or for hours</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Thrown here or found</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To freeze or to thaw</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So long we become the flowers</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Two corpses we were</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Two corpses I saw</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Forever was a long time ago</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This one hurts. Also the fact that Remus dies at Hogwarts, the place where he made his first friends and finally felt that he belonged, destroys me. Every song is Wolfstar if you try hard enough.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>The second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest. The laughter had not quite died from his face, but his eyes widened in shock. It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall. His body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backward through the ragged veil hanging from the arch. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>His eyes snap open and he fixates on the dark green of his ceiling, breathing heavy. He tries to bring up a hand to wipe away the sweat on his brow but it stays stubbornly in place. His racing heartbeat echoes around the room distorted and wrong. He can hear the door creak open but he can’t move his head, he can only stare helplessly at the green ceiling. The snap of the lock jolts his heart and a fuzzy feeling surrounds his head. Uneven footsteps, caused by a hip injury sustained years ago on a full moon, Sirius would know that pattern anywhere. All he can get out is a muffled version of the man's name, his lips are sealed shut. The bed dips and a weight settles on his leg. The room is unbearably hot and the touch does little to relieve it. There’s movement and the sound of cloth shifting as the man travels further up the bed. He keeps crawling up his body until they are face to face, a hair’s breadth away. He can see the expansion and contraction of his nostrils but no breath tickles his face. He can feel the dip in the bed as those large hands settle on each side of his head. One hand leaves its position and roughly grabs his cheeks, the nails digging in painfully. Fear grips his chest at the cold fury he sees in those eyes.</p><p>“You shouldn’t have come back, I was much happier without you.” He can feel the hot slide of tears against his cheek, but his hands are useless. He doesn’t want to believe the things being said, but some part of him does. Near the end all they did was provoke each other, all they did was fight. But they loved each other, <em>they loved each other</em>.</p><p>“I hurt you because you deserved it, you understand that, right?” If he could move he would have nodded his head. Remus did it out of love, he just wanted Sirius to be better.</p><p>“But you were too broken, not even I could love you.” The words hurt, they fucking hurt. But it’s the truth, isn’t it? If his own bloody parents couldn’t love him, why would Remus? Perfect, beautiful Remus, who he didn’t deserve. The fingers dig in sharply then the grip is gone, and the man crawls away. The door clicks shut and the tension leaves his body. His fingers twitch and then he’s bringing his hands up to his mouth to push down his sobs.</p><p> </p><p>When he’s fully awake the next day he studies the bloody indents left by the fingernails in his cheeks. The skin is red and raised and stings with every quirk of his skin. He runs a hand through his knotted hair and shuts his eyes tight. He curses and moves out of the bathroom and towards his mother’s bedroom. He tears apart the drawers looking for a specific thing he knows is in there. He could almost cry with relief when he finds it, an ornate silver box with a ruby-encrusted clasp. He pops it open and his lips quirk up in an almost smile as he stares at the white powder. He picks up the silver spoon and scoops a good amount onto her ebony wood nightstand. He then takes the silver card and divides it into three roughly even rows. Without anymore ceremony, he plugs his left nostril and sucks in the white powder. The feeling is instantaneous, his nerve endings light up in pleasure and he involuntarily moans. His toes and fingers tingle with the effect as he snorts the other two rows. Once he’s done he lays on his back and stares up at the swirling patterns of the ceiling. It had been over 13 years since he’d had an all-encompassing high like this. Near the time Lily was pregnant James had given him an ultimatum; quit, or stay out of Harry’s life. Remus hadn’t minded, even partook in it sometimes when the moon was hard on him. He’d actually been rejected from Auror training because of it, but he didn’t care about that, it gave him more time with his Moony. He doesn’t know how long he lays there before the chime of the wards checks him out of his head. Was an order member here? He quietly curses and gets up to his feet, bracing his hand on the doorframe as his mind sways. He can hear the heavy steps coming up the floor and he doesn’t know whether he should hide or not. He’s supposed to be dead. He’d probably be stunned and brought straight to Ministry, or if he was unlucky they’d just kill him again. The decision seems to have been made for him as Remus comes face to face with him. Remembering this morning’s dream he instinctively flinches back. There’s no time for words as Remus lunges at him and secures a scarred hand around his throat.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Remus and an unfamiliar man are facing each other, breathing heavily. Sweat mingles with blood as it slicks down their bodies, staining their clothes and skin. Remus is tired, out of practice, he doesn’t stand a chance. The man advances and his wand creates a purple arc in the sky.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Rumposempra!” There isn’t enough time for Remus to throw up a shield the protect himself, and the purple slash travels right through his body. At first, nothing happens, and the relief is evident on his face, but it’s short-lived. A mingled look of pain and fear pass across his face as he clutches at his stomach. He doesn’t even let out a sound as he crumples to the ground, dead.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He comes back to himself as he’s roughly slammed against the wall, a death grip on his esophagus He tries to choke out a semblance of words but Remus’s hold doesn’t waver and all that comes out is a choked wheeze.</p><p>“Who the fuck are you!” He demands, the wolf so clearly close to the surface. For a split second, Sirius is scared Remus will actually kill him, but the coke dulls his concern for his own life. The hand loosens just enough for him to get a few words out.</p><p>“Sirius Orion Black.” Remus lets out a menacing growl and completely unbidden of his mind, he feels his cock stir in his jeans.</p><p>“Sirius Black is dead. Now tell me, who the fuck are you.” Of course, it wouldn’t be easy to convince the most skeptical man alive that he’s just miraculously come back from the dead. So he’ll just have to prove it to him.</p><p>“Ask me. Something I know.” The words are choked and barely understandable but Remus gets the message.</p><p>“When was your first time?” That night was seared in his memory, untouchable by dementors. It wasn’t how all those witch weekly magazines had described your first time to be like. It wasn’t gentle and sweet, it was rough and left him bleeding.</p><p>“New Year's Eve, James’ house.” Remus’ eyes widen a fraction and Sirius realizes that he never told Remus this. He’d had a girlfriend before they got together, but he’d never done anything with her, it just didn’t feel right.</p><p>“You’re the only person I’ve ever loved.” His grip has slackened enough for Sirius to get the breathy words out, and Remus jumps back as if he’s been burned.</p><p>“How the fuck are you here? I watched you <em>die</em>, Sirius. I watched you fucking <em>die</em>!” He runs his hands through his air and a few grey strands flitter to the floor. </p><p>“I don’t know. I don’t know what happened.” He sighs, defeated. Maybe it’s a good thing that he can’t remember his time in the veil, however long that was. He’d probably go completely insane if he unlocked those memories.</p><p>“We’ll go to Dumbledore! He’ll know what to do.” Sirius says experimentally. Of course, Dumbledore would know what to do, but would Sirius like what he had to say? He’d most likely be locked back up in this house until the war was finished.</p><p>“Dumbledore is dead.” Dumbledore can't be dead, he’s the most powerful bloody wizard in the UK. How could he be dead? Sirius shakes his head and Remus gives him a pitying look, Sirius hates it.</p><p>“How long have I been gone?” He whispers, not sure if he really wants to hear the answer.</p><p>“Almost two years.” Remus’s voice cracks halfway through and his hands shake before he hides them behind his back. At least in Azkaban, he was aware of the days passing by, the time he was losing. But this had been a blink of an eye, hardly even a second.</p><p>“This is fucking insane. This can’t fucking be real.” He twits his hands into his knotted hair and pulls until he feels the sharp pain, it helps to ground him. Remus looks on with wary eyes and takes an apprehensive step back.</p><p>“Let’s get out of here. Fuck, let’s just leave and hide out the rest of the war. We’ll be together and everything will be ok again.” They’ll fix the mistakes they made the first time, and everything will be ok again. It has to be ok. As long as Remus is with him he’ll be ok.</p><p>“Sirius,” His voice is pained.</p><p>“It’s been two years, and I can’t just abandon this war, I have to fight. And, I’m with someone.” The last part is whispered, but to Sirius, it's as if he screamed them. He knows who it is, he’d seen it developing. And apparently, his death was the final push.</p><p>“Do you love her?” Why does he have to torture himself like this? Remus looks at him with sad eyes and slowly nods his head. He doesn’t know what overtakes him, maybe the urge to prove that no one can be as good as him. That no one could ever compare. He launches forward and kisses him. There’s a few seconds of stillness, then Remus's fingers are threading through his air and a hand on his waist is pulling him close. Everything clicks into place and he feels whole again as Remus tongue swipe over his mouth. He doesn’t hesitate to moan and grant him access to his mouth. But it’s over much too quickly, and Remus shoves him away. His back hits the wall and he hisses at the sharp twinge of pain.</p><p>“What the fuck are you doing? We <em>can’t</em> do this. <em>I</em> can’t do this.” He puts his hand's in front of him as if to shield him from Sirius.</p><p>“Can’t you see? Can’t you see how much I love you?” He tries desperately, he’s nothing without Remus.</p><p>“Love me? Jesus, Sirius. We don’t even know each other.” Every word slices through him. Hadn’t they known each other the best? Hadn’t they been everything to each other, or was that all a lie?</p><p>“You don’t know Nymphadora, yet you say you love her.” He fires back, trying to cause as much pain as Remus.</p><p>“I’ve known her for two years, we’re not strangers.” If he hadn’t been stupid enough to lose his concentration if he hadn’t been stupid enough to slip through that blasted veil. They could’ve fixed their relationship, they could’ve <em>had</em> a relationship. The tears pour down his face but he steadfastly ignores them.</p><p>“I had you for nine years, or do you not remember? I had you first you, that bitch is nothing to you.” I was your first friend, he thinks to himself. Does it all mean nothing? Has all they been through just meant nothing in the end?</p><p>“Don’t talk about her like that” He’d liked her at one point, but now all he feels for his cousin is a seething rage. How could she? How could she take the only thing that matters from him?</p><p>“Did you even care that I died? Or were you happy to finally be rid of me?” He finally sees a flicker of regret, in those honey-coloured eyes. Remus doesn’t say anything for a while, and Sirius feels himself break, piece by piece.</p><p>“Don’t say that, that’s not what I meant.” He whispers, voice like steel.</p><p>“We made a vow, Remus. Or do you conveniently forget?” It’s one of the few happy memories he fought to hold on to, but now he fears its tainted like the rest.</p><p>“<em>You</em> made a vow, not me.” He staggers with the force of the words and leans back against the wall, fighting valiantly not to break down right this moment.</p><p>“I have a life now, a son. You can’t ask me to abandon all that, and besides, you were gone. What was I supposed to do? To sit around and morn until the grave? Throw away what little life I’ve made for myself, all because you weren’t there? Believe it or not, Sirius, you’re not my everything! I moved on, and I suggest you do the same.” But you were my everything, he wants to say, but he can’t find the words. Deep down, he always kinda knew that Remus would leave him one day. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less.</p><p>“A son?” He asks, his voice wet with tears. Remus only nods and refuses to look at him. He guesses he understands, Nymphadora is everything he wasn’t.</p><p>“You promised me forever.” He stares at Remus, willing him to look him in the eyes.</p><p>“Forever is for fairytales.” And only then, as he’s walking away, does he meet Sirius’ eye.</p><p>“You’re name’s been cleared, you’re free.” He turns and then he’s gone with a <em>pop</em>. His body finally gives and he slides down the wall, hugging his knees to his chest. And he sobs, he screams and he pulls at his hair as he feels his heart break.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh, and I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Cause you said forever now I drive alone past your street</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Red lights</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Stop signs</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I still see your face</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In the white cars</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Front yards</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Can't drive past the places</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We used to</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Go to</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Cause I still fucking love you, babe</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Forever</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Need a break from the angst? I'll give you some smut and fluff, as a treat. But tiny bit angsty towards the end.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Everything was perfect. They hadn’t fought in over a week, and their bodies and thoughts seemed to be perfectly synced up. But of course, Sirius had to ruin the good feeling by opening his stupid mouth.</p><p>“Have you ever thought of having children?” The thought had been plaguing him for a while now. Ever since James announced that Lily was pregnant he couldn't stop thinking about it. Remus chokes on his tea and looks up at Sirius.</p><p>“What?” Sirius sighs, suddenly feeling embarrassed for even bringing it up.</p><p>“Have you ever wanted kids?” He shouldn’t have said anything, he should have just kept his mouth shut.</p><p>“We can’t have children. We’re in the middle of a war, Padfoot.” Lily getting pregnant had been an accident, and she and James had wholeheartedly agreed this was no time to raise a child.</p><p>“I didn’t mean right now, I just meant in the future.” He shrugs his shoulders, trying to make it seem that he doesn’t care as much as he actually does. Remus can see right through him, but they’ve never been ones to mince words with each other.</p><p>“I don’t want children, not now, not ever.” Sirius’ face falls at the answer, but he quickly schools his expression into indifference. He’d expected this answer, but maybe a small part of him had hoped he would have changed his mind. He’d have loved to raise a baby with Remus, to have something that was the best of the both of them.</p><p>“Yeah, that was a stupid thought.” Remus fixes him with a sharp gaze and Sirius feels as if he’s looking into his very soul.</p><p>“It's not stupid, it’s just not something I’d ever be interested in.” Sirius pushes the food around his plate, no longer hungry. Remus notices this and places his mug on the table, getting up and walking over to him. He stands beside Sirius’ chair and pulls his head into his stomach, lightly running his fingers through his hair.</p><p>“It’s not you, Sirius. I just, with my condition I don’t feel safe. And I can’t bring a child into that.” Sirius knows not to argue with Remus on this subject, he’s lost one too many battles. Instead, he turns his head into the soft fabric of Remus’ jumper and breathes in the scent that is uniquely him.</p><p>“I love you.” His voice is muffled in the fabric but Remus hears it nonetheless. He chuckles and presses a light kiss to the top of Sirius’ head.</p><p>“I love you too.” He pulls Sirius up and spins them around so that Sirius’ back is pressed against their kitchen counter. Remus looks down at him and his lips quirk up a bit. He places a hand on Sirius’ hip and the other threads through his hair.</p><p>“You’re so beautiful.” He whispers, and Sirius feels his cheeks heat. Remus’ thumb rubs circles on his hipbone as he gazes lovingly into Sirius’ eyes. He could write essays on how beautiful the depths of Remus’ eyes are, could wax poetry for hours. Remus’ grip tightens in his hair and he finally brings their lips together. They fit together so perfectly like they were made for each other. Remus runs his tongue against the seam of his lips and Sirius easily grants him access. He moans as their tongues slide against each other, and the taste of Remus coats his mouth. Remus slots his knee in between Sirius’ legs and encourages him to rut against him. Sirius lets out a breathy moan at the action and his hands move up to grip Remus’ arms.</p><p>“Are you gonna fuck me, Moony?” Remus growls into his neck and gives him an affectional nip. It causes him to jolt further into the pressure of Remus’ leg and he cries out.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah I will.” With strength, he doesn’t look to have, he lifts Sirius by the ass and tells him to wrap his legs. As Remus carries him to their bedroom Sirius licks and bites at his neck, deliberately leaving marks. Remus kicks the door shut behind him and unceremoniously tosses him on the bed. Sirius wastes no time in shucking off his jeans and pants, then tossing his shirt to the corner of the room. Remus watches him with rapt attention and a predatory glare.</p><p>“Look at you.” After undressing, Remus crawls up his body, all while leaving little love bites in his wake. Without needing to be asked Sirius clasps his arms above his head, granting Remus permission to do anything he wants. He mutters a wandless spell and Sirius gasps as he’s stretched and slicked. Usually, he liked to have Remus’ fingers take him apart, but right now he’s too desperate for anything else.</p><p>“Look so good like this,” Remus whispers as he aligns his cock. As he pushes in Sirius breathes out, his eyes screwed shut in pleasure. Remus digs his nails into his thighs as he waits a moment for Sirius to adjust.</p><p>“Fuck, you were made for this.” He says before he starts to thrust in earnest. Sirius cries out as he feels the drag of Remus's cock over his sensitive walls, and Remus watches him with hooded eyes. He hooks Sirius’ leg over his shoulder and pushes the other one against Sirius’ chest, this causes him to thrust in even deeper.</p><p>“So good, Moony. So good.” Remus speeds up at the encouragement of Sirius’ words and high breathy moans. He’s having trouble keeping his hands to himself when all he wants to do is scratch down Remus's back and cling onto him.</p><p>“Oh God, harder, please!” He finally gives up his mental battle and lets his hands cling onto Remus’ back.</p><p>“Fuck, so tight. You’re mine.” He rakes his nails down Remus’ back as Remus bites over the old scar. The skin easily gives against his sharper than normal teeth and Sirius moans at the sharp stab of pain and the heat of the blood running down his shoulder. It pools in his collar bone and Remus eagerly licks it up as his thrusts become erratic.</p><p>“I’m so close, Rem, fuck.” Finally, Remus’ hand closes around his cock and he jerks him fast in time with his thrusts.</p><p>“Fuck, I’m gonna,” He’s cut off with a moan as his orgasm washes over him. Remus isn’t far behind and he thrusts into him three more times before he stills. Remus licks over the wound again and then pulls out with a slight hiss from Sirius. He can feel Remus’ spunk run down the inside of his thigh and he groans. Remus notices this and he gathers it in his finger before bringing it to Sirius’ mouth. He eagerly opens and licks the digits clean, all while keeping steady eye contact.</p><p>“You’re ethereal, Sirius.” Remus settles himself beside Sirius and pulls him into him, tucking Sirius’ head under his chin.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I knew you were uncomfortable and I still brought it up.” Remus silences him with a kiss on the head.</p><p>“It’s alright, love.” His arms come to wrap around Remus’ waist and he burrows deeper into his warmth.</p><p>“You’re my everything, Remus. You’re all I ever need.” Remus’ hand traces random patterns onto his sweaty back and hums under his breath.</p><p>“I want to spend forever with you. Can we do that?” He lets hopefulness tinge his voice.</p><p>“Of course. We’ll have more than forever.” He sniffles and he can feel the concerned look Remus gives him.</p><p>“No matter what lifetime, I’ll always find you. There’s not a world in which I’m not with you.” His words are muttered into Remus's scarred chest, his breath causing goose pimples.</p><p>“I love you so much, Sirius. So fucking much.” They fall asleep like that, tangled together, sharing the same breath.</p><p> </p><p>It’s over a decade later, that Sirius wonders if Remus was just saying those in post-sex bliss. He wonders if they were just empty words to him when they meant everything to Sirius. And he finds himself asking, what did I do wrong, that she did right?</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Love of my life, you've hurt me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You've broken my heart, and now you leave me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Love of my life, can't you see?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Bring it back, bring it back</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Don't take it away from me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Because you don't know</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What it means to me</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. The sick</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Lots of vomit, and general grossness. Also not so happy thoughts. And thank you so much for all the wonderful comments, it really makes my day to read you guys's thoughts on my work. :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He doesn’t move from his spot on the wall, he <em>can’t</em> move. Horrible cramps have seized his limbs and any movement makes him nauseous and brings bile up his throat. So he lays there, crying out in pitiful whines, begging for someone to come save him. But no one comes. He’s alone, alone, alone. Only Remus knows he’s alive, and Sirius knows he’s not coming back anytime soon. Though he still holds out hope, maybe Remus will realize that he needs Sirius. So he lays on the floor, clutching his stomach and clenching his eyes during sporadic stomach cramps. He can’t even move a few meters to the floo, he doesn’t even know if it would work. He’s probably going to die here, alone on the floor in a house he hates. He doesn’t think he can survive death a second time. Would anyone find his body? Or would he just rot until the house stank with it? A shudder passes through his body and he sicks up stomach acid, it pools in his hair and he finds he doesn’t care. He didn’t know heartbreak could hurt this bad.</p><p> </p><p>After what feels like days, he thinks it’s something more than heartbreak. His body fucking <em>aches</em> and his head is pounding, even blinking his eyes leaves a residual burn. He <em>needs</em> to get help, but he doesn’t <em>want</em> it. What is the point of living, if Remus doesn’t want him? He has no life without Remus, he has nothing without him. <em>I love you so much, Sirius. So fucking much. </em>How could he say that, only to revoke it years later? He doesn’t understand, he doesn’t <em>want</em> to understand. He just wants Remus to come back, and hold him in his arms and tell him everything is going to be ok.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Remus and an unfamiliar man are facing each other, breathing heavily. Sweat mingles with blood as it slicks down their bodies, staining their clothes and skin. Remus is tired, out of practice, he doesn’t stand a chance. The man advances and his wand creates a purple arc in the sky.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Rumposempra!” There isn’t enough time for Remus to throw up a shield the protect himself, and the purple slash travels right through his body. At first, nothing happens, and the relief is evident on his face, but it’s short-lived. A mingled look of pain and fear pass across his face as he clutches at his stomach. He doesn’t even let out a sound as he crumples to the ground, dead.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Over and over again, the scene assaults his mind. Whenever he closes his eyes he sees it, Remus lying dead. He doesn’t know what it means, is it the future? Or just some sick scene his brain has made up in his grief? He wants it to stop, he wants it all to fucking stop. The pain, the grief, the misery. Maybe if he lays here long enough it’ll happen. He cries, he cries until the tears dry up and his heaving sobs turn into puking. The floor is covered in his retched stomach bile and it stinks with rot. If he doesn’t die from the pain, he’ll surely be done in by the acid hanging thick in the air. He doesn’t know how long he’s been laying here. He wants to die, he wants to die, die, die! It hurts, it hurts so fucking bad. He wants it to stop, stop, stop! He wants Remus, Remus, Remus. If only he were here. He would draw him a nice bath and wash his hair, maybe hum a song to fill the silence. Remus would make him feel better, would help him. Even through the pain, he hums to himself, but the melody comes out all wrong. He has to get to Remus. Breathing heavily he drags his aching body towards the fireplace. There’s hardly any powder left and it only creates weak little flames.</p><p>“Andromeda Tonks.” His voice cracks and his throat aches, but the flames flare green and carry him away.</p><p> </p><p>Remus is seating in a worn chair when he comes out of the fire. He almost drops the book he was reading and turns angry eyes to Sirius. </p><p>“Think ‘m dying.” He vomits onto the sitting rug, it’s red. Remus is up in a second and turns his chin up to him. His eyes are scared, and his mouth is pulled down in a frown.</p><p>“Sirius? What’s wrong?” His eyes roam over his body as Sirius chokes on even more vomit. It dribbles out of his mouth and the droplets stain his hands red.</p><p>“Hurts.” Is all he can muster as his body is racked with another shudder. Remus swears under his breath and scoops Sirius into his arms. The sudden movement causes him to be sick again and it stains Remus’ jumper. He’ll apologize when he doesn’t feel like the grim reaper’s got his icy grip on him.</p><p>“I’m going to the hospital,” Remus shouts and his voice echoes in Sirius’ head long after the words are spoken. Being in Remus’ arms helps the pain somewhat but his mind is on fucking fire. The jolt of apparition makes him feel as if his body is being torn apart and put back together again.</p><p>“Shhh, I’m so sorry, but I had to get you here quick.” His voice is so gentle, so <em>nice. </em>This isn’t st. Mungo’s, he realizes as he looks around. He’d been to a muggle hospital before when he had to get his stomach pumped. Remus and the nurse talk but the words are a jumbled mess in his head. Next thing he knows Remus’ comforting touch is leaving as he’s being laid on a stretcher. His brain flares and he involuntarily cries out in agony. He wants Remus with him, touching him. He needs him close, needs him so, so bad. He watches Remus’s worried face and he tries to reach out to him, but his body fails to obey his brains' command. Remus catches him watching and offers a tense smile, it looks more like a grimace. </p><p>“Please stay, I don’t want to die alone.” He whispers as his eyes fall shut, the world falling away.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And hey, you, don't you think it's kinda cute</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That I (I) died (died) right inside your arms tonight</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That I'm fine even after I have died</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Because it was in your arms I died</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I cry in the afterlife</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I cry hard because I have died</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And you're alive</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I try to escape afterlife</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I try hard to get back inside</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Your arms alive</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. The sick: part 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>They are so incredibly toxic, but so in love. I've been feeling super unmotivated lately so this is a bit of a filler chapter before I get back to present Sirius.</p><p>SIDE NOTE:</p><p>I probably won't post a new chapter until the weekend.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He’d come back, after weeks of staying away, he’d decided to come back. Well he hadn’t really thought it through, he’d taken something and he needed somewhere to crash. But he did really want to come back to Remus, to their home. He missed him terribly and everything felt so <em>wrong</em> without him. He felt wrong without him like everything was off-balance like his organs had stopped working. He stumbles into their apartment and calls out,</p><p>“Remus? Are you home?” There’s no answer and Sirius slumps against the doorframe. </p><p>“Fuck.” He whispers into the empty air. He drags his duffle inside and braces his hand on the wall for support as his head spins. He’d used the last of his money to buy some coke off a dodgy man in downtown London. His head is filled with cotton and his mouth is basically the Sahara desert. He leaves his duffel in the kitchen and heads to the bathroom to search for Remus’ after moon meds. He’ll replace them later, but right now he needs them more. He opens the medicine cabinet and rummages around until he finds a clear orange bottle. He pops the cap and scoops out three little blue pills. He swallows them with a quick spray from the tap and he grips the sink when his head throbs. He screws his eyes shut and waits for the pain to subside. Fuck, he really wants Remus to come home. He sprays his burning face with water and curses when it does nothing to alleviate it. He finally releases his white knuckle grip on the porcelain sink and stumbles back into the living room. He trips over his duffle bag and lands sprawled out on the tiny, dirty rug they bought when they first moved in. He finds his eyes closing and he tries to fight against it. He read that somewhere when you have a concussion you shouldn’t sleep. He doesn’t think he has a concussion though, but he probably shouldn’t fall asleep with the agony burning through his head. But he wants to go to sleep so bad.</p><p> </p><p>He can’t breathe, he can’t fucking breath. He coughs and splutters until he has the idea to turn to his side. His stomach spasms a few times and then he’s puking onto their rug. The mustard yellow is stained an ugly brown mixture, and he mourns the loss of it. They’ll definitely have to throw it away. He heaves a few more times and shudders as his stomach clenches around the emptiness. He wants Remus, he wants Remus so, so bad. Why can’t he come home already? What if something bad’s happened to him? And all Sirius can do is lay on the floor and wallow in his own pain? How fucking awful is he? Embarrassingly, he begins to cry. He cries like a baby cries out for its mother.</p><p>“Remus!” He calls out with a wet voice. And just like magic the door clicks open, and Remus walks in. It doesn’t even take a second for him to notice, as soon as the door is open he’s rushing to Sirius’ side.</p><p>“Fuck, what happened?” Remus kneels by him and pulls Sirius half onto his lap, brushing back his hair.</p><p>“Feel sick.” He mumbles. Remus holds open his eyes and checks each one with great care.</p><p>“Are you sober?” Ashamed of himself, he averts his eyes and slowly nods his head. Remus doesn’t look mad, just disappointed, and that hurts him more.</p><p>“Took pills, from the cabinet.” He mumbles and Remus’ eyes go wide. He curses under his breath and runs to the bathroom. He comes back seconds later holding the clear orange bottle, rattling it in his hands.</p><p>“How many? I won’t be mad, just tell me how many.” Sirius holds up three of his fingers and Remus’ hand tightens on his shoulder.</p><p>“Fuck, ok, shit. I have to get you to the hospital.” Remus bites his lip and seems to be working through something in his head.</p><p>“I’m so sorry.” He grabs Sirius’ shoulders and disapparates. </p><p>He vomits onto the concrete the second they get back on solid ground. </p><p>“I’m sorry, but I had to get you here fast.” He scoops Sirius into his arms and has his head rest on his shoulder. Sirius kind of checks out as Remus talks to the nurses and he lets his eyes close. He’s suddenly jerked awake by a rough hand and he looks at Remus for guidance.</p><p>“It’s going to be ok. They’re going to pump your stomach, it’s standard, nothing will go wrong. I can’t come in with you, but I’ll be there as soon as you’re awake, ok?” He whimpers low in his throat and watches Remus’ expression fall. He takes his hand and kisses his palm.</p><p>“Everything is going to be ok. They’re going to take good care of you.” He tucks Sirius’ hair behind his ear and gives him an adoring look. He bites back his next whine and lets the nurses wheel him away.</p><p> </p><p>Three days, he had to stay in the hospital for three days. Those days were awful, Remus could only stay for a few hours at a time and he had to spend the nights alone. He didn’t get good sleep when he was alone. But today he’s being released, he’s going back to Remus. He signs some paperwork and pays some bills, and then he’s back in Remus’ arms. Remus helps him into their beat-up green Volkswagen.</p><p>“You drove the car for me?” He rasps. They never really drove it, it had been an impulse buy on Sirius’ part. And Remus thought it was ugly.</p><p>“Didn’t want to apparate you in your condition.” He kisses him on the cheek and closes the door, making his way to the driver’s side. Remus switches on the radio and shifts the car into gear. They don’t talk, just listen to the radio in silence, which is odd for them, or at least Sirius. But his throat has been rubbed raw and he feels a little queasy. Soon enough they pull into the parking lot and Remus rushes to his door to open it. He grabs Sirius’ hand and helps him up what feels like thousands of steps. Once they’re in the door Remus slams it shut and hits his fist against it. The loud crack makes him jump and he takes a cautionary step back from the man. Remus turns around with a terrified look in his eyes.</p><p>“It’s not you, I was just so scared. God, I could have lost you, Sirius. How long were you on the floor? How long had you been here alone?” Remus takes two big steps towards him and envelopes him in his warmth. Sirius instantly relaxes into the touch and lets Remus tuck his head into his shoulder.</p><p>“I love you so much, and I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.” Sirius pulls away slightly and looks into those amber eyes.</p><p>“I’m sorry I left, I’m so sorry. I’ll never leave again, I can’t live without you.” Remus cups the back of his head and brings him in for a tender kiss.</p><p>“I forgive you. Now let me look after you.” He scoops Sirius into his arms again and brings him to their bedroom. He lays him gently on the bed and tucks the sheets tight around him. Sirius feels a warmth blossom in his chest and he smiles dopily at Remus.</p><p>“Gonna be my nurse? Gonna give me a sponge bath?” Remus sticks his tongue out at him and lays down next to him, pulling Sirius close.</p><p>“I want to take care of you. Will you let me do that? I’ll rub you down with a sponge, get you all soapy.” Sirius chuckles and burrows deeper into the love of his life.</p><p>“You’ll look after me? Just like always.” Remus kisses his temple and brushes his hair back.</p><p>“Just like always.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I'm Mr. Loverman</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I miss my lover, man</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'm Mr. Loverman</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh, and I miss my lover</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The ways in which you talk to me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Have me wishin' I were gone</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The ways that you say my name</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Have me runnin' on and on</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. I'll do better</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I was thinking of setting up a posting schedule, like probably every Sunday? Also hospital stuff and possessive behaviour.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His heart had almost stopped when Sirius had flooed into his living room smelling like vomit and piss. He’d looked as if he was on death’s doorstep, and Remus felt like it was all his fault. He’d panicked, picked the man up and disapparated to the nearest hospital. He hadn’t given Nymphadora any warning and had left her with her mother, but he wasn’t thinking about her now. He had to focus all his attention on Sirius.</p><p>“Sir? Are you his family? Brother?” Remus scrubs a hand over his face and realizes with dawning horror.</p><p>“I’m all he has.” The nurse gives him a hard look and aggressively marks something down on the chart.</p><p>“Has he been staying with you?” Remus averts his eyes to the floor, ashamed of himself.</p><p>“He’s been by himself. I last saw him two weeks ago.” The nurse's eyebrows raise and she fixes him with a deadly glare.</p><p>“Did you know he was sick?” He had noticed that something was wrong, but not in the moment. He’d been so absorbed in his problems, in his own life, that he hadn’t noticed the glaring red flag. </p><p>“No, I didn’t.” She rolls her eyes and scribbles on the chart.</p><p>“We’re going to run some tests, and we’ll have to keep him in overnight for sure. We’ll set up a cot for you in his room.” She leaves no room for argument, and Remus knows that he <em>will</em> be staying the night. He doesn’t want to leave anyway, he almost threw a fit when they took him for a CAT-scan and he couldn’t come. The nurse leaves after showing him to the room, she gives him a stingy blanket that smells vaguely of old people, he guesses he deserves it. The door clicks shut behind him and he buries his head in his hands. He’d smelt the fever on him, but he chose to ignore it. He saw the burning in his eyes and could feel it, taste it, yet he chose to ignore it. If Sirius dies it’s his fault, it’s his fucking fault. God, how could he have been so fucking stupid? Before the veil he’d seen the sickness building, it had been thick in the air. And when he’d seen Sirius again it had festered and grown, polluting his blood. And he’d sat by and let it happen. He doesn’t know how long he sits there until the nurse comes back into the room.</p><p>“He’ll be in, in a second. I’m just going to explain to you what’s wrong.” He nods and she hands him a glass of water, he sets it aside and clasps his hands in his lap.</p><p>“Both his kidneys are infected, and he’s got a urinary tract infection. There’s severe bruising around his neck and torso. And he’s got secondary Encephalitis, which is when an infection elsewhere in the body travels to the brain. It’s not looking good for you, Mr. Lupin.” He sighs and runs his hands through his hair.</p><p>“He had a substance abuse problem, in the past.” He thinks it’s worth mentioning, it definitely is. He can’t go down the road again with him, he can’t watch Sirius destroy himself, not again.</p><p>“What substances?” She asks and pulls out her clipboard again.</p><p>“Um, cocaine, maybe some other street drugs. And he used to take my prescribed pain killers, um, Oxycodone.” She crosses something out and quickly writes another thing down.</p><p>“Thanks for telling, oh, and another thing. There’s camera’s all around this room, I’ll be watching you.” And with that, she leaves. He’s not alone for long though, as the doctor wheels in a bed. Sirius looks so small, surrounded by the stark white sheets. His eyes are open, and they stay fixed on Remus as they wheel him by. Remus watches in mounting dread as the doctor hooks Sirius up to various machines and liquids. He looks so small, so fragile like he could break at any touch. The doctors clip his chart to the end of the bed and nod at Remus, then leaves the room. Once his footsteps have disappeared Remus finally gets up and walks to Sirius’ bedside.</p><p>“How are you?” Sirius looks up at him with big blue eyes, full of confusion. It breaks his heart to see the feeding tube coming out of his nose, to see the pallor of his skin against his ink-black hair. Against his better judgement, he kneels on the floor and rests his head on Sirius’ rising stomach. He stays like that for a few moments, just basking in the feel of Sirius being <em>alive. </em>God, how had he left this man alone for so long? How had he sat by and watched Sirius deteriorate? No longer, he’ll stay by his bedside until Sirius is healed and healthy. He’ll hand feed him soup and wash him with a goddamn sponge if he has to. After a few seconds, Sirius’ hand settles in his hair, and his nimble fingers work through the loose curls.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” He says, and Sirius huffs. After his knees get achy he braces his hand on the railing and lifts his body up. Sirius watches him all the while as Remus settles in the dingy plastic chair. The tube looks uncomfortable and Sirius’ fingers periodically picks at it, after the fourth time Remus slaps his hand away.</p><p>“Stop, you’re just going to irritate it more.” He finds it odd that Sirius hasn’t spoken a word since showing up in his living room.</p><p>“Sirius? Tell me you’re ok.” Sirius is still for a second then he slowly nods, Remus feels himself frown.</p><p>“The truth, Sirius.” It takes a few more seconds, but then Sirius’ eyes fill with tears and he shakes his head. Remus can feel his heartbreak, he gets up from the shitty plastic chair and nudges Sirius gently to the side. He crawls in beside him, being mindful of the tubes and wires connecting him to the machines. Sirius gives him a curious look before his face disappears into Remus’ oversized sweater. Remus wraps his long gangly arms around Sirius’ body and pulls him close.</p><p>“I’m here now, alright? I’m right here.” He feels the man finally relax, and he threads his hand through Sirius’ once silky hair. Though now it’s knotted and greasy and reaches all the way to the middle of his back, he wonders how long it would be if he carefully combed it out and washed it. He gently runs his hand up and down his back and listens to his breathing even out. It rattles in his lungs and he can feel Sirius’ body shake with it his left-hand crawls down his body and he grasps his wand hidden in his waistband. He mutters a simple warming charm and his breathing smooths out again. Once he’s sure that he’s asleep Remus presses a gentle kiss to Sirius’ forehead.</p><p>“I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll do better.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>'Сause you are loved</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You are loved more than you know</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I hereby pledge all of my days</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To prove it so</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Though your heart is far too young to realize</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The unimaginable light you hold inside</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I'll give you everything I have</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'll teach you everything I know</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I promise I'll do better</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I will always hold you close</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But I will learn to let you go</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I promise I'll do better</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sirius is released from the hospital a week later, and Remus hasn’t let him out of sight once. He helps his frail body go to the washroom and he scrubs Sirius down in the showers. He basically did the doctor's job, except for the medicine, he was too scared of fucking it up. He has to stops a growl from bubbling up every time someone got too close to Sirius. Nymphadora is coming to pick him up and he’s irrationally terrified. She’s his wife, he shouldn’t be scared of telling her that Sirius. (His former lover) is back from the dead and that he’s going to be living with them for an undefined amount of time. And not to mention that she’s due any day now with their <em>son</em>. He curses and pinches the bridge of his nose pulling Sirius closer into his body. He hasn’t spoken the entire time they’ve been in the hospital, he’s genuinely worried. Even after coming back from Azkaban Sirius had never been silent for so long, not even in sleep. But now, the only sound coming out of him was his rattling breath and periodic whines. He wraps his arm protectively around Sirius’ shorter frame and tells him that she’s here. Sirius’ expression darkens and he looks to the ground, dejected. </p><p>“Holy shit!” Dora comes running out of the car and stops and stares and Sirius. He glares at her and burrows deeper into Remus’ sweater. One hand is wrapped protectively around her swelled belly and she hobbles over to them and pulls Sirius into a hug. He stiffens and his arms hang awkwardly by his side. When she finally pulls back he’s got a haunted look in his eyes, and Remus quickly pulls him back to his side, protected. </p><p>“How the fuck is this real?” He gives her a pointed look and gestures to the car.</p><p>“Dora? The car, please.” She kicks back into action and hands him the keys. He directs Sirius to the front seat and gives his wife a pleading look when she begins to protest. He keeps the radio off as he drives so he can monitor Sirius’ breathing and heartbeat. Dora tries to make conversation multiple times but Sirius stays resolutely silent, and Remus gives her a timid smile. </p><p>“Is Andromeda home? Does she know?” He talks a bit with Dora and keeps watch out of the corner of his eye, Sirius is picking at the dry skin around his nails and staring blank-faced out the window.</p><p>“Sirius? We’re here.” He goes around the back and helps Dora out, then moves to the passenger side to grab Sirius. Andromeda is waiting by the door and hurriedly pulls them in. She and Sirius seem to share some psychic conversation and she nods at him with teary eyes.</p><p>“I’ll get the guest room ready.” But before she can move Remus’ hand grabs her of its own violation.</p><p>“I want him with me, please.” She seems to understand and takes Sirius’ hand to lead him upstairs, but he pulls away with a whimper and Remus feels a growl raising in his throat. He rips Sirius from her grip and pulls him into his chest, a deep growl pulls his lips back. Andromeda holds her hands up in surrender and slightly backs away from them.</p><p>“I am not going to hurt him, I am not a threat.” He pulls Sirius back a bit further and finally, he seems to come back to himself. He releases his bruising grip and buries his face in his hands.</p><p>“Shit, I’m sorry.” Dora has seemingly disappeared and Andromeda gives him a small smile.</p><p>“Moon’s tomorrow, it’s alright.” He pinches the bridge of his nose and absently runs his fingers over Sirius’ neck. Dora comes back and she takes one look at them and clutches her stomach.</p><p>“My water just broke.” And indeed the floor beneath her is shiny and wet, and smells distinctly, female. Everyone seems to freeze for a moment before Andromeda jumps into action.</p><p>“Nym, get in the car I’m driving, Remus you stay here with Sirius.” Remus tries to protest but Nymphadora silences him with a finger and a look.</p><p>“She understands, ok?” And then they’re out the door. His son is being born and he’s not going to be there. But Sirius is leaning into his touch and nuzzling into his neck.</p><p>“Let’s get you upstairs.” He says, finally. And he pulls Sirius up the stairs keeping their hands firmly clasped.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. So happy together</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Is this wholesome? So I'm going to be posting every Sunday and maybe sometimes on Wednesday's depending on how much I write that week. Hope you guys enjoy this!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He had heard the doctors words and had looked at the charts, but he didn’t understand. He only understood the gaping emptiness inside. He couldn’t breath, he couldn’t speak, there was only <em>empty. </em>But then Remus was there, holding his hand, laying beside him, pulling him close. It helped him push the empty to the back of his mind, but it didn’t get rid of it. It was just pushed aside, deep in his belly, just waiting. When Nymphadora hugged him it reared up and consumed him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Bellatrix cackling madly as everything burns around her, Nymphadora kneeled on the ground, clutching her bleeding head. Bellatrix raises her wand and cries out with glee.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Crucio!” The young girl writhes around the ground, screaming at the top of her lungs.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Worthless scum! Stain on the family tree! Filthy half-blood!” Bellatrix hurls insult after insult as Nymphadora continues her screaming, her writhing. Finally, she lowers her wand and the blinding torture stops.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re not worthy!” Bellatrix raises her wand again, but this time there’s no fear in Nymphadora’s eyes, only relief.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Avada Kadavra!” The green light hits her square in the chest, she falls back to the ground, the ghost of a breath on her lips.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Even as she pulled away the feeling hadn’t left him. It was only Remus’ arm around him that kept him present. So badly he wanted to retreat into himself, to burrow into the warmth of Padfoot’s fur, and to just <em>forget. </em>He just wanted to forget everything, to forget his <em>pain</em>, his <em>agony</em>, his <em>longing. </em>But then Remus is pulling away and he’s plunged into the freezing emptiness of his mind. Then they’d got to Andromeda’s house and she had understood to <em>stay away</em> from him, until she hadn’t. She’d grabbed his arm and the emptiness had swallowed him again.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Andromeda is sitting in a rocking chair, eerily still. A child can be heard crying in the background, but she doesn’t move, doesn’t breath. An overturned bottle of pills lays spilled on the side table beside her, she stays silent.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>And then Remus had grabbed him and pulled him in and by God he’d fucking felt something. He felt warmth, a warm magic just wrapped around him, protecting him from the horrors of his mind. And he burrowed deeper, tucked his head under Remus’ chin and let himself be enveloped by the comforting scent. And the two women had left and Remus led him upstairs. But instead of going to his room, like Sirius thought they would, instead he brings him to the bathroom. He instructs Sirius to sit on the closed toilet lid while he filled the bath with steaming water. He helped him undress and Sirius wrapped his shaking arms protectively around himself, he didn’t want to be seen. But Remus had coaxed him and he’d lowered his arms and Remus had pulled him into a hug. He rubbed his back and tucked him under his chin and had whispered over and over again. <em>I’m sorry.</em> And Sirius forgave him, not in words, but he wrapped his arms around Remus and rested his head against his collarbone. They stayed like that for what felt like hours, and Sirius finally felt like he was <em>home. </em>Remus had pulled away and had directed Sirius into the warm water and had cupped his hands around his eyes as he poured a cup of water over his head.</p><p>“I’m going to wash your hair, make you nice and pretty.” Sirius can only nod as Remus lathers the shampoo into his hair. His fingers are careful with the knots and has the patience to work through each of them. He washes it out and them moves on to the conditioner. Once he gets it into his hair, Remus picks up a purple comb and runs it through Sirius’ hair. It takes a long time, for him to gather the hair that floats around him and run the comb through it. Sirius lets his eyes slip shut as Remus began to hum. An old Welsh song he’d used to sing, a very long time ago. Sirius doesn’t know how long he sits there, listening to Remus hum as he brushes through his hair. But then it’s over all too soon, Remus taps him on the shoulder and Sirius opens his eyes. Remus has a small smile on his face and a tender look in his eyes, Sirius has to look away, lest he get false hope.</p><p>“C’mon, I’ll dress you.” Remus lifts him by the armpits and hoists him out of the tub. Sirius watches the stained water run in rivulets down his body and land back into the tub. With a flick of Remus’ wand the water drains and Sirius is wrapped in a towel. Remus wraps his hair up with another towel and slowly, carefully, begins to dry his body. The towel is soft and glides against his glistening skin, Remus carefully runs it over his face and down his back. There’s moment of hesitation before the towel runs down his crack and past his perineum, he jolts but then relaxes into the touch. Remus comes around to his front and carefully lowers himself to his knees. He rubs the towel into the dark thatch of hair just above his groin, then he passes the towel over his cock and down to his balls. He doesn’t get aroused, even though he hasn’t been touched there in years, he stays soft, because this isn’t the type of situation. Once he’s dry Remus brings him out of the bathroom, through the hallway, and into his bedroom. Sirius sits down on the bed, he watches as Remus opens a few drawers and pulls out some articles of clothing. When he turns back to Sirius he hands him a black pair of pants, faded sweatpants, and a dark brown jumper. He just stares down at the clothing unsure of what to do with it, he looks back up to Remus who has a soft smile on his face.</p><p>“Do you want me to dress you?” He nods slowly and Remus help him stand up. He instructs him to lift his feet, one at a time and slips the pants past his calfs and up his thighs. They don’t fit him as snug as they should, but he doesn’t care. Remus then helps him into the sweats and rolls the leg up four times so they don’t drag on the floor and trip him. He then tells Sirius to lift his arms and he pulls the soft jumper pas his head. It falls almost to his knees and Remus lets out a little laugh, he probably looks quite funny.</p><p>“I’ll brush your hair out for you.” He grabs a brush from his dresser and he sits down on the bed. He pats the space in between his legs and tells Sirius to sit down. He goes easily and cautiously puts his hand on Remus’ bare foot. Remus makes no motion of noticing and takes Sirius’ hair in his hands. Once he begins to brush through it Sirius lets his fingers make patterns in the skin, he tugs on the fine hairs near his toes and taps on his gnarled toenails.</p><p>“All done.” When he doesn’t move from his spot Remus’ hand comes to cup his chin and he turns his head towards him. Remus’ thumb brushes across the light stubble on his chin, and some animal instinct compels Sirius to taste him, so he does. His tongue flicks across Remus’ thumb and he relishes the salty taste. Remus doesn’t pull away and instead adjust so the flat of his thumb rests in the middle of Sirius’ tongue. He closes his mouth around the digit and lightly sucks. He runs his tongue over the surface and licks the taste from it. He sees Remus’ eyes darken and he adds a bit more pressure, but then Remus is pulling away from his mouth and he whimpers.</p><p>“Shh, it’s alright. Let me get you into bed.” He pulls Sirius up into the bed and tucks the sheets tight around him. He brushes Sirius’ hair behind his ear and runs his thumb over his bottom lip. Sirius opens his mouth and Remus carefully pushes his thumb in. He lightly sucks on it until he feels his eyes drooping, Sirius brings up his hand and places it on Remus’ wrist. He seems to get the memo and he keeps his hand in place as Sirius falls asleep.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Imagine me and you, I do</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I think about you day and night, it's only right</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To think about the girl you love and hold her tight</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So happy together</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>If I should call you up, invest a dime</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And you say you belong to me and ease my mind</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Imagine how the world could be, so very fine</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So happy together</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. letting go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I did not realize how much I write, I've already got like four chapters lined up. I hope you guys enjoy this one :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They’d only just built a routine, Remus would wake up, then Sirius, and he would trail after him like a lost puppy. He’d try to keep any form of contact between them, whether that be holding his hand or gripping the sleeve of his oversized jumper. And the best part about it was that Remus didn’t even seem annoyed about it; whenever Sirius lost his grip, Remus would stop, hold out his arm and wait for Sirius to hold on again. The moon had come and then gone, and everything was still okay. The day after, he laid in bed with Remus, held his hand, and cuddled close to his body heat. But then it all changed. Nymphadora came home with a bundle wrapped tight in her arms, and Remus had left his side for the first time in weeks. Sirius’ hand had dropped from his jumper, and Remus didn’t step back to let him grab it again; he’d just continued on forward and hugged Nymphadora.</p><p>“His name is Edward Remus Lupin.” Sirius can see the shine of tears in Remus’ eyes as he looks down at his son, <em>his son. </em>And Sirius understands this was it for him. He let himself get lost. In the fantasy of life with Remus, his guard was let down, which allowed him to get hurt. So when he feels the emptiness building back inside him, after being gone for so long now, he lets it wash over him. He turns around and goes back upstairs, not to Remus’ room, no, to the spare room, where he belonged. He’d seen the crib in Remus’ room, tucked away in the corner. He’d done an excellent job of ignoring it, but now it was screaming in his face. <em>You’re not welcome here.</em> So he goes to the spare room and crawls under the mahogany bed. He’s silent and stoic as the tears slip out of his eyes; he doesn’t want to make a sound. He just wants to disappear; he wants to forget all this pain. It’s all her fault, all her fucking fault. If she hadn’t invaded his life and fucked Remus, they could have been happy; he could have been satisfied. He shoves his fist into his mouth and bites down until the taste of blood fills his mouth; he laps it up and hides his sob into his fist. It isn’t fair, <em>it’s not fucking fair. </em></p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t know how long he’s been hidden under the bed, but Remus never comes to find him. Sometimes he hears them chattering below, or he’s woken from his fitful sleep by the baby crying. He’d never really got a look at the baby, but he wants to hate him. But he can’t. It’s not the baby’s fault; it’s Nymphadora’s. The bitch took Remus from him and forced him into a relationship with the bearing of a child. Today is no different, he’s woken by the baby’s cries, but he feels fundamentally <em>wrong. </em>His guts are in knots, and his hands won’t stop shaking. He pulls himself from under the bed and uses the edge of the mattress to pull himself up to a standing position. He wobbles a bit on his feet and has to brace his hand on the wall to stop from falling. He breathes in and out a few times to calm his rapidly beating heart; he feels so <em>wrong. </em>He ventures downstairs to where the cries are coming from and stops in the kitchen doorframe, and he watches. The little baby is strapped into the high chair, and Nymphadora is sitting in front of him, trying to coax a bottle into his mouth. Remus is standing behind the chair, his finger firmly held in the baby’s pudgy hand, he’s got a great big smile on his face, and he just looks so happy. Happier than Sirius can ever remember him being, and he feels his heart crack in his chest. And it’s the first time, maybe, that he realize’s, he’s nothing but a whisper of the past to Remus. He hadn’t been a part of Remus’ life for almost fourteen years, then he’d left for another two. He was just someone of Remus’ past, not his present or future. He realizes that he’s the burden pulling him down; he’s the rock causing him to drown. And this epiphany hurts, it hurts because it’s the truth. He watches for a few more seconds, sees the raw happiness on Remus’ face, and he turns to Nymphadora and kisses her hand, and he watches all the while his heart breaks. He turns around and goes to the study to find a piece of paper. He doesn’t want to fade into the wind; he wants something left behind of himself so that Remus can remember. He finds a small slip of paper and grabs a muggle pen, and writes.</p><p> </p><p>Once he’s done, he carefully folds it and sets it in the center of the desk. He’s been holding on for too long, much too long. He was foolish to think that they could be happy together; it was silly to think that he meant more to Remus than he did. Remus deserves to be happy, even if that happiness is not found with him. He wipes a stray tear from his eye with a shaking hand. He walks out of the study, bypasses the kitchen, and ends up at the front door. He turns the handle and watches as the door swings open, and he looks out into the wide world. He knows that once he steps out, he can’t return; he’s done enough damage already. He takes a deep breath, screws his eyes shut, and steps out the door. His foot hits the concrete, and his eyes jolt open, and he stares into the free world. He kicks the door closed behind him and walks forward, and doesn’t turn back around. He walks until he’s around the corner, then he pulls out his mother’s wand -It was the only wand at Grimmauld that worked for him- and disapparates. He lands on the grassy hillside of Wales, <em>Porthor, Gwynedd,</em> as Remus had called it when they visited. The gentle sea breeze tickles his cheeks and makes his hair dance around his face. He gazes out into the vast waves and wishes he could stay here forever. Maybe he could set up a tent and just live here for the rest of his life. He lowers himself to the ground and lays flat on his back, closing his eyes against the bright sun, he lays there until his skin is pleasantly warm, and his eyes are tingling from the light. Once he sits up, he rubs the crustiness from his eyes and sighs. He can’t stay here, no matter how much he wants to. He has to find an actual place, preferably as far away from London as possible. He remembers Remus mentioning offhandedly that Mary was still alive, though he hadn’t talked to her since <em>that night.</em> Maybe he could try and find her; he’d always liked her. But he has no idea where to even start; she might to even be alive anymore. He groans and scrubs his hand down his face, falling back into the grass. Maybe if he thinks really hard about her, he’ll end up on her doorstep; he startles himself with a laugh and tugs lightly on his hair. He has nothing but his wand and the clothes Remus gave him weeks ago. This was stupid; this was such a silly idea. He should’ve stayed at least a few more days and got himself together. No, he can’t think like that. He can’t keep depending on Remus for everything, no matter how much he wants to. The Leaky Cauldron has an open floo network; maybe that would work. It’s not like he’s a wanted criminal anymore; he can go in public without fear of being returned to Azkaban. He shudders at the thought and closes his eyes again. He’ll go to the Leaky Cauldron, and then he’ll go to Mary’s. That settled, he gets to his feet and brushes off his pants.</p><p> </p><p>Diagon Alley is a ghost town. The buildings are skeletons of what they once were, and the sky is an ashy grey; he tastes the death and decay, and it clings to every crevice of his mouth. There’s no one in the streets, and he starts forward cautiously, doing his best to avoid the rubble in the road. He hasn’t seen the outside world since he’d come back from the veil, and this is not what he remembered. He lightly pushes the door to the bar and steps inside, gasping when he sees the wreckage. The place is in pieces, literal pieces. A massive hole is in the wall directly in front of him, and the dark mark is etched into the stones. Just looking at it sucks all the life from his body. He feels like the dementors are right behind him, their clawed hands gripping his shoulders and dragging him back down to that place. Unconsciously he finds his feet carrying him closer, the pull of dark magic drawing him in. He places his hand on it, and he feels it; he feels thrumming through his body, lighting up his insides.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He doesn’t know why he agreed to this meeting, God it’s so fucking wrong. Yesterday he’d walked out on Remus, and then his cousin had found him in an alleyway and told him to meet her in Knockturn alley. And fuck, he’d been so goddamn devastated that he agreed. This will not turn out good for him; they’ll probably capture and torture him for information.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Sirius.” She calls, and he startles out of his head.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Bella.” She grabs his hand, and they disapparate to an unknown location. They land in a field that Sirius suspects is somewhere in Scotland. She settles herself on the grass, and he does the same. They sit in surprisingly companionable silence for a few seconds until Sirius speaks.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Why am I here, Bella?” She traces her wand against the ground and hums under her breath; finally, when she seems to finish whatever the fuck she was doing, she looks up at him and smiles.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’ve always liked you, Sirius. And I’ve seen the darkness you’re capable of.” He internally winces at the second comment because he understands exactly what she’s talking about. He’d tried to kill Snape, he left Remus all alone in the middle of a war, he can’t even count on his fingers the number of times he disappointed Remus.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“The dark lord wants you; you can be valuable to us.” She’s got that glint in her eyes. Sirius knows that glint. He’d seen it in school just before she’d cast a nasty curse on an unsuspecting student. He’d seen it in battle when she was about to kill.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“The Potter’s, I know you’re close to them; they trust you. It’s not too late for you, Sirius. If you join us, the dark lord will assure your pets’ safety.” His pet’s safety? If anything, he’s the pet in the relationship. But that’s not the point; she’s asking him to betray the only people who have ever loved him like a brother, like a friend. He couldn’t do that to them, could he? The war wasn’t looking good; they weren’t looking good. But they trust him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I,” He begins and shuts his mouth. Was he really about to say yes? He shakes his head and starts again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I won’t. Bella, I’m not betraying the only people who’ve never abandoned me.” Instead of the outrage, he expects she just smiles at him, something evil lurking in her eyes. She reaches out her palm and strokes his cheek; he doesn’t have the strength to pull away.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Give it time, Sirius. Everyone will abandon you, everyone but your true family. Do you understand?” He finds himself nodding, and she smiles again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Good.” And then she’s gone.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He comes back from the memory shaking and on the verge of tears. He tears his hand away from the wall and tries to find his way to the fireplace. <em>Give it time, Sirius. Everyone will abandon you. </em>And she was right, wasn’t she? He went to Azkaban, and no one believed he was innocent, not even Remus. And it’s not the first time Remus has left him, and he aches with it. He can’t do this. He can’t fucking do this anymore. This war, this fighting, this not knowing whether you’re going to live another goddamn day. He’s done, he’s fucking done! He backs up from the chains of reality and Disapparates.</p><p> </p><p>He lands in the same field he and Bellatrix visited so many years ago; it looks the same. He looks up at the sky, and he screams just fucking screams. He lets out all his anguish, all his pain, all his suffering, and he screams. He screams until his lungs burn and his body aches. He stares out to the great emptiness, and he laughs, hoarse and spent. It’s the first time he’s genuinely been alone, like really alone. And he’s scared, fucking terrified. But for the first time in his life, he’s <em>free.</em></p><p> </p><p><em>And time is impatience</em>.</p><p><em>No, patience takes time</em>.</p><p><em>Excuses will only do good if you’re waiting around to die</em>.</p><p> </p><p><em>Everyone is born with self-worth</em>.</p><p>
  <em>How easily it turns to doubt</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It takes letting go of what we know we can’t live without</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Two ghosts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for the wonderful comments, I really do appreciate them. I hope you enjoy this chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>One year later; May 2nd 1999</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It’s been a year since Sirius disappeared since his wife died since Voldemort was well and truly defeated. It’s weird to think so much time has passed since that dreadful day. He’d lost so much, and the time still turned, people got up and moved on. He doesn’t know what happened to Sirius, and he fears that he’ll never find out. He’d woken up that day went to check on Sirius like he usually did, and he’d been gone. All that was left was a note, nothing but a note.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Remus,</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I am too young, and I’ve loved you too much; I cannot think of you apart from love. We are unusual and tragic and alive, and I believe that my only hope in this terrible life of mine is to know that you sense that I remember you and love you like nothing else in the world. And I want you to know this; Wherever you are, I am with you, and I love you as before.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Sirius</em>
</p><p> </p><p>His mind had instantly gone to the worst conclusion, and he’d wanted to follow Sirius to whatever place he’d gone. He couldn’t help but blame himself; maybe if he’d taken better care of him, he wouldn’t have done this. But then he’d seen Teddy’s cute little baby face, and he knew he could abandon him like Sirius did.</p><p>“And how are you today, Edward?” Harry nods sagely as Teddy babbles and shakes his pudgy fists. He’d asked Harry to be Godfather, and it had probably been the best decision of his life. Harry was brilliant with Teddy; he played with him, he changed him, and he was basically the only one who could get him to calm down. Teddy seemed to love Harry and always wanted to have his glasses on or hold his hand. Remus just wished Sirius could be her to see it. No matter how long it’s been, it doesn’t hurt any less. Sirius hadn’t met Teddy; he just saw him when he got back from the hospital, then he’d left. He never did tell Harry that Sirius had come back, purely for selfish reasons. He’d wanted to keep Sirius all to himself; he sheltered him from the world, didn’t even tell him about the war.</p><p>“Do you need help with anything, Remus?” He smiles at Harry and shakes his head. It’s the first anniversary of Nymphadora dying, and he hadn’t wanted to be alone, so he’d invited Harry and Ginny. </p><p>“How’s teaching been?” For a short time, Remus was bitter with resentment when Harry got the job as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, but it didn’t last long. He deserved it; he really did. And it was insane that he was the youngest teacher yet, bypassing even Snape. He could see how passionate he was, and he’d even offered for Remus to be his sub.</p><p>“It’s good, I really love it. Um, do you think, my parents?” Harry swallows and picks at the skin by his fingernails. </p><p>“Do you think my parents and Sirius would be proud of me? Like, do you think this is the life they wanted for me?” He’d asked a similar question in his third year, but he hadn’t been fully aware of the relationship between Remus and his parents then.</p><p>“No, they didn’t want this life for you. All the fighting, the death, the loss. But they would be so proud of you, so proud. Lily would be so happy to hear that you’re a teacher now.” Harry smiles sadly, and Remus places a hand on his shoulder.</p><p>“Can you tell me more about Sirius? You mentioned you guys were close.” A pang goes through his heart, and he has to sit down.</p><p>“He was loyal to a fault; he would do anything for the ones he loved.” Except for stay, he adds bitterly in his head. And embarrassingly enough, tears start to form in his eyes.</p><p>“He was just bloody amazing, and he loved you so much, Harry.” A knock on the door saves him from continuing this conversation, and he gets up to answer it, patting Teddy on the head as he goes. When he opens the door, Ginny steps in and gives him a hug.</p><p>“Sorry I’m late; practice went long.” She still had her Holly Head Harpies jersey on and had the faint smell of sweat.</p><p>“No problem, we were just about to start eating.” He steps aside and lets her walk past him. He’s about to close the door, but something stops him. In the distance, it almost looks like a black dog. He shakes his head, and the figure disappears.</p><p>“Remus, are you coming?” He snaps out of his revere and walks back into the kitchen. Harry and Ginny are in deep conversation while she bounces Teddy on her hip. He babbles happily, and Remus smiles at the scene; he wishes James and Lily could be here to see it. He wipes at his wet eyes and settles down next to Harry. Unintentionally he looks to his right, where Sirius would always sit. He had a weird thing about right and left and would almost always freak out if he couldn’t stand/sit on the right side. Come to think of it, he didn’t like anything being on his left side. It’s a shame he never got to find out why. Ginny passes him the steak and kidney pie, and he serves himself a big piece. He takes half of it and places it in a small green plastic bowl. He cuts it up into pieces small enough not to choke on and places it on Teddy’s tray. He takes a bite for himself, then tries to coax Teddy to do the same, with little success. He’ll take it in his mouth, move it around a bit, then his hair will turn a barf green, and he spits it out. He sighs exasperatedly and pinches the bridge of his nose.</p><p>“C’mon darling, this was your mum’s favorite.” Teddy perks up at the mention of the mother he never got to know, and he cautiously opens his mouth. Remus smiles as Teddy chews, and his hair stays a familiar brown. This continues until the bowl is empty and everyone has finished their meal. Remus has to scare down the last of his pie while Harry collects the dishes.</p><p>“Do you want Ginny and I to take him to the park while you relax?” Remus hesitates; this past year, he’s hardly left Teddy out of his sight.</p><p>“It’s alright, Remus. We’ll take good care of him.” Ginny affirms, and he finally agrees. It would be nice to have some time to himself, to think. He unstraps Teddy from his high chair and gives him a kiss on the head.</p><p>“Uncle Harry and Auntie Ginny are going to take you to the park.” Teddy babbles as Remus helps Harry strap him into the backpack harness. He gives the couple one last look and pats Teddy on the head.</p><p>“Please be careful,” Harry assures that they will be, and then they’re off.</p><p> </p><p>It’s only been ten minutes, but he’s already made himself sick with worry. He trusts Harry completely, but he can’t help but worry if something terrible has happened to them. Even though Voldemort is truly gone, there was still the odd fanatic. And Harry was incredibly recognizable, even with his long hair and wireframe glasses. Just when Remus is about to apparate to the park to make sure everything is okay, there’s a knock at the door. He’s on his feet in seconds and running to the door, fearing the absolute worse. What he sees on the other side of the door makes his heart stutter in his chest. Sirius Black is standing in his doorframe, with a nervous smile on his face. He looks different from when he last saw him. His lips are full and pink, and the haunted look in his eyes has all but left. His skin is still pale as ever, but not in a dying victorian child way. His dark hair is nestled on top of his head in a knot, wisps of hair frame his delicate face. But the main thing Remus notices is that he looks content, genuinely content. </p><p>“Hey, Remus.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>We're not who we used to be</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We're not who we used to be</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We're just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We're not who we used to be</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We don't see what we used to see</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We're just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Somebody that I used to know</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy valentines day, here is a nice wholesome chapter. Thank you so so much for the amazing comments, they mean so much to me. I genuinely appreciate each and every one of you, hope you have a wonderful day.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Now and then, I think of all the times you screwed me over</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But had me believing it was always something that I'd done</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But I don't wanna live that way</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Reading into every word you say</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You said that you could let it go</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I wouldn't catch, you hung up on</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Somebody that you used to know</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>But you didn't have to cut me off</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I don't even need your love</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The air feels cleaner here, somehow. The rolling green hills rustle in the light breeze, and Sirius breathes in the fresh air. The sun shines bright on the field, and a few cows are roaming around and munching on the grass. There’s a road nearby, and he sighs in frustration; he’ll have to walk to the nearest town. He’s only got some too big worn down oxfords that he took from Remus’ place. The toes are stuffed with old socks, and they rub uncomfortably against his heel. He shuffles down the asphalt road at an almost comically slow pace. A low rumbling starts behind him, and he moves out of the way. The car doesn’t speed past him like he expects it to; instead, it slows to a stop right beside him. The window rolls down with a creak, and a smiling face looks back at him.</p><p>“Hullo, are you lost?” He nods cautiously. The man’s got a friendly gap-toothed smile and wavy sandy blond hair. Freckles are spattered across his crooked nose, and his eyes crinkle nicely in the corners. The man leans over to the passenger side and pulls up the lock.</p><p>“Get in, I’m heading towards town.” He does what the man says and is relieved when the weight is taken off his damaged feet.</p><p>“I’m Gale.” He tries to speak, but it’s as if there’s a rock rolling around in his throat, preventing words from getting out.</p><p>“Do you live around here?” Gale asks, and Sirius shakes his head. He’s only been here with Bellatrix and Remus during the moons. And these roads and fields are entirely unfamiliar to him. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Gale watching him, but he finds that he doesn’t mind. The car hits a few potholes, and they bounce in their seats; Sirius turns his head towards the window, watching the rushing fields. The radio is playing indistinctly, and Gale is quietly humming under his breath. Soon enough, a small town comes into view, though it should hardly be called a town. There are only a few dilapidated brick houses and a rundown looking church in the centre. Gale pulls up to a small cottage nestled near the village’s edge, with a light green door.</p><p>“Right, this is my place. You can come in if you like?” He doesn’t fancy sitting in a hot car for however long, so he takes Gale’s invitation. The house is, in a word, cute. The kitchen cabinets are painted a light green, and there are plants strewn about. Gale directs him to the kitchen table and fixes him a cup of coffee. He sips it quietly and watches the man tinker around the kitchen.</p><p>“You’re bleeding.” He rummages around in a cabinet under the sink and comes out with rubbing alcohol and gauze. He kneels by Sirius’ feet and carefully takes his foot in hand. He wants to ask what the hell he is doing but is unable to find the words. He slips his show off with a slight wince from Sirius. His once beige sock is soaked through with blood; he gags at the sight of it. Gale pulls the socks out of his shoes and tsks in disapproval. The alcohol stings, and he tries to jerk his foot away, but Gale keeps a firm grip. Once he’s done cleaning, he wraps his feet in gauze and gently places them back on the floor. </p><p>“Who are you?” He asks with a chuckle. Sirius’ eyes search around the room, and he finds a piece of paper and a pen. Gale watches him as he writes his name down.</p><p>“Sirius Black? Is that really your name?” He nods with a frown on his face, what’s so weird about his name? Gale chuckles again and pats him on the shoulder.</p><p>“Where do you come from? Sirius Black.” He picks up the pen again and writes down London. He doesn’t think there’s any point in giving him his address. </p><p>“London, eh? How’d you end up in <em>Durisdeer?</em>” He considers this for a moment then writes, running. Running from war, running from Harry, running from Remus. He needs to get his own life, outside of everything he was with Remus.</p><p>“Running? You’re not a criminal, are you?” He laughs, but there’s a real question in his eyes. He swallows past the lump in his throat, opening and closing his mouth a few times. And then he speaks.</p><p>“Was acquitted. Running from past.” The words are rough sounding and wrong, and he hopes Gale has understood him. Gale gets up, goes into the kitchen, and comes back a few minutes later with a steaming cup.</p><p>“Drink this, it’ll help your throat.” It does and instantly soothes the burn. It still hasn’t really settled in that he’s free of all charges. Gale watches him with something indiscernible in his eyes.</p><p>“You can stay here until you get back on your feet.” This person he just met is offering him a place to stay. He knows nothing about him, what he does, or even his last name. But there’s something so lovely about him, so calming.</p><p>“Thanks.” He mumbles, red colouring his face. Gale smiles and helps him stand up, leading him towards the guest bedroom. The room is painted beige, and there’s a small twin bed pushed up against the wall. It’s got little blue sailboats printed all over it, and Sirius finds himself smiling.</p><p>“I mean this in the nicest way possible; you need a shower.” Sirius runs his hand through his greasy knotted hair and lets out a humourless chuckle.</p><p>“Suppose I do.” Gale then leads him to the small bathroom, which houses a medium bathtub with a green curtain drawn around it.</p><p>“Left is hot, right is cold. Oh, and I’ll leave some clothes on your bed.” He gives him a cheeky grin, then closes the door behind him. He stands there dumbly for a moment before his brain kickstarts into action. He strips from Remus’ oversized sweater and jeans he drops them into a messy pile, along with his dirty underwear. He carefully unwraps the gauze from his feet and winces when he has to pull it from his skin. He throws it straight into the trash can and steps into the tub. He hisses as the cold water hits his back, then quickly turns hot. Dirty water runs down his body and gathers near the drain, staining the white, dark brown colour. He searches the shell for body wash and lathers himself up, scrubbing until his skin is pink. The water begins to run cold, and he quickly lathers and rinses his hair with the lavender shampoo and conditioner. He makes sure to step on the bathmat and avoid the cold tiled floor; he grabs a green towel and wraps it around his body. He catches a glance in the small hanging mirror and winces at his haggard appearance. He’s got the beginnings of a scrappy beard growing, and there are prominent bags under his eyes. The ends of his hair are frayed and choppy, and he searches through the drawer for a pair of scissors. With shaking hands, he grabs a chunk of hair and cuts it without thinking. Strands of black float to the floor and he keeps cutting; he cuts until his hair falls just past his lean shoulders. He mourns the loss of it but then remembers that it’ll grow back. No matter how much he hates his genes, he’s grateful for his fabulous hair. He kneels on the ground, gathers his hair, and flushes it down the toilet. He shakes out his head, wipes his body down with the towel and ventures into the hallway. He studies the painted pictures hung on the wall and carefully brushes his finger across one of the flowers. He gets to his room and smiles at the soft-looking clothes folded on the bed. He picks up a worn Rolling Stones t-shirt and slides it over his head; he then grabs the black pair of pants, sliding them over his legs. His fingers run over the blue pair of jeans, and he smiles softly at the feel of them. They’re soft against his abused legs, and he sighs in relief at the feeling. He gathers his dirty clothes into a pile, and after a moment of consideration, throws them into the trash. His hair is still wet, and he runs his hands through it, wincing when they pull on the knots. He wanders around the rest of the house and studies where he’s going to be living for however long. He finds Gale in the living room, watching the Telly. The man looks up when he comes in and instantly smiles, then laughs.</p><p>“Oh darling, what’ve you done to your hair?” He consciously runs his hand through his hair and winces when his fingers get caught on another knot—Gale sighs and motions for him to come closer.</p><p>“Come sit on the floor, I’ll fix your hair up.” When Sirius gives him an apprehensive look, he chuckles and gently pushes him to the floor.</p><p>“I’ve got a younger sister and an absent mother, it’s not like I could make it worse.” He frowns to himself as Gale disappears back into the kitchen. Sirius picks at the skin around his fingers and chews nervously on his bottom lip. Gale’s footsteps return, and he settles on the couch behind him, bracketing his body with his muscled legs. His head is sprayed with what he hopes is water, and he flinches back. A comb runs through his hair, and Gale is careful to detangle the knots, humming under his breath. An episode of the Fresh Prince of Bel-air is playing quietly on the Telly, and Sirius watches it with rapt attention. There’s the sound of scissors snipping, and tiny locks of black hair fall to the ground.</p><p>“Do you always invite strangers to live with you?” He finds himself asking, and Gale laughs.</p><p>“Only the handsome ones.” He quips back, and Sirius’ cheeks flare with heat. He may have boasted about being the best looking lad at school in his youth, but right now, he feels significantly insignificant.</p><p>“But really, there’s just something about you. Like a sad, wounded dog.” He snorts if only Gale knew. Fingers run and pull through his hair, twisting it into a complicated braid.</p><p>“You’re really nice.” He says, and Gale laughs that nice laugh again. Gale clicks his tongue, and his hands leave Sirius’ head; he whines at the loss and tries to lean back.</p><p>“All done, puppy. Wanna look?” The nickname does something for him, and he blushes, nodding his head. Gale holds up a handheld mirror and shows him his handy work. He gasps and lightly runs his fingers over the braids, scared of recking them.</p><p>“I’ve gotta go to work tomorrow; you can come.” He’s never really been in the muggle world, and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t interested in their jobs.</p><p>“Really?” Gale’s gap-tooth makes another appearance, and Sirius finds himself smiling too.</p><p>“It’s getting late; we should get to bed.” The smile falls from his face as he realizes he’ll have to sleep in an unfamiliar bed, alone. </p><p>“Oh, goodnight then.” He mumbles and shuffles back to his room. He draws the navy blue curtains, bathes the room in darkness, crawls under the warm covers and pulls them up to his chin. A searing pain starts up in his chest, and he bites down on his tongue to keep him from crying out. It passes almost instantly, but his chest feels scooped out, hollow. Someone just died; he just felt someone he fucking die. He knows it’s Nymphadora; he doesn’t know how he just knows.</p><p> </p><p>He spends at least an hour tossing and turning before he swallows his pride. He shuffles towards the other end of the house and takes a deep breath at the imposing door. He lightly knocks, and there’s an answering grunt; he takes it as an invitation and enters.</p><p>“Sirius?” The man mumbles, and he squints up at him.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I know we just met, and I’m almost forty, but I can’t sleep alone.” He mumbles out, embarrassed. Gale gives him a tired smile and pulls the sheets back.</p><p>“Nothing to be embarrassed about; my sister still gets nightmares sometimes.” He doesn’t want to ask how old his sister is. He’s still standing there dumbly, looking at Gale with a lost expression.</p><p>“Need a written invitation? C’mon, I really don’t mind.” His feet finally get the message, and he crawls into bed with Gale. He finds it odd that he’s suddenly so comfortable with this complete stranger, but he doesn’t question it. He lets his eyes slip shut, and for the first time in a long time, falls into a peaceful sleep.</p>
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<a name="section0034"><h2>34. Bury it</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I've officially finished writing all the chapters for this series! I'm sad to say that it'll soon be coming to an end :( Anyways, this is sort of a short domestic chapter, enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He wakes up alone, but the smell of bacon assures him he’s not been abandoned. He stretches and winces as each bone takes its turn, popping into place; if he was Padfoot, he could extend even further. But Gale is a muggle, so that’s out of the question. He shakes out his short hair -which hasn’t been like this since third year- and rubs the sleep from his eyes. The braids have fallen out, and his hair curls wildly by his face, the elastics have been lost somewhere in the sheets, and he doesn’t try to look for them. His feet are still a bit achy, but the cream and gauze have gotten rid of the worst of it. He quietly pads to the kitchen and stops in the doorway to the kitchen. Gale is humming along to a Fleetwood Mac song Sirius doesn’t know; he flips something in a pan and lets out a whistle when it lands perfectly. Despite himself, Sirius smiles. Even though they’ve literally just met, he feels strangely connected to him. There’s some similarities to Remus, but he doesn’t want to think about him.</p><p>“Morning.” He murmurs, voice still rough with sleep. Gale jumps a bit but quickly recovers with a warm smile directed at him.</p><p>“Morning, I’ve got a full English breakfast cooking.” He indeed does, Sirius notes as he looks around.</p><p>“Sit down, get comfortable.” It takes him a second to kick into action, but he moves closer to Gale instead of sitting down.</p><p>“Do you need me to help?” He asks, unsure of what his role is.</p><p>“No need, you’re my guest, for today.” He adds on the last bit with a warm smile. Awkwardly, Sirius sits down at the table and waits for Gale. It only takes a few more minutes before Gale is setting down the last of the plates. He serves himself, and only after his plate is full and he’s taken the first bite does Sirius fill his own. In the noble house of Black, it was customary for the house’s head to eat first. He didn’t do it so much at Hogwarts, but the habit reared its head when he became an Animagus. He only started eating after Remus and James taste; Peter didn’t matter so much, even less now. Gale eyes him curiously but doesn’t comment on it. Sirius doesn’t eat much; his stomach never recovered from Azkaban.</p><p>“Do you want to come to work with me?” He’d almost forgotten about the offer yesterday, but he lights up at the prospect of experiencing the world. He nods his head as he slowly chews on a perfectly fried piece of bacon.</p><p>“Where do you work?” He asks, trying to keep up a normal human conversation. Gale’s eyes dim a little, and Sirius is scared he’s ruined something.</p><p>“I work at the post office.” Sirius gives him a curious look, and Gale takes a breath.</p><p>“I used to work in the hospital, and I loved it. But I got mixed up with some bad people, made some stupid mistakes. When the board found out I wasn’t allowed to work in health care.” Sirius wonders what might have been bad enough to get him banned, but he doesn’t ask.</p><p>“I was almost a…. doctor.” He finds the word that Remus used when talking about his mum’s cancer treatment.</p><p>“But I went to jail; someone who I thought was a friend betrayed me. I lost everything.” He doesn’t know what makes him admit it; maybe it’s the calming atmosphere or the small smile playing at his new friend’s lips.</p><p>“Look at us, couple of misfits. This might sound stupid, but I think we were supposed to find each other.” He laughs a nervous laugh, obviously expecting disbelief from Sirius. But Sirius just tilts his head and wonders if there’s magic in Gale.</p><p>“I don’t think it’s stupid.” He says, savouring the beautiful smile Gale sends his way. They finish their breakfast with minimal conversation. The radio is playing faintly in the background, and Sirius lets his foot tap to the beat. He tries to dry the dishes but Gale protests and tells him to enjoy the hospitality while it lasts. Once everything is clean and put away, Sirius Returns to his room to get dressed. He finds the closet filled with a few pairs of jeans and some t-shirts and hoodies. He smiles at the simple kindness and picks out a pair of blue jeans and a light green hoodie. He then moves to the bathroom to try and figure out what to do with his face situation. He first brushes it out and grumbles when it does nothing to tame the frizz and curls. He searches through the drawers until he finds a brown elastic band. He pulls his hair into a tail near the bottom of his head, strands of hair frame his face and tugs at his scraggly beard. He finds a razor by the shower and notes it in his mind to give him a new one. He splashes some water on his face and a little bit of soap. He runs the razor down his face, and the hair begins to fall away in chunks. He vanishes the hair with a swipe of his hand after making sure the door is locked behind him. When he looks up in the mirror, he gasps. He looks more like his old self than he ever has in the past fifteen years. His hair has somewhat gotten its shine and fullness back, and it feels thick against his fingers. His face isn’t as jaunt as it used to be but still not what it was before. His skin is pale, but not deathly so. He magics the razor clean and places it back where he found it. He exits the bathroom, and Gale whistles when he sees him; a blush rises on his cheeks, and he looks away bashfully.</p><p>“You sure know how to clean up.” Not knowing how to respond, he mumbles out an incoherent mess of words. Gale laughs and pulls him towards the front door.</p><p>“Let’s get to work, pretty boy!”</p>
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<a name="section0035"><h2>35. Push and pull</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I super love an appreciate comments, they really make my day. Anyways I've a special treat for you guys today. ;)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s been a few months since he’s moved in with Gale, but it feels as if they’ve known each other forever. He’s been able to laugh freely and without worry. He’s embraced the muggle life and has tucked his wand away under the mattress. He’s improved his cooking skills and regularly cooks for Gale, who had to suffer through many bad meals. His hair has grown out, and it curls nicely past his shoulders. Sometimes when they’re watching the telly, Gale’s fingers brush through his hair and twist it into intricate braids and knots. He’s genuinely loving life, which he hasn’t in a long time. Gale’s sister, Mary, is coming to visit in the next few days, and Sirius is unreasonably nervous. He’s been assured by Gale multiple times that she’ll love him and that he has nothing to be worried about. He’s been stress baking, and even Gale is starting to get worried.</p><p>“Siri, it’s going to be just fine. I can’t eat shortbread anymore.” He pats his stomach and makes a pained face as he reaches for another cookie. He tugs on his hair, and Gale gently detangles his fingers and pulls it up into a ponytail for him.</p><p>“C’mon, I’ll put on the Telly, and we’ll forget or worries for a bit.” Sirius agrees wholeheartedly and runs to the couch. Gale sits next to him and stretches an arm out, his hand landing comfortingly on his shoulder. This is a common occurrence in the past few months they’ve gotten closer, and sleeping in the same bed helped speed things up. He had always been a tactile person, needing physical contact at all times. James was good at meeting those needs, there was always an arm on his shoulder or a hand ruffling his hair. Remus had troubles with it; due to his condition, he tended to withdraw into himself. It was only in their fourth year that he started being more comfortable with physical affection. That was the difference between Gale and Remus. Gale understood; as soon as Sirius was through his door, Gale was on him. Brushing against him, playing with his hair, or cuddling up against him. After Remus and he started dating, contact was constant, but it was possessive. </p><p>“What do you want for dinner tonight, <em>mo luran? (my pretty boy)</em>” He blushes at the endearment and shrugs his shoulders. He’s full-on shortbread and doesn’t want to think of eating anymore. Sirius tucks his head into the juncture between Gale’s neck and shoulder and closes his eyes. The telly plays in the background of his mind as he tries to think up things for dinner. The first thing that comes to mind is steak and kidney pies, but he shoots it down. That’s Remus’ favourite, and he wants nothing to do with Remus while he’s in Gale’s life; it feels like he’s cheating in some weird way.</p><p>“What if I make you <em>Boeuf Bourguignon?” </em>He mentions offhandedly, secretly hoping Gale will love it.</p><p>“What now? Is that English?” Sirius laughs, and Gale looks at him in genuine confusion.</p><p>“It’s French; my mother used to make it when we lived in France.” He only lived there for a short time, and he was really young, so he doesn’t really remember it. His mother hadn’t been so bad there, almost like a real mother.</p><p>“You’re a real fancy man, and I’ll love anything you cook me.” He blushes again and cuddles closer to Gale.</p><p>“It’s called Beef Burgundy. It’s a stew of sorts. Beef, onions, red wine, carrots and bacon.” Gale hums in agreement, and Sirius smiles.</p><p>“That sounds wonderful, <em>mo luran.</em>” They watch the telly for a few more minutes until Gale’s stomach rumbles. Sirius chuckles and begrudgingly moves from his comfortable spot. They prepare dinner together, Gale chopping and Sirius assembling. Once done, they put it in the oven and let it cook for fifty minutes.</p><p> </p><p>“I used to have a brother.” He doesn’t know what compels him to say it; he just does.</p><p>“He died when he was eighteen, all alone. We hadn’t spoken since my sixth year in school, and I wish I could go back and change it.” There’s no pity when he looks into Gale’s green eyes, only sympathy.</p><p>“Mary and I have a complicated relationship. I’m a few years older than her, but we were always close as youngsters. But then she got accepted into this fancy boarding school, and I was nothing to her. She made new friends, new <em>brothers,</em> really. Then something happened, traumatizing; she doesn’t talk about it. Things are still rough, but it’s getting better.” He doesn’t try to comfort him, which Sirius appreciates. His worries have dimmed somewhat about meeting Mary, but he still wants to make a good impression. He does regret not trying harder with his brother, but what can he do about it now? Nothing. The oven beeps, signalling their supper is ready, and he gets up. He sets up the dinner plates and waits until Gale serves himself.</p><p>“This is bloody amazing.” He says, his mouth full. Sirius smiles against his bite and lets his eyes slip shut as the taste explodes in his mouth. He was four when they moved from France to England. He doesn’t remember much from that time, but he does remember that he was somewhat normal. His mother wasn’t batshit insane, and his father wasn’t cold and abusive. The taste of <em>Boeuf Bourguignon</em> brings back those fleeting but happy memories. </p><p> </p><p>Mary is coming in four hours; it’s only been ten minutes since he’s been given this information, and he’s already got a batch of shortbread in the oven. Gale is sitting at the kitchen counter, nursing a cup of tea and watching Sirius with amusement.</p><p>“I shouldn’t have told you when she’d be coming.” His mouth drops open in exaggerated shock, and he throws the dishtowel at him. It misses by a mile and lands pathetically on the floor by his feet. His hair, which is done up in a knot near his heck, is frizzing up and sticking out in all directions. He pushes the annoying strands out of his face snd aggressively stirs his next batch of shortbread. Gale sighs, put down his mug and walks over to him.</p><p>“Sirius, darling, there’s no need to stress. Why don’t we go lay in bed until Mary gets here? C’mon, take the shortbread out of the oven, and get to bed.” It does sound really enticing, so he does it. They find themselves in bed on a Monday at ten in the morning. They’re both on their side, facing each other. Gale’s arm is around him, and he’s got a tender smile on his face. The room is humid with Scotland summer, and the light is gentle through their curtains. <em>Their</em> curtains, <em>their</em> bed, <em>their</em> house, well, mostly Gale’s house. But this has become his home. He looks at Gale and tilts his chin up just a fraction; Gale’s eyes shine with something. His hand moves up his back and cups Sirius’ face, and then he’s leaning down and kissing him. The kiss is warm Sunday afternoons, the smell of shortbread, staying up late watching the telly, thunderstorms spent cuddled in bed. He doesn’t know how a kiss can be all these things, how a kiss can feel so much like home, but it does. He pulls back and smiles, so bright and happy. They lay there for a while, exchanging soft kisses and sweet nothings. After a while, Sirius feels himself drifting into sleep, Gale not far behind.</p><p> </p><p>They wake up to the sound of the doorbell ringing; he rubs his eyes groggily. He smacks his lips uncomfortably and nudges Gale.</p><p>“Get up; someone’s here.” He mumbles, mind still heavy with sleep. Gale wipes at his eyes and looks around the room.</p><p>“Shit must be Mary.” He’s instantly awake and running out of bed, pulling Gale with him. They look a bit worse for wear, their clothes rumpled, and their hair mussed with sleep. Gale opens the door and lets his sister in. Sirius doesn’t recognize her. First, her hair is cut into a short red bob, and thick eyeliner smeared around her eyes. She’s got a purple turtleneck on and a short black skirt, but it is unmistakably Mary MacDonald. She recognizes him immediately, and her mouth drops open in shock.</p><p>“Holy fucking shit, Sirius Black?” Surprisingly she pulls him into a hug, and after a second, he hugs back.</p><p>“Am I missing something?” Gale asks after they pull apart. Sirius runs his hand nervously through his hair and turns to Mary for her to explain.</p><p>“Sirius is a wizard, like me. We went to Hogwarts together and fought together.” When Gale turns questioning eyes to him, Sirius nods in agreement.</p><p>“That explains it. I thought there was something magic about you.” There’s no accusatory tone, just one of amazement, and he lets out a breath. </p><p>“You didn’t know? Has Sirius Black been living as a muggle?” There’s apparent disbelief in her voice, and Gale puts a protective arm around him.</p><p>“He’s done wonderful.” She puts her hands up in surrender and places her bags on the floor.</p><p>“I assume you two are sharing a room, so I’ll set my stuff up in the guest.” She disappears down the hallway with a flick of her hair. </p><p>“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I thought you were a muggle, and I just wanted to forget about all that stuff.” Gale smiles and presses a quick kiss to his forehead.</p><p>“No worries, Mary abandoned all that years ago.” That’s why Remus had never heard from her. He can’t blame her; he’s doing the exact same thing now. Mary returns to the kitchen, where they’ve moved, and starts making herself a cup of tea.</p><p>“Where’s Remus?” She asks, and Sirius remembers why she was the queen of their year. Ruthless and calculating.</p><p>“Who?” Gale asks, and Sirius feels like this whole beautiful perfect thing he’s built is crashing down.</p><p>“He hasn’t told you? Remus is basically his whole fucking world.” As if sensing his internal conflict, Gale shoots a nasty look towards his sister.</p><p>“Mary, cool it, alright?” She rolls her eyes but relents, heading towards the guest room.</p><p>“Remus? Your whole world? Why didn’t you tell me?” He doesn’t sound mad, not even disappointed, just confused.</p><p>“I thought by not talking about it or thinking about it would solve my problems. We’ve known each other since eleven, we got together when we were sixteen, until twenty-one. Then a few years off while I was in prison, and then he got married to my cousin.” It doesn’t sound like a fairytale love story that he thought it was when it’s all laid out in facts.</p><p>“He was my whole world, for a really long time. But I don’t like who I am when I’m with him. I like who I am when I’m with you. It’s the first time I feel like I’m myself in years; you make me better.” He’s crying now, and it’s embarrassing. Gale pulls him in for a hug and runs his hand through his hair.</p><p>“There’s nothing to be ashamed about. I’ve had my fair share of bad relationships, and I think nothing less of you. I like who I am with you as well. Don’t take Mary’s words to heart; she just wants to make trouble.” He knows this well, having been on the receiving end of her sharp wit multiple times.</p><p>“I just want to live like normal people do. Forget all the magic, forget all the tragedy, and just be normal.” He kisses Gale and pulls back with a nervous smile on his face.</p><p>“I want to be normal with you, yeah? Let’s be normal.” Mary walks back in and makes an exaggerated gag as they kiss. They pull apart with twin blushes, and Gale glares at Mary.</p><p> </p><p>Marys arrival had brought an onslaught of unwanted memories. When it was just him and Gale, he could pretend everything else didn’t exist. But with someone from his past sitting at their breakfast table, he can’t forget or shove it to the back of his mind. He hates to admit it, but he misses Remus. He likes Gale, maybe even loves him, and he doesn’t want to lose him. But he needs to see Remus again. They’re watching telly on a Sunday afternoon, only a day after Mary’s left when Sirius decides to bring up the idea.</p><p>“I think I need to see Remus.” Gale only tenses for a second before he turns to Sirius.</p><p>“Yeah?” He gives away nothing, which is odd for someone who wears their heart on their sleeve.</p><p>“I want to say goodbye. I left without saying goodbye, and I thought I was ok, but I’m not.” Gale hums and absently pets a hand through Sirius’ hair.</p><p>“I can’t say I’m happy about it, but if that’s what you need to do.” He has every right to be upset with Sirius’ decision, and he doesn’t know the full extent. Sirius is essentially an addict, and Remus is heroin. He can never get enough, and in the first few moments, everything is beautiful and perfect, and they’re so in love. But then the fighting starts, and the pain, and the anger. But he still fucking loves him, and he hates himself for it.</p><p>“I’ll go tomorrow, and then I’ll be home within the hour.” He doesn’t know if that’s true, but he wants it to be. Gale grunts, and his hand leaves Sirius’ hair, falling to his shoulder. They’re done talking for the night. They’ve never had a fight before, hardly ever disagreed. And Sirius doesn’t even realize they’ve fought until he’s lying in bed without kissing Gale goodnight.</p><p> </p><p>He wakes up before Gale, and he leaves before Gale wakes up.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I don’t wanna lose,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I don’t wanna lose feelings for you,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But when you try so hard,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s hard not to.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>It’s the push and pull babe,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I’m telling you I’m pulling away</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0036"><h2>36. Good old fashioned loverboy pt. 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Double update! This is a sad one.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey? Hey! That's all you have to say to me after a fucking year?” Sirius looks him in the eye and doesn't back down; he pulls his lips into a lazy smile and tilts his head.</p><p>“Actually, I said 'Hey, Remus’” He sees the quick flicker of rage in Remus' eye and his wrist throbs in phantom pain.</p><p>“Don't start pulling that shit with me.” Remus grabs him by the shoulder and drags him inside, slamming him against the wall once the door's closed. His head hits the wall with a painful crack, and he gasps out Remus' name.</p><p>“I thought you were fucking dead! I mourned for you, for the second time in my life!” He'd been so overcome with emotion that day that he'd only thought to leave a simple note. In his Defence, he didn't know Remus would instantly jump to the conclusion that he was dead.</p><p>“I'm sorry ok, but I needed time.” Remus's eyes widen, and his grip on Sirius' shoulders tighten.</p><p>“Time? Time for what, all you had was time!” He flinches back from his voice, and he can see the guilt swimming in Remus' eyes. Him and Gale had never shouted, never even raised their voices.</p><p>“I didn't! I needed time on my own, away from you!” His chest is heaving with the confession, and Remus lets go and takes a step back. Picking up momentum on his confession, he continues.</p><p>“You have been by my side my entire life! I have never been alone; I've never had to think for myself. Do you know how it feels to be constantly rejected by you? Gods, I just needed time to think.” He runs his hand through his hair and looks up at Remus' shocked face. Gale was a beautiful distraction turned friend/lover. And he never really had been alone, not really.</p><p>‘Time to think? What do you need to think about?” Sirius can see his hands trembling by his sides, but he refuses to take them in his own.</p><p>“About me, you, us.” Remus looks scared, and Sirius takes a sick satisfaction in it.</p><p>“And?” His eyes burn with unshed tears; this is probably the hardest thing he's ever had to do. But he has to think of Gale, who’s probably awake waiting for him to come home.</p><p>“Remus, I can't keep doing this. You can't keep pushing me away and pulling me back in. I can't take it anymore.” Remus looks shell shocked, and he takes a wobbly step back.</p><p>“I love you, Sirius. I'm the only one who can look after you.” Remus is crying, actually crying, and it shocks him to the core. Remus hardly ever cried, even during the transformations. Of course, there was screaming, but never tears. Remus just told him he loved him. But it's too late for that, much too late.</p><p>“I know, and that's why this hurts so much. Remus, I can't do this.” He had wanted this to be quick, maybe a 'hey, it's been a year, just stopped by to say hi and never see you again.' He realizes now that that was unrealistic.</p><p>“You can't do this, Sirius. I just got you back; I can't lose you again.” He so desperately wants to reach out to him, to comfort Remus. But he can't lose his resolve; he can't give in to what he so desperately wants.</p><p>“I have never loved anyone as I have loved you. I've never felt this way about anyone, and I never will anymore. It's always been you, Sirius. Only you.” He lets the silent tears slip down his cheeks.</p><p>“I know it took me a while to realize it, and I've been so fucking stupid. I haven't been good to you, yet you've stuck by me all these years.” Sirius chokes out a startled laugh.</p><p>“Loyalty of a fucking dog.” Remus regards this comment with a sad smile and a nod, then he continues.</p><p>“Will, you ever forgive me for believing you were the spy?” Sirius had suspected it that Remus thought it was him for a while; everyone thought it was him. But how could they not? He was a Black, and he had the madness that consumed his whole family.</p><p>“I already have.” There's a profound sadness present in Remus' eyes, and it breaks his heart. </p><p>“I never regretted you, Sirius. The only thing I regretted was letting you go. I should have fought for you; I should have believed that you could never have done that. That's my biggest regret.” His brows furrow, and he looks at Remus.</p><p>“What are you talking about?” Remus disappears for a moment and comes back with a crumpled piece of parchment. He hands it to him, and he quickly unfolds it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Remus,</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>It's been a while, hasn't it? We see each other every day, but we never talk anymore. I know it's hard to look at me; I remind you of everything you've lost. We're not the same people we use to be; I'm not the same. Do you think we can ever come back from this? Will we be able to recover the relationship we lost? I still love you, and I'll love you till the day I die. You hardly look at me these days, that I fear I've already passed and I'm just a ghost haunting you. Do you regret what we had? Do you regret loving me? Because I regret meeting you, let me explain before you get upset. If I never met you, you never would have lost everything you loved. I ruined your life, didn't I? But I wouldn't change it for the world. I would lose everything over and over if it means I got to love you, and you got to love me. Is it selfish? To wish this pain on you, just so you could love me. I don't know if you'll ever read this, and I think I'm ok with this. Right now, you're probably downstairs making google eyes at Nymphadora. You may not love me anymore, and that's ok, but please do not sleep with my cousin for the love of God. I feel I've gone off of topic here. Even though you're distant, you're always there for me, and I want to thank you. I love you, Remus Lupin, forever and always.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Sirius</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He looks up at Remus, shocked.</p><p>“I didn't think you'd ever read this.” Is all he can say. His hands are shaking as he stares at the letter. He wanted to be in and out, no talk of feelings. Because this hurt too much, he can't handle all this pain.</p><p>“Sirius, please. I know you love me, so why can't you stay?” He loves Remus; he really fucking loves him. But they're not right for each other; they never were.</p><p>“Because we're not good for each other!” Remus' eyes widen in shock, and he places his hands on Sirius' shoulders again.</p><p>“Remus,” He whispers, scared to say the words aloud.</p><p>“You hurt me. You abused me, Remus. I couldn't see it at the time; I didn't want to believe it. But it's all I can remember now, and I wish I couldn’t.” He sighs and rubs the tears from his eyes</p><p>“We aren't good for each other, Remus. I love you, but I can't live like this.” He goes to walk away, but a tug on his sleeve pulls him back. Remus is kneeling on the floor, tears streaking down his face.</p><p>“I can't see myself without you; you have always been my world. I've been fucking awful to you, and there's no one to blame but myself. But I can't live without you; my life is meaningless without you in it. Don't go, please. I promise I'll do better. I'll do anything I can to make this right.” Sirius looks down at the man, eyes red-rimmed and cheeks blotched. He's heard this all before, and it's worked each time. Every word breaks his heart, but he has to do this.</p><p>“Remus,” He starts, but Remus shushes him and runs towards the record player. Sirius watches in dumb shock as Remus fiddles with it, then the song's opening notes play.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I can dim the lights and sing you songs full of sad things</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We can do the tango just for two</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I can serenade and gently play on your heartstrings</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Be your Valentino just for you</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The whisp of a memory dances across his mind as Remus comes towards him and pulls him to his chest.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Ooh, love, ooh, loverboy</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What're you doin' tonight, hey, boy?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Set my alarm, turn on my charm</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That's because I'm a good old-fashioned loverboy</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He's tense in Remus' arms as they sway to the music. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Ooh, let me feel your heartbeat (Grow faster, faster)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ooh, ooh, can you feel my love heat?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Come on and sit on my hot-seat of love</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And tell me how do you feel right after all</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sirius lets himself go, and he lets his eyes fall shut, giving himself over to Remus' rhythm. Remus spins him around, and he lets out a startled laugh.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I'd like for you and I to go romancing</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Say the word, your wish is my command</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ooh, love, ooh, loverboy</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What're you doin' tonight, hey, boy?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Write my letter</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Feel much better</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And use my fancy patter on the telephone</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He's pulled back into Remus' arms, and he goes willingly. Remus' smell surrounds him, and he finds himself relaxing even more.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>When I'm not with you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Think of you always</em>
</p><p>
  <em>(I miss those long hot summer nights) I miss you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When I'm not with you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Think of me always</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Love you, love you</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Remus mouths the lyrics and Sirius giggles as he spins him around again.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Hey, boy, where do you get it from?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Hey, boy, where did you go?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I learned my passion</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In the good old-fashioned</em>
</p><p>
  <em>School of loverboys</em>
</p><p> </p><p>They let go of each other, and Sirius spins around the room, landing back into his arms.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Dining at the Ritz we'll meet at nine precisely (One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine o'clock)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I will pay the bill, you taste the wine</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Driving back in style in my saloon will do quite nicely</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Just take me back to yours that will be fine (Come on and get it)</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sirius' gleeful laugh rises above the music, and Remus brings him into a dip.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Ooh, love (There he goes again)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>(He's my good old fashioned loverboy) Ooh, loverboy</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What're you doin' tonight, hey, boy?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Everything's all right</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Just hold on tight</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That's because I'm a good old-fashioned (fashioned) loverboy</em>
</p><p> </p><p>As the finishing cords of the song fade into silence, reality comes crashing back onto him. It destroys him how much he loves Remus and how much he'd rather stay. His smile falls from his face, and he pulls back from the werewolf. </p><p>“Stay, please,” Remus asks.</p><p>“It's breaking my heart to stay.” He walks towards the door, hearing Remus' heavy footsteps behind him.</p><p>“Don't do this to me, please don't do this to me.” He takes one last look at his face because it'll be the last.</p><p>“I'm sorry, Remus. I can't come back.” And he walks out the door.</p><p> </p><p>They both knew this was a lie; no matter what Remus did to him, Sirius would always come crawling back.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I know, you know, we know </em>
</p><p>
  <em>You weren't down for forever, and it's fine</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I know, you know, we know </em>
</p><p>
  <em>We weren't meant for each other and it's fine</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>But if the world was ending</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You'd come over, right?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You'd come over and you'd stay the night</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Would you love me for the hell of it?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>All our fears would be irrelevant</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If the world was ending</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You'd come over, right?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The sky'd be falling and I'd hold you tight</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And there wouldn't be a reason why</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We would even have to say goodbye</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If the world was ending</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You'd come over, right?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Right?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If the world was ending</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You'd come over, right?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Right?</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0037"><h2>37. Go my own way</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Oh boy, last Gale chapter. I honestly was only going to do one chapter with him, but I kinda got attached.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>And the worst part is, I loved you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I loved you, I loved you, it’s true</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And sometimes I feel like I still fucking do</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I lived here, I loved here</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I brought it, it’s true</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m so embarrassed; I feel abused</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It was almost as if Mary orchestrated this whole thing as if she didn’t want Sirius to be happy. But that couldn’t be it; not everything was about him. But he felt that this was the exception, that this was exceptionally about him. Why else would Mary bring up Remus in front of Gale? She sent him on a downward spiral, knowing first hand what Remus does to him, what he makes him do. <em>You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness</em>, is what she said to him. And she fucking played him, played on that sadness that she knew he still felt, even after all these years. But he didn’t want to give her the satisfaction; he wanted to prove to her that he could be better, do better. Or maybe it was to prove to himself. To prove that he wasn’t a worthless sack of shit that would always go running back to Remus’s arms, that he wouldn’t always fall back into the easy comfort Remus provided him. But he fucking loved him, and he couldn’t change that. Gale was all the things Remus wasn’t, or maybe could never be.</p><p> </p><p>He picks up a book off Gale’s bookshelf, Hamlet, and opens it to a random page.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>To be, or not to be--that is the question:</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Or to take arms against a sea of troubles</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep--</em>
</p><p>
  <em>No more--and by a sleep to say we end</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That flesh is heir to. ‘Tis a consummation</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep--</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>For in that sleep of death what dreams may come</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Must give us pause. There’s the respect</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That makes calamity of so long life.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Th’ oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The pangs of despised love, the law’s delay,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The insolence of office, and the spurns</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That patient merit of th’ unworthy takes,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When he himself might his quietus make</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To grunt and sweat under a weary life,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But that the dread of something after death,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The undiscovered country, from whose bourn</em>
</p><p>
  <em>No traveller returns, puzzles the will,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And makes us rather bear those ills we have</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Than fly to others that we know not of?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Remus never liked Shakespeare, claimed it was too bleak and almost realistic. He wouldn’t be surprised if he found out their whole lives were a Shakespeare tragedy. Maybe that’s why this feels like it won’t last. When he wakes in the morning with the hazy sleep still in his eyes, he thinks he sees Remus lying next to him. He has to set the book down and busy his hands with making a pot of tea. He’d only gotten back an hour ago, and Gale still isn’t up, which worries him. After his year of living with Gale, he started to become used to Gale’s routine, so it was strange to not see him puttering around the kitchen. Once the tea is made, he fills his cup and lets an earl grey tea bag steep; after a moment’s hesitation, he fills a cup for Gale as well.</p><p> </p><p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p> </p><p>He’s been feeling the tension slowly building for a month, and he’s almost sure it’s going to snap soon. He doesn’t expect it to happen on a Sunday afternoon. Gale has just returned from the grocery store and puts away some tea bags when he lets out a heaving sigh.</p><p>“You didn’t tell me we were out of earl grey.” Sirius turns to him from the couch and mumbles out a sorry.</p><p>“It’s fine; you should just tell me when things aren’t right.” Sensing there’s a deeper meaning, he gets up and heads over to the kitchen.</p><p>“What is this about, and don’t say tea.” He crosses his arm and tilts his hips, getting defensive. He doesn’t want to argue, but he can’t help but feel the adrenaline course through his veins.</p><p>“What do you think it’s about?” Gale snaps, and Sirius has to fight back a smile. Finally, they’re getting somewhere.</p><p>“Remus.” He says, and Gale nods.</p><p>“Alright, then let it out.” Sirius leans back against the counter and arches an eyebrow at Gale.</p><p>“How do you do it?” Confused, Sirius asks,</p><p>“How do I do <em>what?</em>”</p><p>“Pretend you’re ok.” He wants to laugh, he’s fucking fine.</p><p>“I’m <em>not</em> pretending.” Gale gives him a look, and Sirius cowers beneath it.</p><p>“Yes you are, every single day. And it’s starting to piss me off; why can’t you be fucking honest for once? You’ve been lying to me since day one.” Bristling at the accusation, he defends himself.</p><p>“I have not; I just didn’t fucking tell you all of it. And it’s not like I could come up to you and just say, ‘I just got out of wizard prison after being falsely accused of killing my friends, oh and I’ve just left my abusive ex-boyfriend who married my cousin.’ You would have rolled up your window and left me on the side of the road.” Gale’s face barely registers any surprise at his confession, and he suspects Mary’s told him all about it. He now feels an un-rational surge of anger at the witch; what fucking business does she have disclosing his personal information.</p><p>“Mary was right about you.” His eye twitches in anger, and he itches to curse Mary.</p><p>“Yeah? Enlighten me.” Gale runs a hand over his face in apparent exhaustion, and Sirius feels another surge of anger. Is it really that exhausting to be talking to him?</p><p>“She said you were a conceited jerk, who only cares about himself. Do you even care about me, or am I just a rebound?” Fucking Mary MacDonald.</p><p>“That’s not true she’s biased against me!” They never really got along back in school, but it was both of their faults.</p><p>“Yeah? Then tell me something. Do you still love him?” Sirius opens and closes his mouth a few times, searching for an answer that isn’t there. Gale just levels him with a look and speaks before Sirius gets the chance.</p><p>“Look, we all make mistakes when we’re sixteen-”</p><p>“Remus was not a mistake!” He would never ever consider Remus a mistake. Remus saved him; Remus built him from the ground up.</p><p>“That’s the fucking problem, Sirius! You obviously still love him, so why are you here?” Why is he here if not to avoid Remus?</p><p>“Do you love him, just tell me!” </p><p>“A distraction.” He whispers, knowing that it’s the truth. He feels fucking awful about it because Gale is fantastic.</p><p>“But we can make this work, we’re good together.” He tries desperately to grasp this relationship’s threads, and Gale takes a step back from him.</p><p>“This isn’t working out, can’t you see!” He can see that, but he wants to hold onto the one good relationship he’s ever had.</p><p>“I can make it work! I can change!” Glad rolls his eyes and slams the cupboard door shut, causing Sirius to jump.</p><p>“This isn’t fucking working! It’s over!” Holding back the sting of tears, Sirius pinches the bridge of his nose.</p><p>“Fine!” He yells</p><p>“Fine.” Gale says. The pain is evident in Gale’s eyes, and Sirius knows he’s the cause of all of it.</p><p>“I wanted to believe you’d be different than Mary said, but I was wrong.” Sirius takes a big step towards Gale and holds his head in his hands.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Gale’s eyes shut, and he allows one more parting kiss. Sirius pulls a fraction of space away and lets a tear slip down his cheek.</p><p>“<em>Obliviate.</em>” A hazy look appears in the man’s eyes, and Sirius steps away and summons his wand.</p><p>“Goodbye, Gale.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Tell me why</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Everything turned around</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Packing up</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Shacking up is all you want to do</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If I could</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Baby, I'd give you my world</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Open up</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Everything's waiting for you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You can go your own way</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Go your own way</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You can call it</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Another lonely day</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You can go your own way</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Go your own way</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0038"><h2>38. Andromeda Black</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Birthday bonus. Because it is Remus' birthday I have decided to post a new chapter, so please enjoy and leave a comment &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>The first time Andromeda meets Remus lupin, he’s fourteen years old. She’s recently turned twenty and Nymphadora is one year old.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>She’s been expecting Sirius and his friend for the past hour, but as usual, her cousin is late. He’s bringing along his school friend, whose name is Remus Lupin, apparently he’s a werewolf. She says apparently because Sirius hadn’t exactly been clear on the subject, though she doesn’t blame him. Werewolves have been largely demonized in the Wizarding world, and they face a shit ton of prejudice. She doesn’t have the same stigma as her family, and would be more than happy to have Sirius’ friend over for a few nights. She’s surprised Walburga even let her son out of the house for the winter holiday’s, but she’s sure her cousin has fed her some sort of lie as to where he is. Just as she’s about to get really pissed off, the doorbell rings. She stands up, wipes her hands on her skirt, and answers the door. Sirius’ hair has gotten longer, and he’s got it done up in a small ponytail. His friend, Remus, has short curly hair that falls into his eyes. She smiles and lets them walk past her into the house.</p><p>“It’s about time.” She says, no real anger behind the words. Sirius sticks his tongue out at her and drapes himself across the sofa.</p><p>“Ted not around?” He asks, as he messes with a loose thread in the fabric.</p><p>“No, he’s out with Nymphadora.” She finally turns to Remus, who looks so awkward standing by the door with his hands held tight around his back back.</p><p>“You must be Remus. Pleasure to meet you.” She holds out her hand to shake, and doesn’t take it to heart when Remus doesn’t notice it. He’s too busy looking at Sirius, seeming to have some telepathic conversation.</p><p>“We’ll bring our stuff up and get settled?” She nods and watches as they walk up stairs, Remus trailing close behind Sirius. She spells away the loose thread Sirius picked apart and heads towards the kitchen. Her first impression of the boy is that he’s quiet, he hadn’t even said one word to her. But she doesn’t take it to heart, Sirius had explained that he was rather introverted. She flicks her wand and the dishes and ingredients for beef stew begin to prepare themselves. She’d never gotten the hang of cooking like a muggle, so she left the dirty work to Ted, who really quite enjoyed it. Speaking of, he should be back with Nymphadora any minute now. It was sometimes hard for them to go out in public with their daughter because of her Animagus abilities, it would take a few years for her to learn to control them. Sirius had visited when she’d first been born and had been an instigator of mischief ever since, he actively encouraged the colour changes and had no thoughts for the grief it was giving Andromeda. But she didn’t mind all that much, she wanted Nymphadora to grow up in a loving household, and Sirius had a lot of love to give. She sometimes thought how strange it was that he came out the way he has when living in a place like Grimmauld. She’d only been there for family events and she’d felt like she’d never feel happy again. But she supposed Sirius had good friends, people he could reach out to for help. While the knife is cutting carrots she sets to making a pot of tea, earl grey, Sirius’ favourite.She’s not sure what Remus’ favourite tea is, Sirius hasn’t really told her much about him. Soon after the kettle has boiled the boys return to the main floor. She hears them chatting quietly but she can’t quiet make out the words, Remus laughs at something Sirius says and Andromeda smiles to herself. SHe’d heard a lot about James, Sirius’ first real friend, almost brother, but this Remus is a complete mystery. She smiles at them as they walk into the kitchen and hands them both mugs.</p><p>“Earl grey?” Sirius asks.</p><p>“Of course, Remus?” He looks startled to be asked a question and Sirius answers for him.</p><p>“Orange pekoe.” She summons the unopened box and hands it to the startled boy.</p><p>“Thank you.” He mumbles and Sirius rolls his eyes. The dishes set themselves on the table s she pours the hot water into their cups.</p><p>“Sit down, dinner won’t be long now.” The front door opens and Andromeda rushes to greet her husband and daughter.</p><p>“Ted,” She kisses him on the cheek, and then turns her attention to Nymphadora.</p><p>“My little darling, how was it?” She asks as she lifts her out of the carriage.</p><p>“Not too bad, though she fancied turning her hand into a flower.” Just as he says it, Nymphadora raises her tiny fist, which now resembles a daisy.”</p><p>“Wicked, how’s my little Nym!” Sirius comes running in and snatches Nymphadora straight out of her arms. He spins her around and she cries out gleefully.</p><p>“Sirius! You’re going to drop her.” Remus whisper shouts and it’s the first time she’s heard him speak. He’s got a soft voice, with a welsh lilt to it that she finds soothing. Sirius instantly sets her down and she wobbles over too Andromeda.Knowing Sirius for his whole life, he was never one to blindly do what others told him. But following Remus’ command came like second nature to him. She files that information away for another time, and directs everyone back to the dinning room. She sits next to Ted with Nymphadora on her right. Sirius is on Remus’ right with no one else on his other side, just how it always is. Sirius looks genuinely happy sitting next to Remus, nudging him and whispering in low voices and laughing. She likes that Remus is making him happy, she likes how happiness looks on him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The second time she meets Remus lupin he’s thirty six, she’s forty two and her daughter Nymphadora is twenty three. They’re holding hands.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>She didn’t expect to see Nymphadora and Remus today, not for a long time actually. And then they tell her Sirius is dead. They come into her home, holding hands, and tell her her cousin is dead. She invites them in, because Ted tells her it’s the right thing to do. In that moment she hates Remus Lupin. She knows Sirius loved him more than anything in the world, yet here he is parading around with her daughter on his arm. She cries that night, burying herself into Ted’s arms. She doesn’t think it’s fair, though she knows that the world is not fair. Sirius had suffered so much, too much for someone so young. And when she first met Remus, she thought he made Sirius better. But the first few years they left school his light dimmed, She never said anything, because she was a coward, and Sirius still claimed that Remus made him the happiest man in the world. So she stayed silent, and kept it close to her heart, just like a Slytherin. She regrets it now, as she weeps into her husbands shoulders, and as she hears Remus Lupin defiling her only daughter.</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t speak to them, tries to avoid them at all costs because it hurts her heart too much. She doesn’t want Remus to be happy, he doesn’t deserve to be happy, not after what he did. And her pour baby cousin, dead before he got to be free. It’s not fucking fair.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Mom, I'm tired</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Can I sleep in your house tonight?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mom, is it alright</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If I stay for a year or two?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Mom, I'll be quiet</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It would be just to sleep at night</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I'll leave once I figure out</em>
</p><p>
  <em>How to pay for my own life too</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0039"><h2>39. The little things</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>second to last chapter, wow.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I, I'll never be, be what you see inside</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You say I'm not alone, but I am petrified</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You say that you are close, is close the closest star?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You just feel twice as far, you just feel twice as far</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And I'll fall</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I'll break</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I'll fake</em>
</p><p>
  <em>All I wanna</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“He’s so small; how is he so bloody small?” He holds Harry protectively to his chest and gently rocks his whole body back and forth.</p><p>“That’s a normal-sized baby, Padfoot.” James chuckles as he watches the scene. Lily returns from the kitchen, and James pulls her into his lap.</p><p>“But he’s so tiny! Do you see this Moony? Look how small.” Sirius’ eyes widen as Harry’s chubby fist grabs onto his finger, and he doesn’t mind as that same finger is now transferred to Harry’s mouth.</p><p>“Absolutely Tiny, Sirius.” Remus agrees and watches as Sirius walks around the room. He loves the feel of baby Harry in his arms; the warm weight is comforting. He wishes Remus wanted this for them, but he couldn’t dwell on that. For now, he had lovely little Harry in his arms.</p><p>“Come hold him.” He pulls Remus up with his free arm and completely ignores his protests.</p><p>“C’mon, he’ll love you.” He sees James’ concerned look out of the corner of his eye but ignores it.</p><p>“Sirius, I really don’t want to.” He ignores this and tries to place Harry in Remus’ arms, but Remus steps away.</p><p>“No, Sirius! Let it go!” His expression falls, but he quickly schools his features back into an easy-going smile. He returns Harry to Lily and awkwardly hugs the both of them.</p><p>“I think it’s time Remus and I go home. I’ll try to come over next week, yeah?” James gives him an indiscernible look and nods. He sees James glance over at Remus and gives him a dark look. Before the situation is given a chance to escalate, Sirius grabs Remus’ hand and disapparates.</p><p> </p><p>“Sirius, I didn’t mean to yell at you.” Remus scrubs a hand over his face and sits heavily on their sofa.</p><p>“Why don’t you want to hold Harry? He’s your godson as much as he’s mine.” Sirius doesn’t get it. No matter how hard he tries to understand, he just can’t.</p><p>“He’s not! That’s where you’re wrong; he’s not my godson.” Then it clicks. He settles next to Remus and rests his head on Remus’ shoulder.</p><p>“You’re not a monster. You deserve to be happy, Gods Remus; how many times do I have to tell you?” Remus huffs under his breath, and Sirius runs his hand up to his thigh.</p><p>“We all love you just the same, and Harry will love you. Uncle Moony.” Remus’s arm wraps around his shoulder, and he pulls him in even closer.</p><p>“But he’s so small, what if I hurt him? As much as you hate hearing it, it’s true. I’m a monster.” Frustrated with his lack of progress, Sirius changes tactics.</p><p>“I’m a monster. I’ve killed people, I’ve hurt people, and I enjoyed it. Sometime’s I dream of hurting people.” He hadn’t meant to get that real, but Remus needs to hear that he has these desires.</p><p>“It’s war, Sirius. We’ve all killed people.” Sirius groans in frustration and tries a different approach, unsure of how Remus will react.</p><p>“You know it’s not the first time I thought about killing. You’re aware of what I’m capable of.” Remus sucks in a breath, and his arm tightens around Sirius.</p><p>“It’s not the same thing.” Sirius pinches his thigh, and Remus jumps.</p><p>“You’re right, it’s not. I sent Snape there fully knowing that you would rip him to shreds. Did you know I thought about what he would look like after you got to him? I wished I could have been there to see the fear in his eyes.” He feels Remus shudder, and he pulls away. His heart drops to his stomach, thinking he’s finally taken it too far until he sees the straining bulge in Remus’ trousers. He looks up to him in surprise and meets Remus’s flushed face.</p><p>“Whenever I thought about it afterwards, it made me hard. I felt so disgusted with myself, but it turns you on, doesn’t it?” Remus says, and his insides flutter. He nods his head dumbly, unable to form words.</p><p>“You’re a fucking freak, but you’re my freak. Would you do anything for me?” Unable to control himself any longer, he scrambles into Remus’ lap and kisses him. It’s filthy and wrong, but oh so right. Remus’s teeth nip at his lips, and their tongues swipe across each other. When he pulls away, Sirius places a kiss just below his ear and whispers,</p><p>“I’ll do anything for you.” Remus grabs his hips and thrusts into him.</p><p>“We’re both monsters, how about that?” Remus says, and Sirius nods even though this conversation has really gotten away from him. With deft fingers, Remus undoes the button on his jeans and pulls down the zip. All thoughts of discussion leave Sirius’ mind as Remus takes his cock in his hands and pumps it a few times.</p><p>“Gonna fuck you,” Remus whispers into his ear as he lightly tugs on his cock. He nods and mumbles out a hurried yes; Remus places both his hands on his ass and lifts him up. Sirius yelps as he almost tumbles to the floor, but Remus holds him steady. Once they get to their room, Remus tosses him on the bed, and he bounces a few times before sprawling himself out. Remus regards him with hungry eyes and watches him for a moment. Sirius takes this moment to let his eyes roam over Remus’s body, but they focus on his hands. Trembling at his sides, when Remus notices, he clenches them into fists.</p><p>“Turn around.” Remus orders and Sirius hesitates for a second. The only time they didn’t face each other was after a terrible moon when Remus was feeling less than human.</p><p>“I want to look at you.” He ventures cautiously. Remus’ eyes flash dangerously, and he takes a step forward. His heart rate picks up, and he’s sure that Remus hears it, but he keeps his face neutral. His erection is all but gone now, and the mood has shattered, at least for him. He can still see the tent in Remus’ trousers, but he doesn’t feel like doing anything about it. Remus growls low in his throat, seemingly incapable of words at the moment. He beckons Remus closer with a finger, and he slowly moves forward, his eyes darting around the room. Once he’s settled on the bed, Sirius carefully unbuttons his jumper and pulls it off his head. He moves down to unbuckle his belt and shimmy him out of his trousers. Once Remus is fully nude, Sirius does the same to himself. He wraps himself around Remus and lightly kisses him on the cheek.</p><p>“I love you so much, Remus.” He runs his hand down his chest and grasps his still hard cock, quickly tugging him off. Remus comes with a stifled moan against his shoulder. Sirius rubs soothing circles into his back until the shudders have passed.</p><p>“That’s it, shhh, it’s ok.” Remus falls boneless against the bed Sirius follows him. Remus nuzzles into his neck, and then the damn breaks. Remus takes a gasping breath, and then he’s sobbing into Sirius’ shoulder. With the arm still wrapped around him, Sirius pulls him closer and rubs his back.</p><p>“It’s ok, let it out.” Remus’s body shakes with his sobs, and Sirius mumbles soothing comforts.</p><p>“I don’t like who I am. I don’t like how I act. <em>I am</em> a monster, Sirius. Don’t you see what I do to you?” Remus’s hand brushes against a purple bruise high up on his thigh, and he tries not to flinch.</p><p>“It’s ok, Remus. I like them; I like knowing I belong to you.” Remus tries to reach for his cock, but Sirius slaps his hand away.</p><p>“Don’t distract me with sex, Remus.” He pulls away slightly so that he can flip onto his side and look Remus in the eyes.</p><p>“You’re not perfect, we’re not perfect, so what? We’ve all made mistakes, ok? And it doesn’t make me love you any less. It makes me love you more because it shows me <em>you’re human.</em>” Remus avoids eye contact, and Sirius forces it with a steady hand on his chin.</p><p>“Yeah, you’re fucking mean sometimes, and you do hurt my feelings. But <em>I still love you. </em>I love you so much that it scares me sometimes. But you, Remus Lupin, are not a monster.” Silent tears are slipping down Remus’ face, and Sirius wipes them away with his thumb.</p><p>“Do you believe me?” It takes a while for Remus to respond, and Sirius waits.</p><p>“Yes. Can I wash you? I need to clean you.” He smiles lovingly at him and helps him stand up, leading him to the bathroom.</p><p>“I love you, Sirius.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0040"><h2>40. We're not the kids we used to be</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I can't believe this is the end. This story has really been a journey for me, I honestly didn't expect it to be this long. I also never thought it would get this much attention, and I am so grateful for everyone of you that enjoyed it. I'm gonna do some self promo here, but I've got a new fic in the works. It's called Liquid Smooth, and it's a modern non magic AU. I would be super happy if you guys could check it out. It'll be posted the same time as his chapter, so please give it a look.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Wonder this time where she's gone</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Wonder if she's gone to stay</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ain't no sunshine when she's gone</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And this house just ain't no home</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Anytime she goes away</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Even though he said he wouldn't come back, he finds himself at Remus' doorstep a month later. His hands stay glued to his side as he stares at the unassuming door, sage green with a bronze door knocker. He can hear voices inside but cannot identify who they belong to. He takes a drag from the cigarette perched in his lip and blows the smoke into a nearby garden bed. When he and Remus were together, they’d lived in a dingy apartment in a bad part of town. But now Remus lives in a little cottage in the countryside, Sirius' dream. He never really talked about how he wanted to settle down in some nice cottage in the country, and spend all his time looking after Remus. He loved it, loved cleaning the cuts after a full moon, washing his hair when he was too sore to do so himself. He just wanted them to be together all the time, but that was a fantasy, not real life. Of course, the war had gotten in the way of that dream, and then he'd gone and died. He huffs out a humourless laugh and crushes his spent cigarette beneath his boot. He knows Nymphadora is dead, had actually felt it when she died; he suspects that his seer blood fed off of the veil's power. He'd thought she'd been the final obstacle to them being together, but he'd been wrong. He loves Remus, he really does, but he hadn't been ready to fall back into their old dynamic. But after seeing Remus cry and beg at his feet, he felt it would really be different this time. He had still left, though, because he couldn't give in that easily. So he'd gone back to Scotland, too Gale, but he couldn’t stop thinking about Remus. And then everything had boiled over into a messy spill, that had left Gale forgetting all about their time together. He regrets it, but knowing him only put Gale in danger. There wasn’t the passion, the screaming anger that fuelled them, that let them know that they were alive. He runs his hand nervously through his hair and finally goes to knock, but the door opens before he can make contact. Harry is stood shocked face with a baby in his arms. Sirius can instantly recognize the baby as Remus', that hooked nose is unmistakable. Harry's hair has gotten longer, and it curls at his shoulders.</p><p>"Harry? What's the holdup?" Ginny Weasley appears behind him, and she, too, drops her mouth open in shock.</p><p>"Sirius?" He nods his head, unable to speak past the buildup of tears in his throat. Harry lunges toward him and pulls him into a crushing hug, the baby getting smushed between them.</p><p>"Harry, you’re squishing Edward." He mumbles against his shoulder, and Harry hastily pulls away, patting the baby's head.</p><p>“Hi? How? How are you back? I watched you go through the veil." He picks his skin nervously and is saved from responding by Remus' approaching figure.</p><p>"Take Teddy to the park; I'll explain everything later. Sirius, come in." He gives Harry a small wave as they bypass each other, the shocked expression remaining on his face. Remus closes the door behind them and sighs heavily.</p><p>"You didn't tell Harry?" He questions.</p><p>"I was selfish; I wanted you for myself." He admits, and Sirius is grateful for the truth.</p><p>"I came back." Remus nods and invites him to sit down on the couch. Their thighs brush against each other, and it sends electric shocks through his body.</p><p>"You came back." He states, not surprised.</p><p>"You know I can't stray far from you. I never should have left." He adds on.</p><p>"No, you needed time to yourself, time to think." He stares down at his feet as Remus's words wash over him. He's glad he understands, and he feels bad about deciding to keep Gale a secret.</p><p>"I only need you, Remus." And then the spell breaks. Remus's hand is on his chin, and he's turning Sirius' face to his.</p><p>“Do you mean it?” Sirius nods, and then they're kissing. It's as if no years have passed, and they're sixteen again in James' spare bedroom. It’s nostalgia, it’s possessive, it’s raw and painful, but Sirius loves it so goddamn much. He straddles Remus' thighs and threads his fingers through his hair, tugging lightly. Their tongues do a dance only they can do, and Sirius moans into his mouth. They pull back for air and stare into the eyes of each other. Remus runs a finger down Sirius' cheek and brushes it over his swollen lips.</p><p>"I never should have let you go. God, Sirius, we've waisted so many years, but not anymore." Sirius lets his head rest in the crook of Remus' neck and breaths in his comforting scent.</p><p>"I'm never gonna leave your side. Never gonna be without you again." He mumbles, content. Remus's hands are warm on his back as he rubs it soothingly. Remus's hands run over his scalp and lightly scratches at it, causing Sirius to moan.</p><p>"Fuck me?" He propositions and smiles when Remus' pupils dilate. Seemingly incapable of words, Remus nods and picks him up. He yelps as Remus stands up and clings tightly to his muscled shoulders. He buries his face in the crook of Remus' neck and inhales, already missing the scent. He feels the vibration of Remus's laugh against his lips, and he sucks a little bruise into the skin. Remus grunts as he gently sets Sirius down on the bed and pulls him into a tender kiss. Remus' hands run over his back and slide under his Queen t-shirt; he takes a shuddering breath as warm hands meet cold skin. When Remus goes to pull his shirt off, Sirius stops his hands. Remus pulls back and looks at him with concern in his eyes.</p><p>"My body, it doesn't look like it used to." Even after six years out of Azkaban, his body was still sharp angles and protruding bones. All that he sees in Remus' golden eyes is love, just love.</p><p>"I don't care what your body looks like; I'll always think you're beautiful." He blushes a deep red and takes Remus' hands in his own.</p><p>"We don't have to do anything if you're not comfortable. Just say the word, and we'll stop." It's been over twelve years since he's done anything in the sexual department, and he doesn't know if his body still works like that. There was nothing sexual with Gale, because it wasn’t their dynamic.</p><p>"I want you, I want to do this. But I don't know if I still work, down there." Remus' eyes crinkle in amusement, and he strokes Sirius' cheek with his thumb.</p><p>"That's ok. I'll take anything you give me." Remus pulls him in for another gentle kiss, and Sirius melts into it, feeling safe and happy. This time he lets Remus take his shirt off and whimpers as a finger runs over his nipple. There's a tingle low in his stomach, and he arches into Remus' touch. He tugs on the ends of Remus' shirt, and he gets the message, pulling it off over his head. He runs his hands over old and new scars and kisses each one.</p><p>"Do you still want to do this?" Remus asks, and Sirius nods his head eagerly. They make quick work of their pants until they're both sitting on the bed, naked. Remus' cock is thick and long and flushed a deep red. Pre-cum drools from the tip, and Sirius watches the pearly sheen, unable to draw his eyes away. Remus' hands run across his hips, and he's finally able to pull his eyes away from the glorious sight. His own penis is pathetically flaccid, and his cheeks colour in embarrassment. Remus tilts his chin up and forces him to look into his eyes.</p><p>"It's ok, I'm not mad. We can stop if you want." There's still low-grade arousal simmering in his belly, and he can't stop looking at Remus' beautiful cock.</p><p>"I still want to do this. Can we please do this?" Remus nods, and they resume their kissing, letting their hands trail everywhere. Sirius' find that magnificent appendage, and he pumps it a few times; Remus moans low and deep into his mouth.</p><p>"You can fuck me. Wanna feel you inside me." Remus thrusts up into his hand, and he tugs on his lower lip, almost drawing blood.</p><p>"Yeah? I can do that?" Sirius nods his enthusiasm, and Remus flips heir positions, so his legs are spread wide, and Remus' face is in between them. He fights against the urge to close his legs in embarrassment as Remus runs his finger over the pucker. It doesn't feel like he remembers, but he's sure it's just the passing of time. His head falls back against the pillow, and he closes his eyes. A cap opens, and then a cold, wet sensation is at his hole; he jolts back from the sensation, and Remus soothes him with a hum. It doesn't feel like anything, just like a wet finger is in his ass. He moves his hips in little circles, trying to adjust to the feeling.</p><p>"Another?" He nods his affirmation, and another finger is pushed in. Remus scissors them, and he grunts in the strange feeling. He used to love this, used to fucking beg for it. But now, it feels like nothing. Before he even realizes tears are running down his cheeks, and he's starting to quietly sniffle. Remus notices this and pulls his fingers out with a wet squelch.</p><p>"What's wrong? Sirius, did I do something wrong?" His non gross hand is checking Sirius' face over and whipping his tears.</p><p>"I used to like it so much, but now I feel nothing." A sob chokes him up, and he pulls Remus down on top of him. He sobs into his shoulder as Remus rubs his back, his mumbles something Sirius can't quite make out.</p><p>"I'm sorry, this is pathetic." Remus pulls away, and Sirius thinks he's going to get up and leave.</p><p>"No, no. This isn't your fault. It's going to take time to get you back. I'm not upset; just come here." He wipes his disgusting snot and tears and tucks his head into Remus' shoulder, his favourite spot.</p><p>"I'm sorry." He says again, unable to help himself. Remus runs his hands through his haired tugs it lightly.</p><p>"It's not your fault, Sirius. I still love you just as much. We don’t ever have to do that agin, ok? Just having you here in my arms is enough.” He sniffles a bit and leans more into Remus' touch.</p><p>"Tell me something I don't know." He whispers.</p><p>"Well, what do you want to know?" He's scared to ask it, but it's been nagging him since he found out.</p><p>"Who was it? Who’d you fuck?" Remus sucks in a breath, and his hand stills in his hair.</p><p>"Sirius, really?" He questions, and Sirius nods.</p><p>"Yes, really, I want to know who you thought was better than me." He hadn't meant to say that last part, but it's the truth. Because why else would Remus seek Someone else?</p><p>"Someone from the pack. I didn't even know their name. The situation was tense; I thought every day would be my last. And I wasn't thinking straight, but no one was better than you. I regretted it immediately after; that was the night I came home." Maybe he shouldn't have asked; the truth always hurt.</p><p>"It only happened once?" He has to ask.</p><p>"Of course, I never should have done it the first time." He snuggles closer to Remus. There's a moment of silence before Remus speaks again,</p><p>"How did you know? Then I was unfaithful." Sirius lets out a humourless laugh.</p><p>"I didn't." He admits.</p><p>"You didn't?" He sighs.</p><p>"No. You were acting weird, and you couldn't look me in the eye. It was a shot in the dark. I didn't think you'd actually done it. I wasn't going to leave, but then you'd admitted it, and I couldn't fucking look at you." He wished that day had never happened, but he's sorta glad it did.</p><p>"I'm sorry. There isn't enough time in the world for me to make it up to you." He takes Remus' hand in his and gently squeezes.</p><p>"Let's start with today." He feels more so then sees Remus nod.</p><p>"Your turn." His whole body tenses, and he’s sure Remus feels it. Over the years he’s gathered lots of secrets. They used to be truthful about everything, but that was then. But he recalls a moment from the past, and he’d see something he’d never thought would come to pass.</p><p>“Remember that camping trip we went on?” He can only remember bits and pieces from it, none of the bits good.</p><p>“Yeah?” Remus responds hesitantly. Sirius closes his eyes, and pulls up the memory from the dregs of his mind. He feels it more so than sees it, the fear, the aching loneliness.</p><p>“I said I saw a boggart, do you remember that?” It’s almost as if he’s there again.</p><p>“Yeah, you really scared me.” Remus comments, looking at him raptly.</p><p>“There was never a boggart. I never told you this, but when I was younger I used to see things.” He unconsciously brushes his finger underneath his left eye, Remus catches this and watches the movement.</p><p>“There’s some strong seers in my family, and I guess I was unfortunate enough to inherit it. This eye,” He almost pushes his finger into it,</p><p>“Can see things that aren’t there, but it’s not good at seeing things that <em>are</em> there.” He never even told James about it. As a child he continuously ran into things and his mother had begrudgingly gotten him a pair of glasses, but they’d done nothing.</p><p>“That day, I saw <em>this.</em>” At Remus’ quizzical look he elaborates.</p><p>“Not exactly this.” He sighs, struggling to find the words.</p><p>“I saw you leaving me, and getting with someone else. And when I asked you about it, you said you’d never leave me. And I wanted to believe you, I really did, but I’ve never been wrong before.” When Remus reaches up to wipe a tear away, Sirius realizes he’s been crying. He chews his bottom lip and sniffles, pulling out strands of hair.</p><p>“What did you see?” He whispers, and Sirius knows he’s been caught. His eyes fix on a stain on the wall, and he tangles his finger in a strand of hair.</p><p>“I saw James die.” His voice is barely a whisper, but Remus’ keen hearing picks it up.</p><p>“That’s why I changed secret keeper, I thought <em>I</em> betrayed them.” He never got the full picture with his visions, and it usually led him to the wrong conclusions.</p><p>“I killed them, Remus. It was all my fault.” Remus’ hand cups his cheek and he wipes at his tears.</p><p>“It’s not your fault that you’re burdened with this. It’s not your fault James and Lily died. You were given a piece of a puzzle and you made a decision that you thought was right.” Most times Remus babied him, sugar coated every sentence so he came out ok. But he’s glad he hasn’t done it this time, he needs the cold truth.</p><p>“I’m scared, Remus. What if I see something awful again, what if you leave?”</p><p>"I'm right here, Sirius, and I'm never leaving you again." He wants to believe it; he really does. But it's just like Remus said, forever is for fairytales.</p><p>"But you've left before, Remus. How can I be sure you won't leave again?" The guilt in Remus' eyes is apparent, and he feels a hint of regret.</p><p>"You can't." He admits with sadness. Sirius takes in a shuddering breath as a warm hand travels up his side.</p><p>"But you have to believe in me. I want you to believe my words. I'm never going to leave you, ever again." Remus' arms wrap around him, and he pulls him even closer, placing a kiss on the crown of his head.</p><p>"It'll take time, but we'll rebuild the trust we used to have. We'll make this work." Sirius feels Remus's semi-hard cock push against his hip, and he chuckles. Remus’ arousal had always been on a hair-trigger, and he still seems to be.</p><p>"Do you want me to suck you off?" Remus splutters, and Sirius chuckles against his neck.</p><p>"Only if you want to." He mumbles in embarrassment.</p><p>"I would love nothing more."</p><p> </p><p>They’ve been sitting in silence for over ten minutes now, not knowing how to break the ice. Harry, Ginny, and Teddy returned fifteen minutes ago, which is how they’ve been since. Remus comes back in with a tray of drinks and quietly hands them out. He sips it gratefully and looks to Remus for guidance. </p><p>“As you can clearly see, Sirius is no longer dead.” Harry’s brow furrows, and Sirius takes another sip.</p><p>“No longer? So he was dead at some point?” He stares down into his glass and watches the movement of the ice. During his year away, he didn’t think about what happened; he didn’t want to. So he threw himself into a new life, just being completely free of everything he used to know and be.</p><p>“Yes, for almost two years.” Ginny whistles and stares at him with rapt attention. He squirms in his seat, and Remus settles a hand on his knee, calming him.</p><p>“But how did he come back? How did he end up in your living room?” Remus sighs and lifts himself up, going over the book case. Sirius observes him as he pulls out a suede notebook, his heart rate picks up as said notebook is handed to Harry and Ginny. He chews his nail as he watches their changing expressions and frequently glances at Remus.</p><p>“Sirius, this is horrible.” The notebook is placed back on the table, and Sirius snatches it up, holding it protectively to his chest. Ideally, no one but him should have seen this notebook; nobody but him should know what a freak of nature he is.</p><p>“But I don’t really get what this has to do with him dying.” Sirius isn’t too sure about it either, but he knows Remus has figured it out.</p><p>“In the muggle world, they’ll sometimes take tiny amounts of poison to eventually become immune to it. What I assume Orion was doing was slowly exposing Sirius to the death-cap to create immunity. And Angel’s Trumpet alludes to divine power, or maybe an immunity to divine power. So by combining these potions, he essentially created an immunity to death.” <em>Am I not a God?</em> He said those words to Regulus, but not in this world.</p><p>“I saw my brother.” He whispers, and only Remus seems to have heard him. There’s a concerned expression on his face, and Sirius ignores it, looking up at Harry. There’s something in his eyes, something so familiar. Ginny rubs his arms soothingly, and he seems to finally have the power to speak.</p><p>“I was a Horcrux, and Dumbledore knew the whole time. I was raised to be killed.” Sirius sucks in a breath and digs his nails into his palms. James and Lily would be horrified if they could see this now, if they could hear this.</p><p>“We’ve all been dealt a shitty hand,” He starts,</p><p>“But it’s over now, it’s time to start over.” He grabs Remus’ hand with his free on, and gives a reassuring squeeze. Harry’s eyes drift to their hands, and he looks back up at Sirius.</p><p>“Are you staying?” Harry asks earnestly. Sirius looks to Remus for confirmation, and he sees it in his eyes. All the love and longing, lurking just beneath the surface, and he knows he has to stay.</p><p>“I’m not going anywhere. And I mean it this time.” He had wanted to stay before, but it hadn’t been right. But now, this is the only place for him, in Remus’ house, in his arms. He stands up, still clutching the notebook; he walks over to the fire and looks into it. Remus comes up behind him and places a comforting hand on his shoulder.</p><p>“This is the end of an era, isn’t it?’ He asks, knowing that it ended a long time ago.</p><p>“It’s the beginning of a new one,” Remus says, and together they toss the notebook into the flames. Harry and Ginny join them, handing baby Teddy to Remus. He coos happily and tries to reaching the fire, but Sirius takes his little hand in his and waves it around. He watches Teddy with rapt attention. The way he furrows his brow, and the subtle colour shift in his hair, just like Nymphadora. And then it hits him, it was never her fault. She just fell in love, she couldn’t help it. It was never her, it’d always been him. He wasn’t ready to be with Remus, not then. But now he’s changed, grown, they both have. And he’s finally ready to start the rest of his life.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Cause everything will start again anew</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Cause everything just goes away my friend</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And every king knows it to be true</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And every kingdom must one day come to an end</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And the sun vanished, may be long gone</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And all these memories we've found</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But she'll be here</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When it's all done</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When I buy this land beneath the ground</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She knows everything that goes around</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Comes, comes around here</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She knows everything that stays here somehow</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Guess we'd all begin</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Everything will start again anew</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Cause everything just goes away my friend</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And every king knows it to be true</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And every kingdom must one day come to an end</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you so much for getting this far. I would absolutely love to hear your final thoughts on this, so please leave a comment. Once again, I've got a new fic called Liquid Smooth, so give it a look. Thanks for coming on this long, sad, journey with me. &lt;3 &lt;3 &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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